Diary of an Ex-schoolnerd

My opinion about opinions

2012-01-19T13:42:00.000-08:00

We all know what everyone says about opinions, about how everyone has them and basically they stink. Well not all opinions stink , only the ones that hinder you from “being great” by being great I mean doing you, living life.
I look at myself, my past how I used to be one of those people whose life was controlled by the opinions of others. How it was so hard to live life sometimes because of that nagging voice in the back of my mind “what would people say
or think”. That voice stopped me from doing a lot of things that I WANTED, because I was scared .I was scared of WORDS…when I think about it, It seems a little silly to me but believe me back then it was all that ruled my life.

You see, people will always talk no matter what…so why not just do what makes you happy? Why consider the opinion of someone who isn’t even a factor in your life, who when you sit down and think about doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things. Why why why do we let words from some other imperfect human being stop us from doing what we really want to do.
Now I am not saying oh I am totally immune to people’s opinions about me, I’d be lying if I did. I am saying though that it doesn’t rule my life like it used to before. The only opinions I really concern myself with right now are the ones from people that really matter. Not just some random classmate who I think would think of me any less or one colleague who will go around saying stuff about me.

I used to be so consumed with the way I looked when I was younger, oh people think I am FAT, people will think I don’t look good, people will think I am dumb, people will say why am I talking to this person or that person or why am I in a relationship with so so and so. I was terribly depressed back then and when I think about it that is a place I NEVER EVER want to find myself at.

Now I know there are slimmer, prettier, smarter, richer girls than me and I have accepted that. I have accepted that I am not perfect and I am cool with that. I have accepted that because someone doesn’t find me attractive isn’t a bad thing cause I don’t find other people attractive. There will be people who like you and want to be with and and there will be people who you just don’t appeal to. Doesn’t make them bad people its just the way it is. I have made peace with myself and although I still have my insecurities and every now and then they spring their ugly heads it doesn’t rule my life and it shouldn’t rule yours.
So allow people have their opinions about you, it shouldn’t make you angry (although sometimes it can) or stop you from doing whatever it is you want to do. The most profound moment of my life, that turned me from the depressed fat girl who hated the whole world into the happy fat girl who loves herself regardless and found the many other wonderful things about herself was what my dad told me one day.

My father just asked a simple question… “Why are you more concerned with what human beings, mortal beings that breathe the same air you do think about you than what God thinks about you” and I don’t know I just thought about that line a few times and my life changed. It wasn’t a fast speedy process but with time I changed.

Some opinions still get to me but most I brush off my shoulders.. I am very opinionated too but I try to have less opinions about people’s lives cause really I don’t know any better. My opinions are more about issues, entertainment, happenings and less about what this or that person should do. Who am I to say this or that is the right decision for anyone.

So there you have it….. people will have opinions about your relationships, about who you date, about what you do, what you wear….every single thing in your life. Try not to let it stop you from doing what you ultimately want to except it’s the opinion of someone you are sure has your best interest at hand cause in the end…. Like they say opinions…everybody has them and basically they stink.

Meet the personalities.....

2011-12-22T23:50:00.000-08:00

Laide= Quiet,reserved, a lil sarcastic, thinks the world about everybody & very nice
Exschoolnerd = Funny, crazy, opinionated,smart, antosocial(dominant personality)
Amaka= slutty, wild

Laide: So it’s the end of the year already

Exschoolnerd: tell us something we don’t know
Amaka: hehe

Laide: Y do u always have to be a smart ass…anyways it’s the end of the year and what a year it has been.

Exschoolnerd: You can say that again… loads happened this year, I mean the death of Osama and Ghadaffi,Kim Kardashians ‘How to lose a husband in 72 days episode,the royal wedding, beyonce pregnant,Amy winehouse,heavy D and Natedogg dying…I can go on and on

Amaka: We’d prefer it if you didn’t though..so ESN how was this year for you? You know being the dominant personality and all

Exschoolnerd: Erm well …I don’t know really… a lot of great things happened though, got a new job, finally did away with some major drama in my life… I still haven’t met the elusive ‘one’ though… yeah wasn’t lucky with love this year. I guess the only good thing about those relationships was the great ass sex.

Laide : Ass sex? Okokobioko! *whispers* Anal?

Exschoolnerd: nooooo!! You know what I mean na

Amaka: hehehe…ESN had Anal

Exschoolnerd : the both of you are mad… great ass means awesome….like why in the world would I try Anal

Amaka: I would!
Laide &Exschoolnerd: What!!!

Laide: That’s it Amaka cannot be the main personality for more than an hour in a day…

Amaka: What!!! Why? I was only kiddin

Exschoolnerd: You better be…..

Laide: you know, I think the reason y u haven’t found ‘the one’ is cause ur standards are too high, I mean the one could be a security guard with a good heart for all you know

Amaka: *spits out drink*
Exschoolnerd: your one will be a security guard

Laide: erm we share the same body remember

Exschoolnerd : the both of you have gone mad, I can’t trust yall with this body, if i leave yall in charge for two days I will come back and find out I’ve been having anal sex with a security guard.

Laide: why must ur ‘one’ be rich and funny and smart

Exschoolnerd: because I don’t have two heads , I mean are you for real…u really wish a security guard for us
Laide: but he’s a human being na

Amaka: this girl has to leave this body! What rubbish are you yarning…security guard? Are u mad

Laide: Chase me away na! so we should leave this body for you so you’ll have us booty popping and windecking in the club struggling with agile and flexible 18year olds…when we are well over 30? God forbid

Exschoolnerd: See ehn can we put this matter to rest? The one will come when the one will come

Amaka: He will come and meet you in your parlour ehn? Infact Laide is right… na maiguard you go still marry

Exschoolnerd: Waka! If we didn’t share the same body I’ll ask God to punish you….

Amaka: I am saying the truth, do you go anywhere? No! clubbing? No! Wedding? No! Get together? No! Church? Once in a lilac moon….. so na from where man go fly enter? From heaven

Laide: Please sharrap!!! So she should act like a desperado and be going for every event because of husband shey?

Exschoolnerd: Are you minding the ignoramus….see ehn lets leave this matter….sensible man will come when sensible man comes

Amaka: or gateman

Laide: Abi!

Exschoolnerd: I have no words for the two of you

Amaka & Laide: (burst out laughing)

Amaka: This great sex you have been having sha, I no feel am for my side oooo
Laide: haha
Amaka: Abi laide you feel am?
Laide: My sister I feel am small
Amaka: y e no con reach me
Exschoolnerd: u dey ask me?
Amaka: Am i not part of this body…why am i never the main personality when great sex is going down
Laide: Question

Exschoolnerd; On to more important matters

Amaka: Yes like what happened to the great sex n why did it stop

Exschoolnerd: the supplier was sacked
Laide: *chuckles*

Amaka: una sack am before e reach my turn shey…. Wetin e do wey una sack am… im dey supply someone else

Laide: I no know oooo..ask ESN
Exschoolnerd: He was wasting our time

Laide: e no waste my own ooo
Amaka: u for sha retain am na… make e dey help for those cold nights

Exschoolnerd: It’s not that serious my dear

Amaka: How will it be serious? After e don knack ur akpako finish

Exschoolnerd: Can we change the topic?

Laide: So what plans do you have to secure a man for this body in 2012
Amaka: shuooo na interview?
Exschoolnerd: Why are u asking me?

Amaka: No be you dey sack all of them
Exschoolnerd: so if they are misbehaving I should just accept it.
Amaka: No but don’t take hasty decisions without asking us
Laide: when did this one start speaking English
Amaka: Are u referring to me?
Laide: I call your name, I no like trouble oooo..please free me

Exschoolnerd: I will secure when I secure.
Amaka: What year please lemme know if I’ll hibernate till that time
Exschoolnerd: how will I know when? Abeg free me jare…

Laide: the year she develops bumbum
Amaka: hahahahahaha

Exschoolnerd: shey u sha know that u guys are laughing at urselves sha

Laide: e pain am

Amaka: Here’s what I propose… go out more!!!! And when you are out…make sure our best features are on display

Laide: In other words she should dress like a whore

Amaka: If that would get her a man why not

Laide: see ehn, all I’ll say is just be more open minded you know….

Exschoolnerd: If u say gateman ehn

Laide: No! haba! I was only joking na…. but really just don’t overlook cause they don’t totally fit into your idea of what you want…

Amaka: so she should now accept any imbe because he has a good heart? A good heart with a one bedroom apartment?
Laide: Gosh! You are so fickle

Exschoolnerd: Have the both of you finished?

Laide: and smile more, u know how u look when u don’t smile…d only man that won’t be scared to approach u is probably chuck Norris
Amaka: (laughs)

Exschoolnerd: You r sha insulting yourself, I have heard the both of you and I take everything u said with all the seriousness it deserves…which is no seriousness whatsoever….

Amaka: when I take over sha, I’ll make things happen

Exschoolnerd: I better not change and find myself wearing a half-top and leggings

Amaka: half-top ke? Do u have the belle for it

Exschoolnerd: I don’t! that’s the point…..nothing crazy please u too Laide, if u give any gardener or plumber my number ehn
Laide: I said I was joking na!
Amaka: she wasn’t joking ooo, better put her on a leash before its too late
Laide: look who is talking about a leash
………………………………………………………………

SIMPLY AMAZING

2011-12-17T04:15:00.000-08:00

A few days ago, I was at Victoria Island,passing Sanusi Fafunwa,lost in my thoughts.I looked to the right and wasn't looking for anything at all, just gazing away. Suddenly, something caught my eye. Good old MURPHIS Plaza has reopened and the facelift is quite impressive.

As I had some time to kill, I thought to stop by to see what's new about this mall most of us have memories of. It didn't disappoint me at all. The regular fashion shops, shoe shops, pharmacy, food court, sharwama and co... Oh, did I mention the prices in some shops? Hmmm...

In the midst of my 'browsing', I found myself outside one shop. I was amazed by the display of baby shoes. Cute little things that kept me wondering 'did my feet ever fit into any of these things?'. Looked up and my breath was taken away by the arrangement of accessories. Beautiful colours, and just from outside I could tell, having a baby is EXPENSIVE, especially if u want quality products for them.

I didn't know I had a little smirk on my face as I had transposed and was picturing myself... Then a guy started waving at me to come in. I was reluctant at first then I thought, all well. I stepped inside and the guy welcomed me well and we spoke. I got to find out his name is Tope and he owns this baby store! Ha!

Even though I said I wasn't looking to buy anything, he was happy to show me around. From the conversation, I found out the name of the store is TopBabies. They are the sole distributors for a number of international brands I can't remember right now.

As I looked, I noticed the prices were ridiculously affordable. Then everything started making sense. They are sole distributors for Nigeria and West Africa, duhhhhh... Even their clothes. SHOCKING! For the level of quality, I just kept thinking BARGAIN! Trust me to ask... Then the gentleman said 'it's all in the slogan. TopBabies ...Quality Products, Wholesale Prices'.

After looking around, I concluded this store has practically all a mother needs for her child from birth till the child is 3 years. At affordable prices? It seems like a no-brainer. Selling at about 50% lesser than other stores, Tope explained his model is to reduce the stress of people going abroad or trying to get relatives to help them get stuff overseas, so he sells even cheaper than stores there. Hmmmm....

I left with a smile and asked for pictures that I wanted to blog about the shop so he took my e-mail address and sent some.

It's nice to see that some businesses actually care about their customers and I found one. I introduce to you TopBabies, Murphis Plaza, shop 10, 27 Sanusi Fafunwa Street, Victoria Island, Lagos.

See some awesome pictures below

HENNESSY ARTISTRY TICKET WINNERS

2011-10-27T02:32:00.000-07:00

Whoop!! whooooooop!!! Congrats to the following people

Bemi Amatosero(@9jabarbbie)

Akpos Otobrise (@coajlove)

Adeyemi Bayo(@boyodaprof)

Chidinma Nkwonta (@krayziefrogg)

You guys have won 2 tickets each for you and a friend to the HENNESSY ARTISTRY PARTY tomorrow at REHAB.

Please come and pick your tickets at the TRACE Office today or tomororw. You can come any time before 5pm.

Our Office is at : CA 7, Club Arcade Annex, Tafawa Balewa Square(TBS) Lagos Island. It is just right beside the BRT bustop at TBS.

Call the following numbers if you are at TBS and need directions 08034882759, 08096508897, 018425821

Win tickets to the Hennessy Artistry Party

2011-10-25T05:02:00.000-07:00

TRACE Nigeria is giving out 4 tickets to the Hennessy Artistry party this Friday at Rehab. One person will win 2 tickets for them and a friend.

We have 8 tickets in all to give away,but 4 people will win it so they can invite a friend.

Come party with Tiwa Savage, Banky W and Eldee on Friday at REHAB!!!! You really dont want to miss it. Its the party to crown all Hennessy Artistry parties!!!!!

To win this ticket here's what you have to do

1. Like the TRACE Nigeria facebook fanpage - TRACE NIGERIA

2. Tweet this: Like TRACE Urban's Nigerian facebook fanpage www.facebook.com/tracenigeria #TRACECONTEST (Make sure u include the hashtag #TRACECONTEST)

3. Answer this question on the TRACE Nigeria fanpage wall

Question: Name 4 shows on TRACE Urban (only write the answers and nothing else)

You have to do the three things listed above to win this ticket for you and a friend, shouldn't take more than 5minutes!

Pls Note: We will probably get many correct answers, not everyone can win. We will choose 4 people who we think have answered the question properly and did the three things listed above to win the tickets.

My life or something like it

2011-10-19T15:24:00.000-07:00

When did life become so boring? Or maybe the question should be when did i become so boring? Or when did my life become so boring? My life feels like a re-run of a badly written series...feels like i am trapped in some this boring warped universe and my life revolves around "work,making money,more work,being stressed,not enough laughs,more bb contacts than i care for,lots of annoying small talk i can do without"Back then there was always something happening, something to blog about, something interesting going on... whether its the way some guy in the danfo bus was staring at you like he was thinking 'ahhhhhh eran re, baba will be happy' or the crazy conversations between the conductor and the passengers....or how your bus broke down somewhere and you were scared shitless. It was always something, and if it wasn't that it was school, oh yeah school you remember that place....that dreaded place we all had to go to just so we don't end up as miscreants, or running on third mainland bridge selling 'walking stick'....Side bar: but err of all the things to sell in hold-up na walking stick pesin see carry....but who am i to judge another man's hustle though...Oh yeah that place where we have to wake up early for 8am lectures, rush to school and the bloody lecturer doesn't even show up,doesn't care if you entered 6 buses from Festac, got thrown into the gutter by an okada just to reach his class, he just doesnt show up and doesn't offer any apology. Yeah that place. School! at least in school there was always something to blog about, maybe one ova sabi in class who just reminded the lecturer of a test he forgot to give or some other ova sabi who is constantly asking the lecturer questions when the class ended an hour ago. The endless butt crack sighting, toasting gone wrong escapades with apparitions following you around school professing their undying love for you,never the ones you want though.Tales from the hostel about how this girl borrowed this other girl's jeans for a party without her permission and the showdown that happened in class the next day where plenty plenty secrets were told. As much as i hated school.... yes i hated school with every fibre of my being but that is another blog for another day. As much as i hated it, a little part of me misses the drama that came with it. The lining up for cabs, the rushing for bus(of course i didnt err rush with them), classmates from hell, lecturers from a place worse than hell, all the friendships and pretend friendships. The stealing of assignments, word for word dubbing, the endless photocopying....the mad rush for attendance. I kind of miss that a little.After school is effing boring!I mean i wake up, what? 5:30am if my boss is reading this...6am for the rest of you suckers *tongue out* .....i mean 6 bloody am..yes i know u wake up 4 bloody am go and collect award now....So i have my bath, get dressed and make my way to the BRT bustop and wait for like 45 more mins for those blasted buses. Like really those things defeat the whole purpose of waking up early sef. The BRT buses in the morning are usually bleh,most times everybody is groggy and probably thinking 'damn it! not another day of going to work to see that oga that's my first born's mate, why don't i have a rich, extremely old relative who'd die and just leave everything to me' okay that last bit is me..hehehe.... the only compensation is that i work with some really exciting people. I'd love to list all of em here and tell you why each of them are so not right in the head, but i'll pass.... i work in an office with eight men, yup just me and eight men..get ur mind out of the gutter. So yeah its laughs, and crass jokes and taking shots at each other every chance we get...its fun its kind of like the series 'THE OFFICE' only we are not as mentally deranged aas those loons....our crase is still on the minimal. So as the only girl i have the hold my own o! T works in my office and we are everly taking shots at each other...everly....everyone is probably tired of us in the office.The BRT ride home is a little more interesting, i have more time to analyze and scrutinize all my fellow BRT occupants. I amuse myself by guessing what random people are probably thinking. Like maybe the woman at the front is probably thinking "dont they know that if i shave my bear bear it'll grow back 3 times longer" and the guy beside her is probably thinking "shey this woman no get mirror, i just want to reach out and pull the hair on her chin" ....the lacasera boy outside is looking in and pushing his wares closer to the fatties...."buy now!!! u must buy u r fat, u must want lacasera...buy! buy! buy fattie buy!" .....u throw him the evil eye and he moves to another fattie. Meanwhile the dude selling gala is patiently waiting to make his move....as soon as u succumb to the evil lacasera seller's antics he zeroes in on you..so he rushes to the window "buy fattie buy! buy! buy! "No matter how early i leave work, i always meet hold-up somewhere.... that's something i just havent gotten used to yet...some people sitting through hold-up is like their talent because they've been through it so many times for me it is really excruciating... really but thank God for music and twitter to help me pass the time in a less annoying way. Never mind the fact that my heart is always dancing akpako as we cross third mainland bridge, i can never understand my phobia for that bridge.....i would sleep in the BRT, but then i wouldn't want to snore....nah not a good look...Two hours later i am home, tired, hungry and i gotta cook....like come on! come the eff on!....like we women we try sha.... like cant i just come home and not have to worry about cooking again. Sometimes i think i need a wife sef, yeah you read that right...i need someone to cook breakfast for me and have a nice meal for me when i get back from work....like i am not superwoman and i am not vying for the role,they can keep it.... i am not even married sef....they already want to wear me out for my future husband..... so i cook, sleep and do the same thing all over again.....and like from the pinky and brain series i ask myself everynight, no wait y imaginary friend does ...."Laide what are u doing tomorrow" ....and i answer The same thing i do everyday "Try to survive this big fat boring life one day at a time" .....*sigh* if only Drake would come and pay bride price already... "i'm ready to go right now"

Thankful Mondays :)

2011-08-15T15:23:00.000-07:00

Ive been playing with this idea for a while, been ruminating over it every now and then. Thankful Mondays…nothing serious..more light hearted. You know, those everyday things that we probably think we dont need to be thankful for? But are so essential in our day to day life… yup like ur blackberry charger….yeah and your lip gloss… and oh yeah ur earphones. So yeah it is kind of like an ode to the little things that help us get through our day.
I am gonna kick off thankful Mondays with an ode to the GRANDMA PANTY..yes u read that right.

Dear wonderful grandma panty,

So old and wise in your years, I love the way ur band rests comfortably above my navel, I love the feel of you around my tummy. That reassuring feeling that says ‘I got ur goodies in check’. I never feel like I am walking around with a permanent wedgie with you. With you there’s no jiggling, u keep everything in place. Others may cry out loud ‘oh hell no!!! VPL’ but pray, tell me one person that has died from VPL.(visible panty line)
That’s right nobody.. what’s a little VPL to deal with when I have you on.

G.P you help me keep myself in check, when I am going over to that dude’s house that I like and I don’t want to do anything freaky. I wear you knowing fully well there aint no chance in hell I am letting this dude see me rocking high waist panties. So no matter how much he gives me the ‘blueballs face’ them jeans stay on. No matter how weak my flesh becomes I just immediately envision you and tightened my legs together.

No, it’s not that I am ashamed of you or anything, id walk third mainland bridge back and forth in nothing but you just to prove my love for you…what we have is so special, that is why you are for my eyes only. On those days when ‘lil red ridding hood comes knocking’ who do I call? You of course…you get shit done. You hold me down. Dear grandma panty this is me saying. Thank u for being there, thank you for being a source of laughter whenever I stare in the mirror wearing u alone and dancing… thanks for putting a smile on my face.

And twitter was gone......

2011-07-16T04:34:00.000-07:00

It was a day like any other,never did I imagine the turn events that would eventually take place. The soothing sound of Craig David’s ‘booty man’ played endlessly and blended into my dream till I remembered..my fucking alarm!!! I whisper a ‘Thank you Jesus prayer’ and rush outta bed to boil some hot water and arrange my clothes for work. While the water boiled I reach for my blackberry, you know to erm check what’s happening on twitter, I am not addicted really, I just need to check what’s going on you know… all of a sudden I start panicking, I cant find ubersocial on my phone, twitter for blackberry is gone too. They were both on my phone before I slept, could I have mistakenly deleted them? Impossible.

What to do? What to do? I enter www.twitter.com in my browser and I get a reply ‘this website doesn’t exist’ my knees go weak, I try it several times till I finally give up. What the fuck is happening? I google twitter and I get ‘do u mean ‘twister’ whaaaaaaat!!! Ok don’t panic laide, maybe they r just down, maybe the site is experiencing some issues they’ll probably be up and running in a couple of hours… I have my bath hurriedly get ready for work and make my way to the BRT. I check again and still got the same results, I hola at a couple of friends on bbm to find out if they were having the same problem as I was, they all said the same thing, twitter was gone. Gone! How could it be gone! Did it die? It will resurrect… i was losing my mind on the BRT, kept fidgeting like a crack head who was eager for her next fix and knew it wasnt coming anytime soon. No this is bad, who will listen to all the trivial details of my big fat boring life? Where do I go for some comic relief to take my mind off reality, how do I amuse myself daily with the antics of so many downright insane people who basically live on twitter, no more sharing of downloads and links, no more facebook imports embarrassing themselves on my timeline, no more advertising!!!!! Nooooooooo!!!

I search for twitter again, still the same result….. bbm was going crazy, folks started using their status updates as an alternative for twitter, people where re-activating their facebook accounts, some couldn’t remember their passwords so they went back to hi-5, some nairaland, the really desperate ones naijapals…people were sending text messages and calling like crazy,everybody had something to say and they needed an outlet. Facebook was on overload, every 5 seconds a new status update, people couldn’t keep up.

The residents of facebookville were angry that we twitterville people had come to turn everything upside down, they wanted us to leave…after all we deserted facebook. They were angry and sending messages to MARK everyday…’twitter refugees’ must go, they rioted, they promised to stay off facebook for 2years if MARK didn’t de-activate our accounts….we were all forced to move to Google +, google+ became our haven, our new home…. MARK made a big mistake, because Google+ became the next big social networking site. Twitter people re-united with their long lost tweeps on Google + it wasn’t home, but it would do for the time being. It would do for now. We all miss tweetville and wonder what happened.

There have been rumours, some say a certain tweep’s questions might have caused it, others says too much advertising using hootsuite by a certain tweep, others say it happened just immediately a certain chic uploaded her breastvatar, some say people were neglecting important things in their life because of twitter and the twitter gods decided to end it all, or it could be that a certain tweep finally posted her naked pic, I also heard it was when eunde tdnut tweeted the link for his 3rd single….. heard it was a gbagaun by a certain tweep, twitter couldn’t withstand the effect…lotsa theories. Folks say it was too many konjified dm’s trying to set p…twitter became the next Sodom and gommorah so the twitter Gods decided to end it.Facebook and Hi-5 owners used jazz.People were getting mean and evil to eachother.

Other say the thirst level had risen so much and practically drowned twitter. We will never know the real reason why our beloved twitter disappeared but one thing’s for sure we will always miss it and the crazy people we met there. Can I get a GBAM?

The "blue balls" face

2011-06-22T14:13:00.001-07:00

I have seen that ‘face’ a couple of times, I call it ‘the blue balls face’ …. Apparently ‘blue balls’ is this testicular pain that happens due to prolonged and unsatisfied sexual satisfaction.
I don’t quite know how to describe the face but I’ll try…. It’s the puppy dog face …that sad pity face….meets desperation meets frustration..its all of them all rolled into one and it’s a not so pleasant looking face. At that desperate moment he can sell his birth right just to satisfy his sexual urges.
Girl’s please avoid the ‘blue balls face’ by all means, don’t stare, if u stare too long…..u just might give in.
Then you start hearing all them silly attempts at getting you in the sack… “if u love me, u’ll do it” ….”I just want to lay on you, I am not doing anything” how exactly does that help ur cause? Or u hear “I just want to rub it around that area I am not doing anything, see now my ‘Trousis’ are still on” those trousers can be off faster than u can say ‘prakatatumba’... ” and the all so famous “the tip, just the tip….lemme just put the tip and I’ll leave you I am not gonna go in…I’ll just play outside” u go fear…na jangorova?…….all this while he is sweating and panting and giving u that ‘blue balls falls’ like his life depends on getting access to vjayjayville .
Maybe its cause I am not a possessor of this organ peculiar to the male folk…maybe that’s why I cant understand how ‘e dey shack their body like that’ …..how when they get so turned on…. They look like they are in pain and are gonna pass out ….how u have to give them several blows to the head sometimes after shouting NO for them to come to their senses…..why they have to, need to come up with hilarious fibs to get a piece of the action…….
I remember one time this one dude I was “talking to” I went over to see him…u know hang out and all…his family was home…. An hour of talking and this dude starts begging me to touch him in the groin area…. “please now, please!!! I am begging just touch it *insert blue balls face* please….just once….please *insert blue balls face* ”.. he grabs my hand and tries to place it there… I quickly free my hand from his grip…..and throw him the “abi e le ti ya werey stare”….but dude continues to beg and beg and I just get really irritated and decide to leave and that was the last time I saw him….
Maybe some girls like being begged but I can’t stand being begged for some nookie. If the feeling isn’t mutual, let it go.. begging sometimes comes off as sad…..
I know guys like to say “if u wake it then u must take it” ….well I agree…. Why turn him on ,on purpose just to fall his penis…I mean hand…. That’s not fresh….yanga dey sleep trouble go wake am and u don’t want to take it… o girl! U must take take take take it! Hahaha
But when u are jejely on ur own and not in the mood and he starts all the begging and pleading…not fresh dude….sometimes a girl is just not in the mood…. U can try putting her in the mood though…. U can talk dirty in her ear…but begging…. Its kinda like a NO NO.

I am curious… whats the craziest thing a guy has told u to get u in the sack with him? And guys help me understand why yall get so turned on to the point of begging and telling lil fibs…

since i've been gone

2011-06-21T15:01:00.001-07:00

Blog readers forgive me, its been 46 days …Wow 46!!! Yeah 46 days since my last post… I could blame it on the fact that I have been engrossed in this whirlwind romance with this billionaire’s son who is half Vietnamese and half Zimbabwean…with curly brown hair and a tattoo that reads ‘rebel without a cause’ on his neck and who loves to stay in bed all day with me eating grapes while we watch seinfield or the fact that I have been in some 3rd world country building houses in their villages with no access to the internet…..but those will be lies and all liars go to hell….so why don’t I just tell yall the truth … the truth is..well i have no excuse…. Er well maybe I have… u see a lot of people read my blog now..well a lot of people have always read my blog but right now its more than usual *cough* twitter folks*cough* and I used to write a lot of personal stuff before…so u see…. Too many people reading ur shit and u r not anonymous..it can cause all kinds of quanta… there is also the pressure to be funny.. I know I am humourous and shit but I am not ur personal clown or court jester…don’t expect me to make u laugh everytime, sometimes I just wanna blog about my day or something serious. Most readers think blogging is a competition… no siree… “oh dis blog is sweeter, has more comments…” all well and good… but blogging to me is just letting everything I have inside …letting it all out… you don’t have to approve it…its different things to different people though. Of course I give it my humourous spin every now and then….so I have made up my mind to blog whatever, even if its not funny…the people who will read will read and that is fine by me…plus I miss writing…..
So no, I haven’t been gallivanting with some rich arrogant sod with a sixpack and curly brown hair neither have I been “Angelina-joleing“ it somewhere in Africa.. I've just been sitting home, couch potatoe mode, waiting to start a new job…Yeah I left my old job…for reasons best known to me…I just thought hey! Its time to move on….its all about moving on and moving up isn’t it? It was a fab year and a half….So … MTV was absolutely amazing…the people were fab…lotsa experiences, learnt a lot…..there was always food..always!!!!….and laughter and sarcasm and wit…and all those other good amazing stuff…. A wonderful wonderful experience I must say.
So while I wait to start my new job I am basically jobless..living with my oh so annoying brother…basically I am the housegirl I just don know it yet… it did hit me though that day I was mopping and singing slave songs…I think I tweeted about it… iv been cooking meals I didn’t even know I had in me, like shouldn’t I be saving all my kitchen skills for the ever elusive “one”.... my brother should go and marry jare… but alas I am his slave and I do whatever he wants lest I find my bag and “baggages” outside the gate when I come back from an outing in a ragolis carton…oh the horror!
So yeah its basically sitting home, tweeting my life away, watching series after series and wolfing down snack after snack..i really need to go on a diet or something…the devil’s been doing the dougie in my mind…giving me some very unbloggable ideas….. “no I will not catch a rat and roast it over the fire to quell my boredom” …u see every now and then I have to say things like to that to myself so I don’t fall into the devil’s trap…. “no I wont masturbate to a picture of the rock” ….”no I wont dress up like a dude and sing yippie yayoo yippee yayee wanna rock ur body baby…in front of the mirror”…..and no no no ”I wont tell the gateman to come and take pictures of me” ….sheesh the things the devil puts in my mind…… being idle is not fresh I must say.
So yeah what else has happened…hmmn I think I went on my first proper date *giggles like a school girl*….yeah! nothing really just a date….. ive been on dates before(or so I thought) horrible horrible dates, this one time the dude brought a chess board…on a friggin date…and many other horrible incidents that will not be blogged about….but this was just really erm different…. Oh yeah Cafelicious is an awesome place for a date by the way. No I wasn’t paid for that plug..hehe
So yeah we bonded over ice-cream, it took forever for the food to arrive though but that was because they were preparing it so its fresh and hot when u get it…but it just gave us time to talk and all….and boy did we talk… like I am a sucker anyday for someone with a sense of humour and a nice personality…id rather have that over looks…. U can look like Tyson beckford but if u have the personality of a cutting comb I don’t want none of that …..i wasn’t caught up with…..“oh he’s looking at my breasts, bloody pervert” ..even though he might have been hehe ….but there was just none of that "artificialness"….no awkward silence with me thinking “what am I gonna say now…omigosh he’ll think I am boring” …I just knew everything was going fine and we were enjoying each other’s company . It just flowed, wit ,sarcasm, a sense of humour and the meal….oh yeah the meal was like the cherry on top… on point actually… the atmosphere of Cafelicious is fab…we were on this long fluffy couch with throw pillows and they were playing soul music..like what’s better than that…. I had a nice date…my best yet and that’s all… amebos! Hehehehe

One night stand

2011-05-06T03:36:00.000-07:00

My best friend says i over think every little thing, i am not spontaneous...i am no fun....i am fun but spontaneous maybe not. There’s just something that scares me about doing things off the cuff, just plunging into it without thinking, without rationalizing, it scares the bejesus out of me....but i envied –Lara. Lara is my best friend, free-spirited, zesty, the most spontaneous person i know....she’s a spur of the moment kinda of chic...so yeah Lara dared me to do something spontaneous, get out of my comfort zone....do something daring and unplanned and since i am not one to back out of a dare, i obliged the silly twat.

So she set me up on a blind date with this gorgeous guy (so she says) if i get there and he’s not as gorgeous as she went on and on about...i will put my feet and then some up her beautiful behind... so yeah Mr.-blind-date is gorgeous, works in a bank *yawn*, tall and yada yada yada... Blind dates are so not my thing, i would never had done this if she didn’t dare me....they just come off as desperate and mega scary....

But this is me trying to be spontaneous, trying to do something i wouldn’t normally do... yeah right nobody dares me and wins... so yeah date with mr banker is tomorrow... *sigh* i also plan to do something i have never ever ever ever done... those evers convincing enough? Hehe ...sex on the first date....if Mr. banker is as gorgeous as Lara says he just might be getting some tomorrow.

I have the perfect plan, we have dinner in the hotel and after many attempts at flirting and seducing we retire to the room, have a romp in the hay, hopefully a memorable romp and in hay and in the morning i get out of there as fast as i can....hoping never to bump into Mr. banker....

Mr banker was just as gorgeous as Lara described, well chiseled face, clean shaven, the man looked good in a suit i’d give him that. He seemed a little uptight though, dinner was great, he seemed to want to do most of the talking and wouldn’t let me get a word in. That's alright i thought, after tonight we wont have to see so, talk away mr-i-love-to-hear-myself-talk, i couldn’t wait for dinner to be over, i just kept imagining how it would all go down, would he be good in bed?

Probably not seems too self-involved to care about another person’s needs but then again who knows... big feet, hmmmmn.... okay this dinner is getting to long.... i am gonna tease him a little so he gets the message.. i take off my shoes and my feet finds its way under his trousers and i caress his ankle a little...

“What are you doing? He says puzzled

‘Erm what does it look like i am doing’ I counter but somewhat embarrassed

“why are u rubbing my feet?”

“Erm i am so sorry” my legs retreated fast like a disappointed penis”

“I am sorry i didn’t mean to sound that way i just, its just, it just felt weird thats all, i do like u a whole lot” he added

“No problem, sorry didn’t mean to startle you or anything, i’ll be right back” i smiled and stood up quickly and made my way to the restroom

I never been so embarrassed. Maybe i shouldn’t have done that, that was really kinda weird i agree.... don’t know if i should continue with this.... no i cant back out now... even if i wanted to...my hormones are raging....and there’s the dare... one last try if this doesn’t work out it’s up to bed for me.... silly ass uptight banker, he’s lucky i am horny.

I take off my panties like i had seen in movies, maybe i should have brought and extra panty instead...silly me...i grabbed a marker from my clutch and scribble ‘meet me upstairs room 102’

Scared shitless i walked out of the rest room and headed towards Mr. banker.. i didn’t say i word...i just quickly but sensually slipped my panty into the breast pocket of his suit and walked away seductively...

I had sashayed half way across the room when i heard someone scream my name, I turned around and my panty hit me right in the kisser.
I would have died right there.
My banker was huffing and puffing like a cross pig

“What is the meaning of this? Why would u put ur dirty stinking pant in my pocket? Are you a prostitute or what kind of man do u think i am”

A slow, uptight, knee in the balls deserving one i thought, but i was too shocked and embarrassed to open my mouth.

His voice was loud enough to make everyone else sit up and watch the soap opera going on.

I could hear some giggling.
Gosh where did Lara meet this maniac.

There was absolutely nothing to say, i picked up my purple lacy panty and ran as fast as my legs could take me,away from the hotel and to my car.

That did not just happen i thought. So much for being spontaneous Lara would hear from me.

but UNCLE was her friend.......

2011-05-04T07:38:00.000-07:00

If u were abused as a child there are two ways(or maybe more) that u react.... u either really like sex, become promiscuous or really hate it because it reminds you of a time that u’d rather not remember.

Mr George was her friend, she was just 10....he was also her mother’s brother, her uncle he had been living with them for as long as she could remember. Uncle George was young,strong, confident, very good looking, a player,he had alot of girlfriends. He was also her best friend, he took her everywhere , showered her with gifts, nobody could lay a hand on her for fear of Uncle George. He’d often take her out to visit his girlfriends or to buy clothes..anything to put a smile on her face. She trusted him, Uncle will never let anything happen to me she thought...Uncle loves me. Uncle is my best friend. She loved him so much.

One day, Uncle introduced something else into their perfect relationship. He led her upstairs to her room, while her brothers argued downstairs engrossed in a video game they were playing, oblivious of what was happening or was going to happen. He told her to sit down and then he locked the door.

She had no idea what was going on, maybe uncle just wanted them to stay here...maybe he just wanted to do all those silly faces and tell all those stories that made her laugh. Uncle told her to lie on the bed, its Uncle so she did, she had no idea what was happening...maybe Uncle wanted to play a game.
Uncle put his hand up her skirt, she didn’t know what/how to feel. He was her Uncle, her bestfriend, this is probably okay, she was 10,what did she know, he would never hurt her, she didn’t know. This was Uncle

He touched her in places no one else had ever touched....he put his mouth all over her body... but this is Uncle...Uncle cant hurt me. He gave her a jar of Vaseline and told her to rub it all over his privates. ..but this is Uncle my bestfriend.... she had no idea what she was doing....how it would affect her for the rest of her life.... right then and there she was just doing everything to please Uncle. Uncle did alot of things to please her before, he bought her things, took her out...now she’s doing something for Uncle. They are just playing, innocent play play

Uncle did this for the next three years until he left.
Uncle has gone..but the memories never leave. Uncle’s actions led her on a long search for love...when she was old enough to realise what uncle did she broke down. Not Uncle, not the person i loved and trusted. Uncle’s actions messed with her head, messed with her relationships, she went looking for love in all the wrong places and on all the wrong faces. Uncle made her believe sex was a way to make someone like you..but it wasn’t...so she liked all the wrong people, who treated her badly....she had such disdain for intimacy and sex....and would only do it to please a man...that’s what Uncle made her believe.

Uncle still calls her once in a while...but Uncle acts like nothing is wrong..like he didn’t do anything... like he hasn’t in some way.

How do u get over being molested/abused by the one person you loved/trusted....that one action that led to so many bad decisions,hurt,rejection,pain... Uncle was supposed to be her friend. How can a friend hurt you like that.

Bad Boys III – Sundays At The Bay Edition

2011-04-13T04:36:00.000-07:00

"Truth is stranger than fiction" - Unknown

This post has nothing to do with the movie franchise of similar name. It just seemed an appropriate caption for this picture taken by our friend Kofo. Somewhere in the mix, I forgot to put my hater blockers on (Whatever ey?). Big ass shout-out to Exschoolnerd No. 1, Laide for hosting this post here.

We went to SATB (Sundays At The Bay) penultimate weekend 8-| And we had fun 8-|. We hadn't been out and about in weeeeks -- Efa, because he'd been aggressively putting in studio time. And I, well, I was on my usual grind. So what better way to unwind than SATB, no?

Oh wait, quick one: I'm 'Jibola (On the left). Some people know me as @JibolaL, and some others remember me as the dude who wrote Raw and Six8Ten - The Story. Efa (On the right) (aka @EfaGuevara, ) is my wingman and a rapper by profession. And you probably know him from his cover of Mo'cheddah's If You Want Me and his work on DJ Klem's EP: Try Again

Back to the Beach! It was worth every effort we made to be there. It wasn't just the fact that we were "reuniting" with our ol' buddies that we hadn't seen in a long bit. But there was just something about the beach breeze, the beautiful women and seeing old, familiar faces that just did it. I can't for the life of me, remember sooo much about what happened (No, I'm not blaming the alchy, thanks).

But there were a few things that stuck out. Like how the sun was BURNING when we first got to the beach. Something also struck me about some guy that kept looking over at the table where Laide, Efa, Justina and I sat. He was quiet, sat alone and didn't talk to so many people. He was non-descript to say the least, but what stood out about him was his grey plaid short sleeved shirt and a matching wrist watch.

He was to my left at this point, hence this picture.

Efa noticed him too, by this time, he was directly behind the photographer. It's just unfortunate that Kofo (Formerly known as Captain Swag *insert barf sound here* Now known as The Immortal Teddy-bear *insert cool smiley here*) didn't catch him on camera. It's funny though, how an unebbed flow of alcohol and stimulating conversation can make you forget such concerns in a jiff.

Anyway, the real story began when we left. Maybe it's the clarity that accompanies the cool evening air blowing in our faces. Efa noticed it first, "I think we're being followed"

"What?"

"That Silver Baby-boy (2002 Honda Accord) behind us is on our tail" He said.

"Dude, we're still on Ligali Ayorinde!" I retorted, "How can you already tell that someone is following us"

We were headed back to the mainland, so the cabbie made a left onto Ajose Adeogun, and the car behind us did the same. I shrugged it off for obvious reasons, I mean it could have been going anywhere. But Efa was adamant.

"You see?"

"Guy, why so paranoid?! Who do you think you are sef? 2pac? Why would anyone be following us?"

At the last minute, I decided to humor Efa and told the cabbie to turn right, in front of VCP Hotel and then right again into Muri Okunola and then another right that brought us right back to Ligali Ayorinde.

"Paranoid ass buruku" I said after we passed Amazing Grace plaza and the car wasn't behind us any more. I closed my eyes to let the cool air blow me into the arms of the slumber that awaited. I'd only began to doze when EFA tapped me.

"Dude, fuck off mehn, I wan sleep"

"Look back"

I aimed at 40 winks, and probably got 10, so you can imagine how cranky I was. But I looked back all the same. Seeing the same car like that, right behind us just cleared the sleep away from my eyes.

It's a coincidence. It has to be.

I was still reeling from that when Efa said something that seemed to make matters worse.

"Jibs, it's that guy from the beach"

"What?!"

"It is… look at his left hand on the wheel"

"Dude, the bloody thing is tinted I can't see anything. Plus"

"Just try" Efa said

I squinted, and all I could make out was the left hand on the steering wheel and a grey strapped wristwatch on it. I struck a gong in my head but I couldn’t pin point exactly where I'd seen it.

"Wait!" I had it. "It's that grey plaid guy!"

"Exactly" Efa replied.

"But why the hell is he following us?"

"I must look like I know abi?"

"We need to find out"

"How?" Efa asked. "I just think we should find a way to lose him"

"No… we need to get him somewhere we can park and have ample time and space to be able corner him and ask the right questions. The question is where?"

We sat back in silence for a few minutes, both thinking about the situation. We had gotten past Adenuga Towers on Adeola Odeku and the Honda was still behind us, albeit a car behind. Efa said suddenly, "Driver, take us to City Mall"

"Yes! Exactly!" I said, "But what's the plan?"

"Here's what we'll do: when we park, we both get down and walk into the mall itself but part ways and stay on the phone so we're in radio contact. You'll go right and then up the escalator. I'll go left and up using the second escalator. He'll follow one person. Whoever he does follow will have to hold him till the other person comes."

"What if he has a weapon?" I asked, "Cuz even though it's open, there aren't so many people on the first floor seeing as it's Sunday."

"Why would anyone want to attack us? Who are we?"

"I got slapped in front of Koko Lounge (refer here: Ifoti to Gbono) cuz some angry girl thought I was you. So don't even get started."

"Let's focus"

"Yeah focus. How about this: I go ahead and then you follow. Hopefully he's gonna follow after you, even if he does follow me, you can block him. But here's the catch. We both go right, into KFC, so eitherway I can loop back through KFC back into the car park and block him. At least he can't try anything in there where there are people"

"What if there are other people in the car?" Efa asked. I suddenly looked back at the car which was behind us at this time. We had just passed the front of Onikan stadium and were negotiating the curve of the roundabout that led to City Mall.

It occurred to me to change my BB stat, just in case anything happened to us. Something along the lines of "Someone is following behind our car" or "If I don't change my stat in an hour, call the police, I'm at city mall". But then I imagined replies like "a bus load of puerto rican girls abi?" or "who wants to be following your jero?", so I dropped the issue.

By this time, even the taxi driver seemed to be getting antsy as well. I silently hoped he wouldn't "jabo" us and run away. We parked a couple of feet from the entrance and the Silver Honda had to park on the other side but a few cars to the right, facing the entrance and watching out every move.

"3..2…1… Go!" Efa commanded.

I alighted from the taxi and walked towards the mall. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the driver's door open slightly but no one stepped out.

"Yo, did you see the car open?" I said into my phone as I walked into the mall.

"Yeah I did"

I turned right and stood in front of the sporting goods store. "Oya, start coming." I said.

"He has stepped out of the car!" I heard Efa shout from the other end of the line. By this time, I'd walked through the side doors of KFC. "Oh shit! Are you out of KFC yet? I think he has something in his hand"

"Dude, no mehn." I walked briskly out of KFC's entrance and broke into a small jog. And what I saw to my left, where the Honda was parked stopped me in my tracks.

"Efa, we might have a problem here."

"What? What's going on?" Efa answered frantically

"Come and see for yourself."

Both the Grey Honda and our cabbie were gone.

It was easy to get another cab in front of City Mall. But we puzzled and puzzled over the why and the how and also possibly the who. We didn't mention it to anyone hitherto (I mean, people think we're crazy enough as is). And if at anytime you have reason to ride with me, and you catch me checking the rear view, you know why.

All you need to know about www.dealdey.com

2011-03-30T05:17:00.000-07:00

I don’t want to bore you with too many details... i just want to get straight to the point

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Dealdey encourages group buying.... If a deal is on offer a certain number of people have to buy the deal before the timer runs out..usually the timer is for a day and a half... lets say 15 people are needed to lock the deal in...once 15 people buy this deal then its sure...the deal goes live and as many as 1000 people can now buy the deal before the time runs out...thats why u need to tell your friends and family once a deal u r interested in is on the site . If the timer runs out and only 4 people have bought the deal instead of 15 then the deal doesn’t go live and everybody who has paid will be refunded immediately.

Now lets say there’s a deal for movie tickets.... you pay online or at the dealdey office for the deal and you will be sent a voucher to your phone with your details. It is this voucher you’ll take to the cinemas, show them and they’ll give you ur movie ticket(s). The vouchers usually have an expiry date of a month so you have ample time and also you can buy as many as you want.

The first thing you need to do is subscribe at the site...that way whenever there is a deal you get an email sent to you about it. You may or may not be interested in it, but at least you know about it and can share the info with anyone who might be interested. By doing this you NEVER miss out on any deal. Who knows it might be a deal on IPADS... phones...shoes.
Subscribing is easy go to the site and at the top right corner you’ll see ‘SUBSCRIBE TO THE DAILY DEAL EMAIL’ just enter your email address in the box below...and that is all...dont worry they wont spam your account.

Now you get the mail and you are interested in the deal...go to the site and click BUY NOW and sign up... If you haven’t registered do so before you can sign up....this is different from subscribing... signing up gives you access to the site. Once you register you can then sign up and follow instructions from there.
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what she's thinking....what he's thinking

2011-03-20T01:55:00.001-07:00

What she's thinking......
I really like him, but I am scared…what if, what if he just wants one thing from me
What if he’s like the others
I mean I have seen many like him before…it all starts out nice like this…the calls keep coming…everything is just great and then after a while it starts going downhill from there…..
I am so scared
What if he’s serious though
Cant stop thinking about him, every minute, every hour, every second….
Maybe I can finally be happy, who knows…maybe I can trust this one
I love how he calls me everyday at 8am, always 8am he never lets it get later than 8, to ask how my night was and wish me a lovely day. Its like its that one thing I can always count on everyday that Ahmed will call…
I love his voice.
I like this one.
Maybe this is the one that’ll help me forget all the ones that made me cry, that looked into my eyes and lied, that wasted my time, that couldn’t be honest enough or man enough to not string me along.That made me cry so hard that breathing became difficult. That made me feel I wasn’t good enough, pretty enough. That I wasn’t enough pere
Maybe he will change that…but I am so scared. Can I do this…can I go through one more heartbreak
My heart is like a heavy smokers liver….damaged from lies and rejection and neglect…yada yada
Think positive, this will work out.
I hope.
I don’t wanna always think like this but past experiences have a way of making u question everything….

What he's thinking....
So shes finally opening up, shes finally relaxing
Lemme call her sha….i can only call her at 8am….the rest of the day am too busy and distracted to even think of anything else…it’s a nice thing I set this alarm on my phone to always remember to call
I am sure she’s feeling special..haha
Gosh I cant stop thinking about that body….that ass, those boobs…hmmn I wonder if she likes it rough, or maybe slow

How does she scream? Loud?
Wow I can just imagine my penis in between her boobs…gosh..fuck! fuck! I am having a hard on…choi! Oga is coming
Down boy! Down boy!
I should stop fantasizing at work
Phew! Thank God I didn’t have to stand….
But that ass though, that soft looking, juicy ass.. I can just imagine myself….tearing into that thing..oh God!!! The things I’d do with that…. On the floor, on the bed, in the kitchen…
Wait o! that’s if she’ll even let me sef…I’ll talk her into it..no be me…. Wow! All I can think of is that naked body……
I hope she’s not expecting much sha….i cant be tied down to one chic right now..so many pussy need my attention…
*phone beeps*
She sent me text …awww shes thinking of me
I am thinking of u too baby….of that ass….
*phone beeps again*
Oooooh what is it again!
Cant wait to see me huh? Hmmmn I cant wait to see that ass too
Lemme sha reply ‘miss you and cant wait to see u too’
I hope she’ll let me hit it soon…its been 2months already na....I hope she wont try that crap of I wanna wait some more…I will drop her ass like its last week’s news…so much pussy out there don’t need one frontin for me…
Is it my mind or is this oga’s secretary’s ass looking bigger…awalamey…choi! I need to get on that real soon.
Lotsa potential victims in this office,I just dey dull sha….
Gotta pari ise with this chic soon so I can move on to all these big big somethings I dey see for here…
Choi! Abeg back to work!

What she's thinking......
Awww! He misses me too…cant wait to see me.
*swoons*
Hmmmmn maybe I can trust this one, I am still wary…but maybe I am really liking this one.
Havent liked one like this in a while.
Maybe I can let go.
Maybe he wont break my heart.
He can't...he just cant
Just maybe...this is it.

To my unborn child

2011-03-15T22:26:00.000-07:00

Hi dear I do hope u r fine wherever u r..I do hope u r a boy, no girl, no boy, no girl, no boy ...okay okay a Girl. I do hope u turn out hot just like ur mum pls hold on dear, I need to dstribute cough syrup to some pepople here..ehen hot like ur mummy but with some junk in d trunk sha. Pls don't take last when they are distributing asses sha..ehen...before they'll leave u with kpalasa.so ti gbo? Be there early okay? Oh oh oh and pls also when they are sharing feet better ask for small size so ti gbo? Cause If u know what ur mum is suffering because of this canoe wey dem call feet u'll pity her. My beautiful unborn daughter... I almost don't want u to be born into this cruel world of ritualists,NEPA, heart breakers, bad belle,natural disasters,liars cheats gossips, dissapointment, rejection, failure,hit and run men, stupidity. Don't get me wrong I want you, I want you so bad... And yeah there's a lot wrong with the world but there's also a lot right with it. And anyways wouldn't the world be a snooze fest if u just woke up and everything went ur way? But we could do without the ritual killings though. Don't be scared dear mummy is here. Now dear here are several things mummy wants u to know and keep close to ur heart

1. Always iron when there is light. To put ur trust in Nepa is to set out to be dissapointed. Do not procastinate on that dear.

2.Do not talk too much, flee from people who can give a parrot a run for its money. Try not to engage in malicious gossip it doesn't add anything to ur life. Try as much as possible to mind ur business and do away with iranu talk. Stay away from drama.flee from it.

3. Eat healthy... Life's hard enough. Harder when u are fat. People are mean dear.

4. Rejection well will happen. Its not the end of the world. Doesn't mean u are not good enough. Its just one of those things that happens to all of us...you will reject people too...

5. Educate urself. Be pretty but be smart too. Let ur conversations go way beyond what colour of powder u use.

6. Men are..... Hmmmn... Men are wonderful but also not wonderful at the same time. Take ur time before u decide to give urself to anyone. No dear I mean it. Take ur time. Get to know this person. Please don't rush. Take ur time. Not promising all will go well...but see it this way if it does all good..if it doesn't its one more experience to learn from.

7.Have fun. Good memorable fun with good friends. The kind that make u feel good about u and u make feel d same way. Go out, do stuff. Create memories.
Don't be in such a hurry to grow old.

8.Be street smart dear.... Be cute and posh but dear ur street smarts will take u a long long way #dontdull axe ur grandmummy I was always streetsmart...well not always but at one point it became a blessing.

9. Try and be kind/nice dear. There are no rewards whatsoever for bitchiness. Its not a good look, doesn't make u look tough or feared it just makes u a bitch. Be nice but don't take nonsense.

10. Ahh music. I do believe u will fall in love with that. It will help u deal with life's fuckery (pardon my french) sometimes,oh yeah and laughter.. I cannot tell u what that has gotten me through. Stick to funny people. Whatever makes u laugh is ur friend.

11. Enjoy sex. Well when u are old enough to... So ti gbo? Pls do not let any man... Whether brad pitt clone or whoever is hot in ur time make u do what u don't want to do. There's nothing wrong with virginity too.So whatever u choose

12. Pls dear people will talk. They will say all sorts from what they know to what they don't. Its hard but try not to let it bother u. They will say u did this, did that. U r this u are that. But when u think about it they r just humans... Just like u..they have no extraordinary power whatsoever dear so who died and made them judge. Nobody! They can't kill u with their words. They are not God. What they think about u...really is their business not who u are.

13. Pls read novels ooo! So you won't use english like 'more better' or 'coal slur' or 'modeler' pls pls pls ...face ur studies oooo!

14. Be urself, try. Its not very hard.... Pls run from peer pressure..flee as much as u can. You will realize there's nothing as spectacular as having a mind of ur own.

15. U r not perfect, u will have faults. Infact I imagine u will give me wahala sef. And I am already storing ur pankere for you, u cannot kill me because I didn't kill my mother.I had many faults though..many! Made many mistakes.

16.You'll make mistakes but learn from them.

17. The police is not ur friend but pls respect them.. Ka ma ri accidental discharge.

18.Have the kind of fun you won't be ashamed of the next day. Seems kind of boring...but believe me taking risque pictures with ur friends can be fun but u don't want ur naked picture on the internet d next day do u? Ehen! Ko ya ara e brain.

19. Live life like no one owes u anything. Do not wait for a man to take care of you. You have a head and he has one... U have hands. Get to work o jare!

20.Know God. Not church. Rev sister. Brother abraham or pastor maxmillan. Know God.

U'll learn more as u grow, the trick is to try and stay level headed and have self-respect.These r just a few tips I thought I'd pass on to you dear. Mummy loves u.

Oh yeah and one very important one.NEVER SHAVE OFF ALL YOUR EVEBROWS...never dear! If this is d only thing u heed to. NEVER!

CONVERSATIONS WITH A MUGU

2011-02-09T13:58:00.000-08:00

Girl: hello! Is this chuks ?
Boy: yes I am chuks by name, who am I on to
Girl: this is amanda
Boy: (trying to remember) amanda! Amanda! Amanda!
Girl: amanda! U used to call me..we met at uche's wedding last year
Boy: oh oh oh amaaaanda! I am so surprised and shocked... U have never called me before
Girl: So r u now complaining should I drop?
Boy:No no I was just saying o..
Girl: How are u?
Boy: I am fine, I am really excited n stil shocked dt u r calling..
Girl:Yeah no problem..u popped into my head n I wntd to greet u
Boy: d last time I called u..dey told me u had died..that I shd stop calling uu if I didnt want to die too.
Girl: dey did? Who would hv said such a thing..God forbid
Boy: that's what dey told me o.thank God its a lie..i wonder y someone would joke about death
Girl:*coughs* I wonder too o
Boy: well we thank God sha..so hw r tins..hw r u preparing for tmrw
Girl: tmrw? What is happening tmrw
Boy:Tmrw is vals na!
Girl: Oh wow I hd totally forgotten...dey still do that?
Boy: what!
Girl: Its just another day to me jare
Boy: Common what do u mean? Do u mean u hv no plans..
Girl:U can ‎c I even forget twas valentines day
Boy: Soo
Girl: Soo what?
Boy:Soo ur boyfriend is nt takin u out
Girl: Did I tell u I had a bf?
Boy:But bck then u always used to tell me to stop calling u cs ur bf said he would iron my balls...

Girl: erm..yeah yeah..ehn oh we broke up now...
Boy:Oh really y? When?
Girl: what's up with the interrogation?
Boy:No, no am just wondering y anyone wd break up wt someone like uu
Girl: ask him o
Boy:So no plans tomorrow?
Girl:Nah no plans I'll just be free at home by myself, doing nothing..nepa will take light sef..just bored...
Boy: What if I...
Girl:What if what?
Boy:No, never mind...u'll say I am too forward...
Girl:No no say what's on ur mind
Boy:Nah never mind...sorry
Girl:(getting impatient n angry)No pls tell me
Boy:I dnt knw why I brought it up, its nothing..
Girl:No I insist..what if what
Boy:Nah
Girl:(Shouts) SAY IT!!!
Boy:(Scared and startled) sorry I was just wondering what if I could take u out tmrw..that's all
Girl: will I even be chanced..I'll think about it sha
Boy: well then maybe some other time
Girl: did i say i was not interested?
Boy: But ....
Girl:Err..well u knw I dnt really care about ds vals tin bt take me where first
Boy: Dinner at whitehouse
Girl: I'll definitely b busy
Boy:Or or...if u dnt lik dt..we cud go to this westown hotel...very lovely place for dinner...
Girl:Ehen hotel..well well if u insist sha..since u r begging
Boy: But I didn't...
Girl: (cuts him short)Since no one else will go with u and I am d only one who will pity u and even consider
Boy: But...I hvnt asked ne...
Girl: Okay pick me up at 5pm at my house
Boy: Ah ur house...hope those ur dogs u use to warn me about will b in deir cages oo
Girl: What dogs?
Boy:U know? when i used to 'call' u, used to tell me that u hd 6 pitbulls that roam ur compound and tear on sight back then
Girl:ooooh..yes.my dogs..don't worry when u come just call I'll meet u outside..
Boy:How about u take a cab to the hotel and I'll wait for u dere..it will make things easier for me.I'll pay for ur cab
Girl: Ehn well okay... What time?
Boy: 7pm I'll text the address to u
Girl: Well okay sha...I might change still my mind later n not go sha..dnt think am all dose girls dt get carried away by stuff lik dis
Boy: No...I don't...this is d longest we hv ever spoken though..usually weneva I call..u usually drop after I say my name..but now u r even d one calling me...wow!!!

Girl: All those times r in d past now..
Boy: Yes dey are
Girl: So 8pm tomorrow right
Boy: Yes 8pm..pls come looking hot...
Girl: *hiss* when don't I look hot...
Boy: Takare
Girl: Bye

Click...cuts call..
Boy: mugu oshi, U go wait tire..dinner ko supper ni... *mimicks her voice* ‘i’ll pity u and consider’.....dosgbe!

Girl: just wasting my credit ...at least I won't roast for vals..after vals I'll delete the mugu’s number

St .Valentine @ Westown Hotel

2011-02-06T00:35:00.000-08:00

For Valentines day a Westown Hotel, there are two different packages- WESTOWN ROMANCE and WESTOWN RENDEZVOUS...u choose whichever one interests you.

Westown Romance
This year Westown woos couples with a choice of romantic programmes, each designed to create a magical experience that will be remembered for years to come.
• 3 course dinner with tea and coffee
• Complimentary Glass of Wine
• Entertainment
• Lovers gift (choc fudge cake, swiss chocolate and lots of other stuff)
The Valentine's Menu is offered Saturday, Sunday and Monday, February 12, 13, and 14. The price for the Valentine's Menu is NGN 7,000.00 per person. Which is 14,000.00 for a couple.

Westown Rendezvous
We’ve always room for romance

You don’t have to endure a long journey with endless queues to get away from it all this Valentine’s Day. A special Westown Hotel one or two night luxury break will get you in the mood in an instant. And we’ll even do our bit to keep the romance alive by giving you the opportunity to treat your special someone to a surprise bottle of champagne or perhaps a bouquet of beautiful flowers in your lovely guestroom. It’s a chance to relax to your heart’s content. Put up the do not disturb sign - or maybe slip out for a romantic stroll before dinner .Of course, no Valentine’s Day would be complete without a truly romantic evening meal. With unbeatable attention to detail and a passion for quality local produce, our menu might just make you go weak at the knees. All created by Chef’s own fair hands - and if that’s not true love we don’t know what is.

At NGN40,000 for one night including dinner, bed and breakfast and NGN65,000 for two nights, you’ll need to book by 10th February if you don’t want to be left on the shelf. Champagne and chocolates on request only additional charges do apply.
• Sumptuous accommodation in our deluxe room
• Flowers, fresh fruit and a bottle of Wine (First Day of Check –in Only)
• An evening of dinner and music hosted by Ose Restaurant, featuring a spectacular four course meal and dancing to the sounds of a talented Classical Artist and gift for the Lady.
• Full breakfast the following morning
Terms & conditions
Based on 2 adults sharing a twin or double room. There are a limited number of rooms allocated to this promotion at each hotel and once these have been sold other rates may be offered. This offer cannot be used in conjunction with any other offer or promotional rates.

CALL ME ON THIS NUMBER 08034882759 if u r interested in any of the packages...call NOW...to make reservations.THANKS

SCENTSENSE VALENTINE'S PACKAGE

2011-02-01T08:27:00.000-08:00

Its the month of LOVE!!!

And who loooooooves YAAA???

ME of course!

I always hook yall up real good, you can always count on me for these things...

Valentine’s day is in what, two weeks!!!

if u are looking to get that special gurl or guy something on valentines day may i interest you in this lovely Valentines package put together by SCENTSENSE.

Personally I think perfume always makes a lovely gift and I personally really like receiving perfume as a gift *hint hint* okay this is not about me....

Its about you......

The Scentsense Valentine’s package consists of

A perfume Gift Set/perfume

A medium sized cake with icing and cherries

A box of Chocolates + beautiful gift wrapping and free delivery in Lagos just for N20,000

Can u beat that???

FOR LADIES, SOME OF THE PERFUMES THAT COME WITH THE SET ARE
Elizabeth arden set, perry 18 set, britney spears fantasy, provocative woman, guess by marciano, covet by sarah jess parker

For GUYS you can get these and more in the gift sett

kenneth cole reaction, ck free, perry 18, paco rabanne, perry man, kenneth cole black

So order now, to do that just or text this number 08023442104

You can also check out their online store, just incase you are just looking to get a perfume whenever

Online store: www.taafoo.com/scentsense

And also their facebook page : SCENTSENSE PAGE

GET TO KNOW - FUNBI

2011-01-25T11:52:00.000-08:00

Its time to give good naija music the attention it deserves!

The first time I heard about ‘Funbi’ was when my friend Otoide sent me his ‘Reverse Cowgirl’ freestyle… first thing that came to my mind was ‘dayuuuum who has this orgasmic voice’ like I was in a trance…u know me and my ashawo ways…neways I forgot about him for a while hoping to hear some stuff by him later on.

The next time I encountered Funbi was at the twitter event ‘Fun Turf Soccer Fiesta’ he performed and I know good music when I hear it, I was bumping my head to the song and made a mental note to ask Otoide to send me the song.

I kinda put it off for a while until I remembered recently and asked him to send the song - ITS YOU I SEE…. he did and believe me…..I WAS WOWED…I was blown away….i was mega impressed….sounds cliché but I do not hype undeserving music.

Now i am a PROMOTER, but i don’t promote artistes cause frankly there r too many of them, everybody and their transverstite cousin is an ‘ARTISTE’ and i don’t want to be the one to say ‘Your music is not good enough for me to promote’ nah lets leave that to their family members...

But FUNBI....it would be an injustice if i kept such good music from yall..

SUPERSTAR
His First single to be released is titled "Superstar" it talks about the desire to live the life and all that being a superstar entails and requires... the actualization of a dream. A pretty good first effort if you ask me….
It features deep verses from Loose Kaynon (@loosekaynon) and Ice Prince (@iceprincezamani).

Download link - http://www.4shared.com/audio/lxF_PTGu/Funbi_-_Superstar_ft_Loose_Kay.html

ITS YOU I SEE

Its a follow up to his first single "Superstar", Funbi has put his vocal abilities into creating a tune to make you move on the dance floor. He calls this one "Its you i see" it features rapper Loose Kaynon @loosekaynon

This is my personal favourite…you know how its Friday, its been a long hard week and you just want to go to the club and let it go..baraje…HAVE MAD FUN….forget all your worries forget everything ….hmmmn its been a while since I did that…last time was at koko lounge….hmmmmn…but I digress.
And then you get to the club and you meet this fine looking girl/dude…yeah there are a million and one other hot dudes/duddettes bumping and grinding around you…but this one…just this one has your attention….common you know you’ve experienced that before....

Its great dance music….i mean you cant hear the song and not want to move something….Funbi’s silky smooth vocals also does the magic…it has a techno feel….some say he sounds like ‘Craig David’ - which is quite a compliment…but he is FUNBI not Craig….

Download Link – (The fast link not the 300secs snooze fest)
http://www.4shared.com/audio/9FbSbbik/Funbi-feat-Loose-Kaynon-Its-Yo.htm

CLOCKWORK

His latest single – CLOCKWORK is equally awesome..here Funbi finds himself in a situation most guys can relate to - caught up between his official mistress and a side chic.....*cough* don’t act all clueless....you know you’ve been there....its the never ending battle between love and lust.....

Produced by the talented @Kraftmatiks, clockwork deserves a place on your play list.....Do not carry last....download it now not later.....i know you get all these links every time...with people telling you to download this song cause its awesome....BELIEVE ME – IT IS AWESOME.....

Download link – (fast link) www.bit.ly/funbiclockwork

Connect with Funbi on
twitter.com/funbimusic
facebook.com/funbimusic
myspace.com/funbimusic
reverbnation.com/funbi
www.funbimusic.com

Booking & General enquiries
Email: topleftentertainment@gmail.com
Phone: 08066118072

Wedding on my mind..... sigh

2011-01-15T14:41:00.000-08:00

Its a boring saturday afternoon, lying in my bed....doing absolutely nothing which is bliss..ok i am typing this...i dont get to lie in bed and do nothing alot these days, i am mostly in BRT’S with someone’s armpit or ass in my face....baba God do am for me this year ooo..i need that car...when did i get so busy and caught up? If i don’t set a reminder on my phone the things i would forget to do ehn....I would never know the point where my life took this very unsexy turn...gone are the lazing about doing nothing but savoring and basking in the smell of my fart and thinking weird quirky thoughts like ‘i wonder what sex with tony blair would be like’ i am random like that.

So ive been thinking about weddings lately...oh oooh... hmmmn i never used to be the girl who thought about weddings, na not me...the whole plan was not to get married...but as you grow older and u realize ur finger doesn’t quite cut it as a partner...it could give u an orgasm...but who would cuddle you(hopefully) as u lie in bed...who will u wear matching Ankara with(of course i’d never do that i think) who would u giggle with like a love struck school girl crushing on the buff quarter back with...(oh God i must marry someone that makes me laugh and happy pls pls pls) ...a finger is only good for a while....so yeah plus my biological nuclear bomb....yeah..... KABOOOM soon... I must confess right now that i find weddings extremely boring am sorry, i don’t like going for weddings.... am sorry....they just turn out to be carnivals with a whole bunch of people who you don’t even know or like...with plastered smiles on their faces when all they are really thinking is ‘when will this guy ask me what i want to eat’ ....’or will this chivita juice fit into my bag, damn! i shud have carried a bigger bag’

So that was how i googled funny female blogs, cause i love reading blogs by funny females, i just cant get enough. They inspire me....so i stumbled on this blog which i might add is really funny..and then i read a post where she got married at a friggin cemetery...now am sure am not the only one who totally expected a creepy gothic wedding...and the bride wearing a black dress and the bridemaids and groomsmen dressed as ghouls...nah nothing like that...just classy, artsy, fun, crazy wedding ....with just a few people who seem to know what having fun is about.

I want a personal, stressful, memorable but beautiful wedding...

I know it’s the marriage that matters more but still a lovely wedding is not a bad thing.

I know i know....find husband first shey? Before u start to dey plan wedding...u think say na beans... I wonder where the oniranu is...probably somewhere right now...watching fraiser thinking ooo Lord send me someone who is witty, and funny and 6ft 1, who loves snow patrol....loves john mayer...loves good music....wears granny panties....loves to laugh n make me laugh....slightly annoying and temperamental....extremely creative and quirky..loves to sing loudly with earphones on with her not so amazing voice.....bombom not too big not to small..mammary glands to feed the world....loves watching tv, hates cooking but will cook if she has too...loves to cuddle...likes novels..watches lesbian porn so we can watch it together...who’s ambitious, impatient, nerdy....willing to try out handcuffs...and sex positions such as the Italian chandelier......i saw that *yimu*...... *sigh* if he only knew i am here.....waiting.....impatiently

My geeky-sexy prince sharming.....
Do u know the kind of thing of things i want to do with my husband....go for karaoke and sing ‘doing it’ by LLCOOL J with him.... play handcuff me, i handcuff u God no go vex...make funny videos of us doing silly not porn related or sex related or with a body part exposed....hmmmn... in *r.kelly’s* voice I WISH I WISH I WISH.....

Ehen....so on the same site which celebrates unique weddings also saw some awe-inspiring wedding pictures...too beautiful for words...and the beauty about them is that they are just crazy,quirky,funny and the couples seemed to have gotten the wedding THEY wanted....

Gosh what have i turned to....i knew too much watching of ‘whose wedding is it anyway’ would catch up with me someday.....*hiss* and its all because of my mother.

I chose my favourite pics from a couple of weddings...

When i think about my wedding these images come to mind......ENJOY

This is the site's address

READY, STEADY....SHOP!!!

2011-01-12T06:20:00.000-08:00

Hey yall, i've got some real exciting info for yall... its all about 'The Mobile Market'....

What is THE MOBILE MARKET u are probably asking yourself...

Well, it is an affordable retail solution to fashion needs.All you shopaholics looking for a good deal...this is just for you.

They have menswear and womenswear including shoes, handbags, jewellery, perfume, shirts, tee shirts, ties, sunglasses, beauty essentials and a lot more....

Their aim is to provide affordable fashion for the nigerian youth; whether made in nigeria or outside nigeria, designer or highstreet labels. (ITS ABOUT TIME)

They have periodic sales that will move around cities, campuses. They are also working on delivery and online orders(yipee!!!)

The next sale is on Jan 15th...yup this saturday..Venue is 25 Adekunle Fajuyi way, Ikeja GRA Ikeja. The social justice building.

Time: 12 - 8pm

If u'd like to have a stall @ the sale. The stall hire price is 10k naira.

You can contact them on 08132887549, Pin 257487CF, themmarket@gmail.com

HAPPY SHOPPING YALL!!!!

EVERYBODY HATES EXSCHOOLNERD

2011-01-05T10:24:00.000-08:00

Now the title is a little exaggerated, I know for every one person who doesn’t like me there are many others Who wish me well...…but just indulge me will you…

Now I am laide olabode just a simple, 6ft 1, chubby..no bum bum having…cute (yes cute) woman…yes I am a woman, a man to some people but those same people on their best day, I am still better than them…Can I get a gbam in the house..hehe
I am not a celebrity…I am not a "stars" …I DO NOT want to be a star…I am just a normal chic with lotsa crazy thoughts who happens to be very popular on the internet because of my blog. Just so you know ive been blogging since 2003 and ive had people following my blog from the first post so its not a new development. I guess people just love the zany thoughts in my head and my ability to make them laugh and because I am real…which is why I have a huge following..on twitter, facebook and blogger… I don’t have the exotic looks of aunty kim kardashian…or mind blowing voice like Mariah carey....it is not because of the popularity of my vjayjay or cause I have super human strength(although stewie will beg to differ) I still haven’t turned water into vodka or crossed the seven seas…last I checked I still can’t walk on water…for crissakes I still wear granny panties….i just write and I write pretty good if I do say so my self and that is what draws people to me.

Everywhere I go I meet people that know me, people come to MTV everyday and my boss is surprised cause everyone knows exschoolnerd and half the time I am always shy cause contrary to what it seems like I don’t like attention….i run from it…if I was white I’d probably be a drug taking suicidal person cause I wouldn’t be able to handle the attention…i just like to be behind the scenes doing my thing quietly….but thoughts like mine always attract people….id like to leave the attention for the attention whores….i mean why deny them of their time in the limelight let them eat it all up and feel happy with themselves…. me on the other hand I could do without it.
The reality though is that a lot of people know me on the internet….alot of people say oooh u don’t have a life…you act like a God online but no ones knows u in real life…first of all a lot of people know me in real life….i just choose to be quiet and not draw attention to myself..i lead a quiet life. And I don’t know what a ‘life’ is to some people…if it means having a hummer and appearing in city people, being loud and having alotta fake friends around u laughing at everything u say, wearing ur “Gucci and gabbana” and hanging out with stars and all” if that is your own definition of a life…well then I don’t have a life..the life I do have though is that I have good friends, a loving family and a bright future….

Every other day someone is attacking me for no apparent reason on twitter or somewhere else…. Sometimes I think I can totally let all this controversial stuff be in my favour…I could turn into some kind of naija wendy Williams, be the most hated chic on the internet, where I don’t care about anything and I insult people and stars….and get a whole lotta comments and people wanna advertise on my site cause of the traffic and am making money and living the good life…… but I prefer to get my orgasms from underneath a sexy dude with a good dick whispering sweet nothing’s in my ear as we kpox away than from making fun of people to make me feel better about my existence…I’d try but in the end id be a sad sad human being….
In pink’s words – ‘I am not that complicated, I am just misunderstood’

I know I can write from now till thy kingdom come and there will always be people who will assume u are arrogant and what not….they will believe whatever they want about you….and am cool with that. It comes with the territory I guess…. I embrace it…..these past few days I decided to ignore a lot of stuff people say about me and not reply have been the best cause I find I have peace of mind. If a person angers you, they control u….u choose the way u react to stuff..and I choose to ignore the pettiness ….

I am just LAIDE OLABODE. ..u don’t really know me so why do u hate?

A tweeps guide to tweeting

2011-01-03T14:17:00.000-08:00

Because I love yall so much…I took the time to outline certain guidelines to make ur twitter experience worthwhile…pls if you do not have a sense of humour I would advise u to stop here and go and pick a copy of ‘omo getto’ I think that would be worth ur while..but if you do pls go on…feel free to LOL,ROTFLYAO…let laugh tear your yansh and belle sef…whish one consign me… and refer to your friends.

If you tweet like a retard e.g

@shallypumping : whats pumping shally shallz I what to knows if I have a follow from you back

Or

I rEaLlY nEeD mOrE fOlLowErS oN tWiTtEr CaUsE I Am NeW

Now twitter is a lot like high school, lez not lie… so yeah people will automatically think u are retarded …u will be segregated like a diseased baboon for such behavior..never to be taken seriously… from ur twitter handle will spring up many TT’s and *cough* voicenotes…I advise u to go back to facebook where they accept you for who u are. Harsh but true.i am ur friend,no one else will tell u diz

Twitter is not facebook. On facebook you send a request and if the person knows u or likes u or whatever crazy reason people accept facebook requests these days they accept. Twitter is not like that.Its a micro blogging site, where crazy people like me with too many thoughts in their head..get release thru 140characters.Now you meet other crazy folks. You like their tweets,people RT their stuff u follow them…ok rewind..YOU like their tweets YOU YOU YOU..their tweets are funny crazy ,mad whatever and it’s the kinda stuff u wanna be seeing everytime u log into twitter.so you follow them…they don’t have to follow back.Its not a courtesy thing, its not facebook…they follow u back if they want to…do not take it personal. The earlier u realize this the better ur tweeting experience.

Do not tweet at foreign celebrities….STOP IT! Unless u are me tweeting at drake. ..u wont understand. I had a vision from God about him and I, I wont go into the details…but there are children in our future sha.. if u like be yimu-ing there. You on the other hand telling ‘Kim Kardashian’ –Good morning dear ..er..una know from primary school?…. People run from tweeps who exhibit such deluded behavior..stop it! There’s a lot more chance of u stumbling on a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow than receiving a reply.

People will follow u if u are funny, witty, clever yada yada yada …..now if u are not blessed with the funny bone…people notice when u are trying too hard. Contrary to popular belief one yellow bar doesn’t equal a one inch growth of ur penis, boobs or ass… cause if it did…I should be sporting some mad ass badoinkadoink (pun intended o jare)

Know the difference between a TYPO and a GBAGAUN cause once people notice u are one of those who cant differentiate btw em, u just wanna RT and add gbagaun with the hopes of getting a non orgasm giving yellow bar.You will not get a follow back.

E.G I think I looj funny in this dress ….this is not a GBAGAUN its a TYPO …doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that

But if they tweet

I look funny in this dresses -----> Oya collect one orgasm.

If all you do is add a LOL here, a GBAM there.. a COSIGN sometimes.. and maybe, just maybe someone types OLEKU …oh boy Christmas is early… u get to add ….’tell me something wey I no fit do’ ..if that is all you do…. You don’t tweet any interesting shit, ER…why exactly should anybody follow you? To be nice? I hear they r being nice on HI5… u can go there for ur daily dose of niceness.

Do not crash people’s tweet convo’s …. Ok lets say I am tweeting at someone who totally understands my sense of humour.. lets say STEWIE… and I say “that threesome we had with Elijah was awesome..i cant walk properly” and you from the Mushin side of twittville will now retweet and add ‘Gosh u r such a fucking disgrace’ n u r not joking..even if u are…its not ur business…this incident happened in the lekki side of twittville oh..doesnt concern your mushin ass..u don’t even know what they are tweeting about…don’t do it!

Now what might be acceptable is adding a LOL…to a retweet that doesn’t really concern u…maybe its just really funny..but do not insult, if u do not know.

If you want a follow back… do not type ‘now ff so so and so pls ff back’ me I am just trying to help u sha…u can tell the person u are ff but cut the ‘pls follow back shit’…u r following because u find the person’s tweets interesting..give the person a reason to follow u back. heres what u can do..you can tweet at the person every now and then…retweet their tweets and add funny comments and when the person is sure you are not a psychotic attention seeking boring serial gbagauner just looking for trouble on the net I am sure they will follow back and if they don’t…u have the choice to unfollow.Easy as ABC!

A lot of people left facebook for twitter cause they wanted a place where they can express themselves without being judged …so prepare to be shocked by tweets…make sure u don’t carry ur facebook behavior here and start criticizing everybody cause of their tweets cause u will be told to go to hell in ways u never thought were possible, after which u will be blocked.
Know who you can joke with… u just followed someone and u are already calling em a ‘fool’….yeah u say u are joking…but they wont take it that way cause frankly they don’t know u like that…that’s what they call ‘familiarity’ ..it can also be known as FAMZING…run from famzing…RUN!!!! Run from that evil demonic behavior known as ‘famzing’ that makes u tweet at dbanj and call him dapedo (a variation of dapo) when ur foolish self doesn’t know him from adam..RUN!!!!!!

Lastly, please take the time to google the word ‘OPINION’ ….if someone tweets … “ I think avatar was a very senseless movie and a waste of money” and they tweet this from their account…it is obviously their opinion and you know what they say about opinions… why then will you come and start shining muscle on the person’s tweet. Yeah YOU think avatar is the greatest movie ever..YOUR OPINION…do not attack someone cause of what they think about something.

Brothers and Sisters of tweetville… if u read these guidelines and tweet by them…you are sure to have fun everytime u log into twitter…believe that.
May God bless u as u tweet with sense.

2011- the year of parking well and staying in ur lane.

2011-01-01T22:33:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year yall!!!

Last year was a rollercoaster year, alotta stuff happened. Alotta them I've already shared with you..so much drama than I've ever had to endure happened last year but I am glad that is all over and I can move on with my life. Thank God for everything and for keeping us alive to see the new year.

2011 is here... Yipeee! And on twitter I termed it 'a year of parking well and staying in ur lane) alotta peeps found it funny but what I really meant was ... This year EVERYBODY's BS(bullshit for those of u who don't have ur abbreviations down like that :p) and DRAMA needs to stay far away from me.I do not want to be caught up in any human being's drama.

Unfortunately I was included in some funny shit yesterday on twitter...and I wake up this lovely morning that is my mom's bday for my friend- (kiss kiss dear) to tell me that some individuals have been talking to her about this issue and still putting my name in it.

Don't let the thunder,fire and lightening of God strike u down. Do not include my name in ur drama. Same way some chic that I thought was my friend went around telling people that I uploaded wande coal's pic on twitter...where I for c am? And we later found out that the chic -rondo was actually the one that did it.
I don't know if its cause alotta people know me or my name or twitter handle is the first to pop into some people's heads...stop it! take my name out of ur mouth if u want good things for urself this year.
Get ur facts right before u include me in some he said, she said, they said bullshit.

I will not dedicate 5 minutes of my time discussing an issue that doesn't directly involve me. Ask the people I call my friends if we r even discussing one of such issues that concern me at one point I tell em I don't wanna hear again cause I just don't need headache..cause frankly the problems I am dealing with are
more important than ur lives so please get over yourselves.

If someone sees me in the midst of someone who said something about u does that automatically mean I am discussing ur issue? Like I said NOBODY IS THAT IMPORTANT... Nobody! I am going through alotta ish right now that ur story,even if I hear it is quite irrelevant to me. Know this.

This kind of drama I do not need that is why I don't walk with a clique, or a group, at best I am a loner...I have a few friends I can talk to because of ish like this. That's how much I detest drama. So if u hear from some lily livered sources that I have been discussing your matter, it would do you good to ask me first before chatting shit so I can let you know YOU ARE NOT THAT IMPORTANT
And Laide Olabode doesn't give a fuck about what you do with YOUR life.
I just don't want to be a part of anybody's drama this year,I've had enough.. so like I said before, let us all park well, stay in our lane and have a lovely 2011.

UNDERGROUND 3 : ARE YOU READY?

2010-11-10T01:58:00.001-08:00

So you think you can SING/RAP... everybody tells you how amazing you are but all you need is that big break...all you need is a platform to show people what you can really do.

Your in luck because UNDERGROUND is just the right platform to showcase what you are made of.

UNDERGROUND is all about empowering upcoming artistes and talented individuals in the entertainment industry. The initiative was started by a group of people called the 'inner circle'

This is the 3rd edition, the last one was a huge success and saw RAPPER - KARMA emerge as the WINNER!

The event will hold on the 27th of November 4:30pm - 9.30pm at SOUL LOUNGE: THE PALMS SHOPPING MALL

To participate in this event all you need to do is purchase an application form, on returning the forms you would also submit a demo recording.

Deadline to sign up for the Underground is November 19, 2010. To get application forms, please contact :

Tolu - 08023226064
Shayo- 08033797778
Abiola- 0809971166

A group of music inclined individuals will then go through all the entries and select the best 15 acts. These acts will be contacted and be asked to prepare for the event where there they will sing/rap/perform in front of a live audience that will in turn vote.

The grand prize for the winner currently includes:
Solo project - To work with Top Nigerian producer Jesse Jagz
Branded items from Drunknmunky
Branded items from Vincent Gath
Feature Page on Bella Naija
Feature on 360nobs
Feature on NN24

We are still working on many other prizes and i will keep you updated.

For more info, please check out the official underground blogsite: http://www.the-underg.blogspot.com/

or FB group: http://www.facebook.com/home.php?sk=group_160871920613220

or the dreamblast website: http://www.dreamblastapparel.com/

YOU ONLY GOT ONE SHOT...DO NOT MISS YOUR CHANCE TO BLOW!!!

Dont you just hate blackberry users

2010-11-03T09:30:00.000-07:00

Blackberry users are so annoying. They have the attention span of a sugar ant....try having a conversation with someone who's constantly fingering their fone and laughing and smiling while u look on like a fool....You just want to take the fone from them and say hello.... Earth to annoying blackberry user, remember me am here...can we like have an actual conversation..... Anti-social freaks!
And then they assume that zombie position...head down fingers pressing away...on the road.....one day one of them will get hit (ok m just joking) but u shud ‎‎c them typing away on d bloody road....in car while driving.....on okada.....in the bus....during meetings like really its almost like they can't keep that bloody thing down for one second..

And then what's it with no one asking for numbers nemore....like really....so this dude he's tryna chat me up and he's like can I have ur bb pin.... What if I dnt have a bb ? Self absorbed lil twats...they think everyone must have a bb oooh they just can't imagine someone without one....they've forgotten about their humble beginnings when they cherished and cradled their sagems and triums and nokias and sony ericssons....they forget so easily.....

And u notice hw they never really call like they used to when dey get a bb its like they get sucked into a different world...if they were talking abt matters of utmost importance like how to go about achieving world peace that would b ok but nooo they are either tweeting, facebooking or flirting, organising rendezvous and exchanging pictures of body parts or changing their bbm statuses every five seconds like anybody really cares what's goin on in their sordid lives *hiss* and don't get me started on the display pictures.......forever trying to get that perfect pout...its laughable.

And they complain a whole lot about broadcast msgs......gosh I have never seen a bunch of fussy people in my life....u would think those broadcast msgs where sent with a lil anthrax...like really its not that serious...granted some people should be stripped and flogged publicly with a spiked pestle for the kind of broadcasts they send and should have their bb 's seized and be made to use nokia 3310's for the rest of their crazed lives.

And the discrimination oh dear....have u ever been in a room with a bunch of bb users and u have ur nokia fone with u? No matter how expensive ur fone is u still feel left out...like the uncool kid who didn't get the memo that ..blackberries are in.... Gosh u feel like a total dweeb....they act like they are better than you...in the know...no one wants to talk to you .. the look of horror when they ‎c that nokia fone in ur hand and you are done for if its in one of those bb kind of covers..... What! An impostor.... A nokia in bb clothing..... U will be totally alienated for that single act.... To them if its not a bb it shouldn't try and look like one....what an insult!

Gosh and they make the worst people to invite to parties...take it from me if u wanna have a fab party make sure u invite people without bb 's ...that'll be kind of hard cause every cynthia, biliki and musibau has one or get one of those devices that messes up their connection....cause it will take a miracle to get those people to focus on any other thing while their bb 's are in their hands.

Its sad really some people go days without bathing, eating or doing anything productive because of this bb .....some people have lost track of time..am sure some people still think its february...some people haven't called their parents in months....some can't even speak anymore....they've forgotten how to...

While they are eating they are typing...dancing....in church....at work.... I wouldn't b surprised if they type during sexual intercourse
Girl: oh baby I like that
Boy: oh u smell so good
Girl: I am moaning
Boy: send me a voicenote of you moaning...

And lastly .....they are always with their chargers.....go on check that bb users bag I bet u'lll find a charger or a usb cord...constantly looking for a charging port like a drug addict looking for their next fix....more car chargers have been sold this year than any other year...some even have five batteries just incase.... When u look at it, it really does look like an addiction.... I predict a 'blackberry addicts anonymous' in the future.

Oh yeah, by the way.. I am typing this on my bb

Self-imposed Blackberry Rehab

2010-10-29T02:37:00.000-07:00

For a while I started to wonder what I used to do before I had a blackberry .....can u believe I couldn't remember....its like the blackberry has totally taken over my life and iv had one since I was in my mother's womb...and when I was four n cooking food with sand I had one in my pocket, when I was 8 and in pry 5 I had a blackberry in my school bag... Its like I've never lived without it that's how it feels... and nothing else makes sense anymore.. I mean I used to love watching TV m a big movie buff...I love reading novels but there's never time for that anymore....I used to love talking to people...well not really but if I was antisocial then I can imagine what I am with this blackberry .

I decided to take a week off twitter(well 5 DAYS) thank God I was broke cause that also helped...but not so broke that I couldn't pay for like a week but I just wanted to break this blackberry jinx ah ahn what is it.... Is it sewn to my hand....(Nice idea)

day 1, off twitter I was going insane....I was pulling my hair out and eating it....I had to hide my money so I wouldn't go and buy crdt...of course that didn't help cause duh! I hid it...lol.... Okay am lying....I hd to fight the urge several times not to just go and buy credit....telling myself 'laide u can do it, u can do it' uv got this under control....hehe had to psyche myself up...of course it helped that I hd my novels with me .....marian keyes kept me laughing....and also my series...just started wtching this cool series that's like the british version of high school musical...but way cooler (IMO) in my opinion for dose of u who don't v ur abbreviations down like that..hehe

But who was I kiddin I missed twitter...I kept imagining...

what @mafabaalaso was ranting about today ....who annoyed @juiceegal ......... has @lumidizzle seen any annoying lacewigs lately ? Who has @demilader told to drink cold water? Was something still itching @tomi_giwa's vagina(lol na so she tweet am) ...what those tacky bitches @justadivaa and @missmisan were tweeting about .....is @tunrayopoetry still tweeting @tundefashola abt bariga road ...what new TT's are @playbackgenius @louis_the_xiii @thepervnerd and @sir_scribbles going in on...... Was dere a new naked pic of someone going round was it @afrocandy? Hope it won't still be in circulation when I come back ....has someone finally found out who @gbagaunmopol really is ? Traced him to his house and beat him to a pulp with a mastering english textbook......Has someone finally dm'ed me about buying my vibrator maybe @kikiokeke......Has @wellsbaba finally come out of the closet.....is @stewie_emahh telling @moadeola dey can use the bed now that I am not around.....is @fegons following me again...

I swear alotta things crossed this mind of mine.
Another thing I noticed was that my battery lasted longer than usual ! Like d whole day and d damn thing is still full....so annoying...I swear BIS is like a soul and the blackberry is the human body... A blackberry is so useless and lifeless without internet service.... But m not telling u anything u ddnt already know....u

addict u!

Day 2, I'd say wasn't any easier...by this time I was going crazy and typing stuff in my fone and saving em as tweets so I cd act like I was tweeting...that's how madness starts....
I started to trouble my frail mind with questions like how many times has @mizmaybach and @hawtveebee changed their bbm pic since iv been off probably like 200 times @sexycalabar boy like 400... @ollylicious has probably complained wt her bbm status like 600 times...
I started writing down all the names of all d people I was gonna delete from bbm bcos none of them cd even buzz me to find out why I wasn't on...xcept @mrodada and @mizmaybach @tobispartan When I finished I realized I hd written the names of 95% of d people on my bbm...so I tore the paper...bloody wankers! I would teach them a lesson some other way. I would send them broadcast msgs till dey run mad.

Another thing I realised was that nobody calls again....gosh that's so not nice...I now started remembering all my friends who I abandoned not on purpose... Of course they hd every right to tell me fuck off u bloody abandoner that I am...but dey ddnt.....its so sad that ill abandon dem again when I pay for my BIS(and u tell me dis thing is not of the devil). I re-discovered my love for texting though...

More series....on day 3.... I've been thru 10 episodes of the 2nd season of 'Lie to me' ....is it me or does Cal lightman look like that Nigerian actor 'Mr Ibu???? Anyways after that I started with 'la femme nikita' anything to get my mind off twitter and bbm....its hard I tell u bt I plan to stick to the last day....
*i will survive playing in the background*
Am not crying....something entered my eye.

Day 4, just woke up....am I still alive..... I think I can ‎c d light at the end of the tunnel *hiss* its just d ray of light from the window entering my eyes..... Seems like there'll b no light today....I won't b forced to buy credit...am stronger than my addiction... *now tying self to bed* not taking any chances....ok I've run out of novels to read...but I made a great discovery....I have games on my blackberry and I love em... Lol I would have never found this out if I wasn't taking this time off ...I absolutely love word mole and brick breaker....iv played them and now my batt's almost dead... This no BIS thing might not be so bad afterall...infact am not paying for BIS for a month.... Ok I think I just had a mild heart attack....who am I fooling...month kè!

Day 5, didn't tweet bt am online at work.... Didn't even open twitter... I cross my heart and hope to not die...just posted my blog link...that's all.....I was tempted though. Tommorow.....I'll pay for my BIS.

I achieved so much these past 5 days.... I should do this often.

Dear Drake,

2010-10-27T03:47:00.000-07:00

Or do u prefer Aubrey? Or chidubem...ur real name. You know how before u left u told me ud talk to me thru ur songs?

You know when I first heard 'best I ever had' I remembered all those times in bed when you'd rap a lil bit for me when u told me you had this new song that was about me...and u asked me what I tot about it and I told you it was the song that was gonna catapult you into stardom....I told u didn't I? I love the last bit...where u say
'you know who you are, I got you'

whenever the song comes on I'd shout and tell my friends the song is about me and you wrote it for me...bt as usual they'd laugh and roll their eyes and 'yimu' .....I told u what yimu means right? that thing they do with their nose as if to say 'yeah right' but what do they know.... The closest they'v ever gotten to a celebrity was when tuface passed in his car and splashed water on them.....so I don't blame them.

And what's this you are on about 'finding my love? You already have my love dear...u got it on lockdown.....

I have to tell u when I heard ' I get lonely too' I cried like a fool....when in the begining you were like ' u got my email' ....gosh baby... This long distance thing is killing me.... M so lonely......I think about u everytime....I remember when we'd curl up in bed with some chocolate syrup and ud rub it alll over me and lick it off and I'd do the same and we'd hit the showers together..... And we'd make love to some TLC playing in d background..

I know its hard for you too.... I could tell that much from 'karaoke' .....
"Things have been so crazy and hectic.I should have gotten back by now....but u know hw much I wanted to make it....its probably better anyhow...so if u gotta go if ders anything I shd knw...if the spotlite makes u nervous'

Baby.... Yes it kinda makes me nervous bt I am willing to wait...I don't wanna go anywhere...I don't...its crazy and hectic here too...but am holding on...we can do this...
You know something funny though...u know that part where u go
"I was only tryna get ahead'

I tot u meant a head! Lol I cried for days.....a head from who? How could he do this to me...I was going mad....till I realized you meant 'ahead' not 'a head' ....phew! I would have killed u I swear...

I am no longer a wedding planner dear...I stopped that a while back...am now a copywriter in an advertising firm....and I aint doing anything crazy so u can relax!

"I remember when u thought i was joking, now am off singing karaoke...further than ive ever been."
U know what that line reminded me of? when u'd tell me about how ur talent was gonna take u to obodoyinbo!

I forgive u for not calling me on my bday....yeah u xplained what happened....thanks for the bday gift and I was only joking when I said I was in love with someone else...was only tryna get back at you....I don't need anyone else....

Hmmmn so u want me to believe that all dose fine fine new york and atlanta gurls with their big big bum bums and small waist have got nothing on me??
Hmmmn small small with the zobo drake bt I know u only have eyes for me...they can wriggle their dr 90210 purchased ass all day infront of you....but me I shut it down!!!!! I miss doing my lil strip tease and lap dance routine for u....hehe lol...twas hilarious cause am a total goof ball and I'd knock things down and all....but it was awesome.. I really did show u a good time didn't I???

Where are you now houston atlanta or vegas? Pls don't say I am monitoring u now am just curious..... I miss u a whole lot you know...I know we've been arguing a lot lately bt its just cause we've both been stressed lately...I don't wanna break up u know.....and I know u don't wanna too
So netime u throw the deuces I just throw them bck around.

U and me baby.....its far from over!

Ps: stay away from nicki minaj n tell her to stay away from u ......or like her parents know her nkiru maduekwe .....if she doesn't want me to deal with her...tell her that she should remove her eye from u or else one day when she's performing that her ass that she bought will burst on stage. I have said my own.

Happy Birthday baby!!!!

Love, your puff puff.

The Miracle that happened..

2010-10-10T23:23:00.000-07:00

This is the only way I know how to deal with what happened to me on 9th October , around 1:00am……I keep seeing it in my head..its a good thing ope (he drove)cant remember what happened cause he’d be going through what I am going through right now. We were heading home after chilling with some friends…he was doing like 80/100 and the road was practically free….if I had my way he’d be going slower than 80..well that’s just me sha always cautious and all……I saw something up front but couldn’t quite make out what it was… there was no signal…no warning…to let us know a trailer had broken down and covered the whole road….it was the light from the car that even showed us the trailer and by that time there was nothing we could do to avoid it..nothing…it was too late to do anything by the time we saw it…….instead of hitting the end of the trailer which would have been worse..ope swerved and the car hit the side of the trailer and the car went under a little bit.
My first accident in April, I didn’t see it coming…this one I saw it coming and I remember thinking…. God! Is this how I am going to die? My father will kill me…..i swear that was what came to my head..’my father will kill me’ ….the airbags came out I suppose, glass broke..i was half expecting something to cut me or to feel a sharp pain somewhere but I didn’t…first thing I saw was fire somewhere in front……and first thing I assumed was that we hit a tanker and it was going to explode anytime soon….i panicked….i didn’t even have time to look at ope…I assumed he was also trying to get out like I was….i opened the door..but the seat belt held me back…am looking at the fire…and am praying ‘don’t explode’…I tried to squeeze my way out of it…but I couldnt..and am still thinking ‘pls don’t explode’ ..am fighting with the seat belt and finally I calm down…cause panicking kills..i press the button hurriedly and the seat belt comes off….i see some men running..probably the men who drove the truck and I run with them into the darkness..i had no idea where I was going…was it safe….there was nobody around…I was running into darkeness…what if I run into a ditch or a canal…..where the fuck am I running to...i was wearing a short black dress…what if someone attacks me…so I calm down… fuck it! I was tryna get as far away as possible cause I thought it was a tanker. Then I remember Ope is not with me, he is still in the car…. i want to die…Ope is still in the car…what if it explodes…Oh God pla let him be alive..pls… I look at the trailer properly and its not a tanker….so I head back to the car to check on Ope…. Ope wasn’t moving and I said a silent prayer in my heart ‘Father let Ope not be dead, father please’ its hard to see someone you care about like that….there was blood on his head and then I saw him move and I swear I was happy for that brief second….still nobody around….and am thinking…. What if the car catches fire…cause there was fire earlier on…. How do I get ope out…what if I try to get him out and then something explodes….right now am so scared ….i cant even believe I came out of the car with no injury..i just cant but I thank God under my breath…. Thankfully minutes later the accident causes crazy hold up and people come to check and then they help me get ope out of the car..i was shouting real bad..i remember saying ‘Ope get out of the car! Please help ,me get him out of the car..get out of the car before anything else’ his door couldn’t open…..i dunno how he got out but minutes later he’s out and walking..theres blood on his shirt but he just has some cuts and bruises that’s all….like this has to be some kind of miracle…that we both escaped like that….. Ope was a bit disorientated..his car was a writeoff…..completely destroyed…. I try to calm him down and calm myself down…. All I kept thinking was…Laide what the fuck just happened now and how the hell were u and Ope able to survive this…how how how… people who saw the car said we were lucky…. God was on our side…no other explanation… I managed to get Ope’s phone….i couldn’t even find mine..and called some of his friends we hung out with earlier and they came back for us…..
They found my phine and moved some of Ope’s belongings into their car, took pictures of the accident scene and took us away from the scene, we went to the police station nearby and then to the hospital….doctor did some check up and Ope and I slept in the hospital.. I was so scared for Ope.. I didn’t sleep just kept watching him..i couldn’t even sleep even if I wanted to cause I just kept replaying the accident in my head…. I didn’t sleep at all…I just kept thanking God…thanking him for saving our lives..thanking him for the miracle..thanking him so much…..this was my second accident this year so you can imagine how I felt…Thank God…right now I can’t close my eyes cause all I can see is when the lights from Ope’s car shines and we see the trailer in the middle of the road ….you know that feeling when you know nothing can be done at this point in time..you are going to hit the trailer….you only wish you would survive it or if you go u go quickly and experience no pain. I just keep picturing it in my head and it haunts me. What if it was a tanker and not a trailer carrying cement..it would have been a whole different story…so many what if’s haunt me right now….am just so scared…..i just want to forget..there is a lot to be thankful for…but I just cant get the scene out of my head…. …I just wish it didn’t happen…..am not gonna forget this one in a hurry…and memories of this accident will haunt me for a very long time…but I am thankful to God for‘sparing my life and that of Ope’s….I thank him for this miracle…I thank Ope’s friends who were there for us and if not for them it would have been so much worse..i thank my friends…everybody who called, sent a text, bbm’ed….sent a dm or a msg on twitter..God bless you all for ur prayers!

The fact that I am alive to type this is nothing short of a miracle….

Social networking sites prayer meeting : twitter must die by fire

2010-10-02T15:43:00.000-07:00

Facebook: Good evening my fellow social networking sites
Hi5,myspace,blogger,Friendster: good evening pastor
Fb: now we are gathered here for one reason and one reason alone…to call on our father in social network heaven to come to our aid against our enemy – twitter
Hi5: oh yes! Shamalalarakarakayibobobo(speaking in tongues)
Myspace: (gives hi5 the side eye) yes twitter our enemy
Blogger: do u know how many people, twitter has taken from me…nooo twitter must die by fire
Friendster: Father u must cast twitter into the deep
Hi5: sharaboboboboboyimayimayima
Facebook: let us sing this song before we start praying…hi5 give us a song
Hi5:yimakatakatadonburstatatatatayakata
Facebook: (shouts) I say Hi5 give us a song
Hi5: ooh oh sorry…’I have seen, seen the downfall of twitter, glory be to God…glory be to Jesus I have seen seen the downfall of twitter glory be to God Amen
Friendster: when I look to my left, I see twitter has fallen
Myspace: when I look to my right I see twitter has fallen
Blogger: when I look at my front, I see twitter has fallen
Facebook: when I look at my back, I see twitter has fallen
ALL: we have seen seen the downfall of twitter glory be to God Amen.
Facebook: father in social networking heaven, you said when two or more social networking sites are gathered together..there you will be. father we come to you today to help us deal with our enemy..our enemy that is putting us out of house and home.father we have no other person to turn to, tohelp us fight our enemy twitter. Hi5 pray for us…pls no speaking in tongues
Hi5: huh, ok… our daddy in social networking heaven…daddy u said we should taaaalk that you are lizening….u said we shud tell u what our problem is..father we are talking and our problem is twitter..ever since twitter came into existence the rest of us have seen little or no interest from people in our sites anymore…father twitter is our enemy…he has come to steal our members, kill our sites and destroy us once and for all… father send your thunder,fire and lightening to scatter twitter once and for all…so that we can regain our past glory

Myspace: father we know you can hear us
father in social network heaven: yes I can my children
ALL: (shocked) did he just answer….father is that you
father in social network heaven : No its your mother …mscheeew jamb question
Facebook: father we are so glad to hear from you like this…this is a miracle indeed, father please come to our aid against twitter
father in social network heaven : but what has that lovable, sweet, goodlooking, hot, sexy twitter ever done to any of you
Facebook: father, I can see he has also won ur heart….but father… ever since twitter, we’ve been losing all our members…twitter is an enemy of progress
Father in social network heaven: Why blame twitter for being so awesome? Its not his fault…you guys should also up your game.Facebook you are becoming a bore..too many friggin apps and changes… blogger i wonder why you are here sef…..hi5 you…I don’t even know if there’s hope for u..whether u have been closing ur eyes all dese while..cant u see how facebook is? U don’t even want to improve and u expect twitter not to take ur members…ogbeni Friendster u can like to park well!
Facebook: but, but
father in social network heaven : but me no but mai friend! This kind of thing vexes me..u wont take out the time to sort urselves out and u run to me expecting me to do magic for u, what are you doin for urselves huh? Twitter doesn’t have two heads…
Hi5: father we think he is using jass
father in social network heaven : you see urself.. why is it that everybody dat is doin better than u must be using jazz..cant some people just be doing better because they are smarter, more innovative …huh?
Facebook: father, our daddy
father in social network heaven: hold on @afrocandy just tweeted at me…..
Facebook: father! So what should we do
father in social network heaven: U go back to the drawing board and come up with something to run twitter out of the social networking scene and stop yammering about and speaking your dirty tongues you this hi5..u think sey na beans to speak in tongues…yall are just lazy ‘social networking sites are not smiling’ now get up and go….and stop wasting precious time here.
ALL: yes daddy…thnk u for ur wise words….we see our folly.
(they all rise to leave)
Hi5: our father has spoken…chaporokajabajabakulutempo
Facebook: Hi5
Hi5: yes
Facebook: SHUT THE FUCK UP
Hi5:ok

(when they leave twitter comes out from where he’s been hiding and imitating the social networking god)
Twitter: buahahahahhahahaahahahahahahahaah what a bunch of fools…hahahahahaha gosh no wonder they’ll never get anywhere..they actually thought SNG was tlking to them..gosh I gata tweet that..hahahaha
Therealsocialnetworkinggod: twitter!
Twitter: (scared) who said that! Who is there…so you guys want to do your own
The realsocialnetworkinggod: shut up! Its me social networking god
Twitter: am…am sorry ..i didn’t mean to imitate u…I ..i am sorry..pls don’t punish me..pls
Therealsocialnetworkinggod: mscheeew whats my business with that… just wanted to know… how do u mute someone… @instantmessengergod is clogging up my timeline.

HOW EXSCHOOLNERD USED AND DUMPED ME by GLO

2010-07-28T02:23:00.000-07:00

Because of man.......

2010-07-11T11:46:00.000-07:00

I was just thinking about all the places i have gone to because of a man/boy places that in my right senses i probly wouldnt have gone...all the things ive been through because of one foolish man....
it was because of man that my father gave me a 5pm curfew ooo!!!

So what happened oooh..yea i went to Festac..my first time in Festac..i took a cab,twas during my cabbing days..before i popped my danfo cherry,i lied to my parents that i was going to school, i was probably like 18 or younger..i finally found the house ooooh! met the boy...not bad looking... i saw him a couple of times after that..then this one day...everyone was home..we were in his room...talking and all..i had lost track of time... this boy now starts begging me to touch him...now see ehn..ordinarily lemme not lie i might have touched him if he didnt beg..but how pathetic can u be... he was like ' pls laide! pls touch me..just touch me! touch me there...he pointed to vuvuzela and am like... 'ewww!' like seriously ' y r u begging to be touched'.... i told him i was leaving this goat locked the door... 'u must touch me first'... i took my fone out to check time....6pm! chimo! first i begged...my dad will kill me... he will disown me... he will pack all my belongings into indomie carton and put in front of our door...this randy he-goat will not listen.... i thought about shouting..shebi his family is around...but i was like why cause all the comotion.. i turned it to vex..he no wan open door.... i had made up my mind that i was not going to touch him cause i was so turned off and disgusted....i beg and beg...7pm... i haf died..... i started crying...started banging on the door... people started to ask what was happening..thats when the bastard opened the door... i ran out of that house like a bat out of hell.. took me 30mins to find a cab...just when i thought... Thank God thats over...na so i meet hold-up oooh! one bastard hold-up... after 2hrs on the road its 10pm... my phone's been ringing like crazy but i didnt pick.... i am formulating a lie i will tell my father... i get home... they call me all sort of names and thats how i got my 5pm curfew!

.....So there was this oda idiot in my area oooh! mumu that i was we became friends...we used to hang out alot... when i look back now i just think it was extreme boredom that made us friends.. and i wanna slap myself till my teeth fall off... so yeah this boy, he'd beg me to cook for him and bring it over to his house...he'd beg me for food stuffs like a brainless peacock me sef will go and be stealing my mumcy's beans and rice and yam for this oniranu.... okay now! instead of him to appreciate it,na so so complain.... instead of me to respect myself and siddon for my house i would always go over... i was bored i tell you... until one day i borrow im c.d i say make i go return... i knock enter.... next thing we are sitting on his bench... i dont knw if he shacked that day but next thing he brings out his dirty lips.. "kiss me" and am like "why" and hes like "pls kiss me" and am like 'free me jare' and he's like ' is my mouth smelling y r u treating me like this, kiss me now' i look at him like 'dress to one side jare' next thing i know this sex starved mongrel grabs me and planted his wet, disgusting...amala and ewedu scented lips on mine....chinehke! i saw my mother's face! and i was still a 'fagin' then ooooh.... next thing he pins me down...seriously when a guy is horny he is extra strong..wtf!!!! i tried to push this horny morrafucka off me but he wont budge.... next thing he is undoing my jeans.. am like mogbe! i start crying instanta.. ' segun pls! segun pls na! me that used to bring beans for u! segun pls!' ....fell on deaf ears oh..what i had on top of me was a horny beast ready to devour me.... i start to dey shout ooh! he use hand cover my mouth..i bit that bastard hand.. he had a roomate kunle..that one just started knocking the door.... i think he gained his senses again...cause he got off me opened the door... and knelt down and started crying and begging me...

i rushed out of the door..this fool grabbed my leg and started begging me, 'i dunno what came over me...forgive me'... leave my leg now... 'am sorry say you've forgiven me' ..i said 'i have forgiven u' and that was the last time the guy saw my brake light.. beans in our house lasted for a very long time after that... we'd bump into each other every now and then.. i will just give him one dirty eye and the bastard would know better than to tlk to me...

Man took me to kirikiri side!!!! as in its after apapa.... i dont even know how i reached there or found my way back..went to see my bestfriend and his friend...(details of this visit will not be put on this blog, see me in camera) lets just say that became the beginning of the end of me n my bestie and on the way back home i almost died... i sat in the front seat of the coffin masquerading as a danfo bus and while in motion..on express ooooh..the door just opened fiam! gaddemit! thank God i wasnt leaning on it... i got the shock of my life....just because of man o!

It was because of man..car jammed me on the 17th of April.. okay it wasnt a man i was interested in but he was still a man neways..and i was just doing follow follow.. cause of boredom..wait o! maybe its boredom not man that is always getting me into all dis kain quantas....

letting it flow.....

2010-07-08T17:37:00.000-07:00

First off can i just say a big fat ginormous thank you to yall for ur comments....i so so so appreciate them..and the nominations...Naija bloggers awards..lol...ose o! ose pupo thanks a whole lot people...love u guys...m honoured...vote for me oooh..shey i confuse u alot...sha vote o! click NBA banner below to vote!!!!!

So um, its times like these i wish i was anonymous so i can just pour out my heart....but u know what i couldnt give a rats ass at this point... u know how i deal with stuff... i write.. i write about it until it hurts no more... and at the back of my head am thinking... if am talking about this issue ..they will know its 'paining' me... well it is 'paining' me..permit me to use that word abeg...its d only thing that comes to mind to help express how i am feeling right now.I know its not paining u..look how easy it was for u to let me go....but hey! shit happens...

You know how u feel when u realize that u dont mean as much as u should have to someone... like u feel like the times u were together it was just all lies... u feel like u wanna cry cause there's dis killing pain in ur throat...u feel like u just might never get it right..and u feel like just staying home all day and crying till u forget everything..and u feel like shit! and u feel like u never ever learn from past mistakes which is why u keep making the same ol' shitty ass decisions and mistakes...and u feel like all u might have been was a piece o ass...and u feel like u wanna turn back the hands of time and maybe ud have done things differently...and u feel like singing beyonce's 'why dont u love me' and u feel like crap...ugly ass crap..and u just feel bad about urself...and u just wanna cry!

Thats how i feel.

And i just wanted to let it all out....

i know am not crap, i know am not ugly ass crap sef... i know i deserve better.. deserve to be loved..but right now...i just feel bleeeeeeeeeeeeeh!!!!!

to know u can be let go of so easily..well it sucks ass i tell u....

they say big girls dont cry..we dont o! we wail like modafucker!

I have wailed in advance sha, which is why my cry fest isn't that crazy right now... getting my grown woman on now... its time to get my shit together...and i end with this quote

"I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken -- and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived" - Margaret Mitchell

Dear santa

2010-06-19T15:49:00.000-07:00

Dear Santa,

I know its kinda odd writing my first dear santa at my age, but u see over here in Nigeria we are not really brought up to believe in santa claus, infact we call him ‘father Christmas’ and most times…. Our oh so special father Christmas turns out to be our driver……and they give the crappiest gifts like plastic spoons, matches..seriously that kinda thing vexes a child…so yeah I gave up on ‘father Christmas’ but u are santa…the boss of all bosses..u are like the rick ross of all ‘father xmas and santa’s everywhere so I thought id take my plea to you.
Oh hows Mrs Claus and the family and EKaette? Hope she’s not giving you people wahala o!
Ok santa my name is laiyonce and I am a kul chiqk with manner(lol…u gata b on twitter for this line to make sense to you) ….ive been good so far this year..i mean I eat my veggies(efo n egusi), I brush my teeth(like I have a choice) I haven’t told that many lies…I didn’t get pregnant….okay yeah ive seen a few vuvuzela’s (might have touched cant remember..) and I’ve let em see mai jabulanis (dey might have touched too not too sure) I have sexual relations amnesia…but am a grown ass woman now…at least am not using mai ikebe to collect money…that’s a good thing right?
Yeah ive had a few sexual tots about a whole lotta guys (the rock,jeremih,trey songz, that fine ass hottie I saw at yaba, jerkface) and a few gurls (liv tyler n Kerry Washington) …and ok maybe I watch lesbian porn…..whaaaaaat!!!! don’t u? but m not a lesbian….
I did steal my brothers 1k (it was just lying there with its cute dimpled face shouting ‘laide take me! Take me pls! it broke my heart) I couldn’t let it down could i? lets just say I adopted it…
I know I am the mineral bandit- the unseen mineral thief in our house….and I love reading the bad parts in novels…
I know I don’t say my payers everyday even though I should know better..and I laugh at Mrs okonkwo’s beards….but u would laugh to if you saw the beard on this woman…it’s a full on goatie right now….i mean doesn’t she have a mirror…ok m done gossipin…oh yeah! I don’t gossip much cause it’s a waste of time, if I do it its not spiteful gossiping..just stuff like ‘ did u see wat aisha used as a lacefront wig? Darling yaki! Hahahahaa…..and that’s about it..we don’t insult aisha! Never!
I never hate on anyone….thats one thing I never do!
I give to the needy….except that one guy that is always hissing if you don’t give him anything..where does he get off giving people that help him attitude…so I don’t give him cause he doesn’t appreciate nothing.
I know I use words like ode, fool, u dey mad, fucktard oshi, oloshius fellow, disgorritant..but its all jokes santa and the peeps don’t mind.
I also have my good side…I help friends out, I am nice n caring..and thoughtful and all those other good things….i don’t dig my nose in public, neither do I scratch my butt….i don’t fart in public(ok except that one time I mistakenly let it slip infront of daddy but I apologized na….butt muscles just couldn’t care less that day….i am not my butt muscles santa!)
And I know I curse a lot…but you would too if u were using GLO.
I guess the point I am trying to make here is that I have not been totally good but I haven’t been bad either…been more good than bad…I want to ask for one thing this xmas and it would really make me happy.
Santa I want yansh!
I want Omotola Jalade Ekeinde kind of yansh, the yansh that will make a guy drive off third mainland bridge if he’s looking too much…that make people park their cars come out and start clapping and singing… ‘Come and see what the Lord has done, there is nothing he cannot do..come and see what the Lord has done’..the kinda yansh apple bottoms were made for…the yansh that can start a trending topic on twitter called –Laide’syansh and would have a fanpage on facebook of over 500,000 fans…that’s the kind I want santa….
I hope ive been able to convince u and not confuse you on why I need some junk in my trunk…
Bye santa.
Ps: I know about u and Ekaette.

Glo made me an insomniac!!!!

2010-06-16T00:29:00.000-07:00

Its 2:47am and am up (all thanks to GLO) okay GLO has nothing to do with it..am always up by this time…just needed to blame them cause their service has been craptacular for the past 4days…so nething that happens to me now I blame GLO…i am late for work…it has to be GLO’s fault… I forget to put salt in the food…if I wasn’t thinking about how much I hated GLO I would have remembered…I forget to wear underwear…GLO! You catch my drift huh? GLO is the cause of all my problems!!!! Funny I started having problems with GLO on the day of bella’s wedding… maybe bella was never supposed to get married..maybe if she gets married the GLO empire will fall(insert evil laugh here)…someone hurry up and gaan make that into a naija move…yall like crappy storylines like that…..
So I am up cause this is the only time service is less brain-touchy….but almost everyone has gone to bed, jerkface my partner in insomniac crimes is even asleep usually we’d be up talking about everything from sex, movies, farting to staphylococcus …hehehe..no he doesn’t have staphylococcus ooh…I wonder why that even came up in our convo…lol… imagine if that was someone’s name..hehehe
Okay so now that am up….what do I do with myself..oh yes TV..that big is it square or rectangular now..i never did know my shapes…sha that thing hanging on the wall…that has pictures and sound..that I never put on these days because of d evil blackberry….blimey! nothing interesting is on!!!! Not in the mood for jerseylicious…gets on my fucking nerves…gosh DSTV can be so useless at times…so many channels, nothing sensible to watch…. I probably have something fun recorded (thank God for the PVR)….. yes! UGLY BETTY and UNDERCOVER BROTHER…. Even though ugly betty doesn’t do it for me anymore..like really shes not UGLY nemore it just takes away from the whole show… its now NOT SO UGLY BETTY.. whats that? I mean someone on twitter actually said the new UGLY BETTER can ‘get it’…..NO NO NO NO….we don’t want a betty that can get it…we want a horrid looking betty, who gets into embarrassing situations and makes us cringe on our sofa(chair…sofa just sounded better) but secretly happy that its her and us not in such a horrid situation….not BETTY that’s actually fuckable (pardon my French)I mean shes looking so gud now I am actually considering putting her in my top 100 women id shag if I was gay list….and that’s a big deal!!!….and Wilhelmina isn’t as vicious as before!!!! Oh the horror! I don’t wanna watch anymore…mscheeeew…..so I guess I should do undercover brother (one of my fav movies by the way) why do all these series get crappy as they go..cant they get better like old wine??? Hehehe…… even Gossip girl is giving me headaches …threesomes? Serena and a married man…. Wtf! I just saw BETTY’S cleavage …..ok I am so changing it now now now…WTF? Betty doesn’t show cleavage!
I have work tomorrow oooh….i cant be bothered jare! Doesn’t mean ill get there late sha… gosh I hate the trip to the office..the office is fab and cool.. I get to see eye-candy everyday… all d different accents makes it seem like am in some foreign country and there’s food every now and then and wine (not that I like wine but it seems to make every other person happy…and am happy if they are happy…so yeah wine!!! Wooo hooooo! But the trip to the office…… ‘annoying’….like seriously I mean… ‘don’t fine guys use the BRT?’ I just had to ask that question.. like seriously…. Ok once in a while there’s a fine guy on the bus… but cant there be like seven…I just wanna have something good to look at one my way to work cause that ride can be boring….is that too much to ask? Oh brother!
Why am I still watching UGLY BETTY!!!

Its 3:10am and am still up…. And still watching UGLY BETTY…someone should invent a voice activated way to change ur channel….thats d sole reason why its still on NOT SO UGLY BETTY….am too lazy to stand up….so lazy that if a genie just popped up right now id waste one of my wishes on the remote magically appearing in my hand..mscheeew!!!
So Daniel just told BETTY she looks great (and she does)…. *now standing up and searching for remote*
Who am I kiddin…am not standing up from here…I just wont watch….betty’s bro..is he her bro or her sister’s kid. what do they call dose again….her nephew(that’s what its called right? Forgive me m getting dumb nowadays?) neways he is so cute…throw on a wig and he looks like a girl *WAIT WHY THE FUCK AM I WATCHING….next thing u knw Daniel and betty will fall in love…mscheeeew!!!

This my mother can scare someone..what is she doing in the compound at 3:42am…….abeg o! abi is she sleep walking..i can like to gaan check before she sits on the dog….
Okay I think I need to go to bed right now..3:49 …..am waking up in 2hours…hahaha who am I kiddin….3hours is more like it….
I pray for two things… no weird ass dreams and fine guys on the BRT tmrw…pray with me will u.

when twitter caught me in bed with bbm and facebook...and um hi5(well nt rili)

2010-05-25T20:19:00.000-07:00

Laide: oh yeah baby!
Twitter: u like it like that yeah?
Laide: yes baby! Oh bbm...dont stop bbm!
Twitter: huh? Bbm ke…wtf!!! Who’s bbm?
Laide: fuck! …nothing babes.er…it jus means baby mi
Twitter: you are lying to me! Ive heard that name before….who is bbm laide?
Laide: serious baby….no one…
Twitter: okay dear!!! Good night
Laide: but baby!
Twitter: good night!

TWO WEEKS LATER

FB: If twitter catches us ehn…u will smell ur yansh..
Laide: u nko? He will beat u silly….betta do quick and b going to ur house..oo stop dat tickles
FB: laide uv bn ignoring me lately….u know dat..i tot we still had something
Laide: I know dear, its just that with twitter and other stuff I don’t rili have time for much
FB: not even for me? Remember how we used to roll back then….u cnt give dt up
Laide: (smiles) I miss dose times too, was thinking we cud go back to how we were bt I need time
Fuck! Did u hear that? Seems like twitters home…quick under the bed..fast fast!
FB: what!!!!
Laide: under the bed ode!!!
(Bursts into room)
Twitter: so I knew something was up wit u…and I had to put up a camera in our room…I wtchd the tape yesterday...its been eating me up..but I know uv bn seeing someone else…who iz it?
Laide: covers face! i.i…..ii…i…..what? u ruggedized me? How cud u?
Twitter: don’t change the topic binsh
Laide: I can xplain baby! I can!
Twitter: ehen!
Laide: its..its bbm
Twitter: no be babymi again shey… baby wat d fuck! Wtf! I tot we wer tru with ur whoring…I mean u were doin fine..u started SNAA(social network addicts anonymous) uv been clear of ur addiction for 3 months..what happened.
Laide: I dnt knw baby! I jus cnt help myself
Twitter: I mean is it the sex…don’t I kip u tweeting all nite long… I mean! Jus because of u…I even take alomo so I can mk u twitlonger.
Fb mutters from under bed - *ODE*
Laide: I know baby I know..but its just dt…I cant stick to one, baby…ive tried…am insatiable
Twitter: first it was that gaytard facebook
Facebook coughs under the bed…
Laide coughs acting like she’s the one
Twitter: dat gay bastard! I bet he likes it in d ass…. What did u ever see in him
FB: ah ah warris the meaning of that one ooo!!
Twitter: who is that?
Laide: nobody!

FB exits from under the bed.
Twitter: what the fuck!
FB: bros cool down! Na d same way I catch u and am for my bed before..so why u dey shine muscle
Twitter: ur case is critical laide…
Laide: tell me about it
Twitter: u been messing around with gaybook too? I mean wat next… naijapals? Does it ever end
FB: hehehehe I love drama…. See ehn I hv accepted that laide is a social network whore..she loves whoring..she cant stop it..d more u try to stop it the worser she becomes…accept it ….
Laide: its true! Its true! Its true! Bt I hv to say something…GBAGAUN!
Twitter: friggin illiterate! Smh
FB: when did I gbagaun?
Twitter: so bbm is d new guy huh? Wats so special abt him..does he keep u entertained…what d fuck does ds bbm do dts so friggin special
Laide: BBM come out!
FB and Twitter: CHINNNNNEEEKE!
(BBM steps out…crixus resembling something)
BBM: well this is awkward
FB: ( looks at laide) ….u don’t fucking say!
Twitter: (staggers) My frail heart cant take this anymore….pls tell me u don’t have HI5 hiding somewhere here
BBM: hi kini!!!
FB: I wont be surprised
Laide: Well!!!!!
Twitter: fuck!
Laide: its not what u think..he wont leave me alone ooo
HI5: (comes out from toilet)…..pliz na! laide pliz come back
FB: u never die?
HI5: na u kill me…
FB: well pretty much…
HI5: hi5 will regain his former glory
EVERYBODY BURSTS OUT LAFFING
BBM: My friend dress far! (pushes HI5 out of the way)
FB: hehehe….this is fucking weird right now…
BBM: baby, y r dese dudes here
FB: jambquestion toh bahd…
Twitter: dudes? Where’d u get this dunce from? U r in my fucking crib
BBM: ill pretend for one minute I care….ok am done!
Twitter: oh yes u r! right after I put my foot up ur ass
BBM: o de wo face! Wo dada!
Twitter: (taken aback by the broken, a lil scared but cant stop now) I don’t give a fuck…
(Tries to punch BBM)
(fight fight fight)
Hi5 gives face book punch
HI5: (PUNCH)This is for all d people uv stolen from me….
HI5:( PUNCH) this is for making me a laughing stock among my peers
H5: (PUNCH) this is for! Mai mama joining facebook…(starts crying)
FB: let it out! Let it out!
HI5: (PUNCH) this is for making me gay
FB: let it out!!! Ehn! I no do that one oooo!!!
STOP IT!! STOP IT!!!! I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE…STOP IT!!!
(EVERYONE PAUSES)
LAIDE: I AM TIRED!!! …now heres what is going to happen…. I cant make a decision..yall know me too well..i cant..i like all of yall…except hi5..
HI5: ah ahn nau
Laide: well not anymore
HI5: crying
FB: (rubbing HI5’s back) let it out! Let it out!
Laide: I love yall!! And I cant stick to one I know….i gata have u all…
FB,TWITTER and BBM: WHAT!!
LAIDE: its either that or nothing…I cant choose…even if I wanted to..

BBM: well better that than losing u
Twitter: I guess if I love u, I gata deal with ur imperfections
FB: I am down for whatever
HI5: Okay!! no problem…

FB,Twitter,BBM and laide: *blank stare*

HI5: Oh am not included..cuz I tot.that..maybe..u.. oh right…not me..okay! I can take a hint
FB: finally!
HI5: I know where am not wanted
BBM: u do!
HI5: Nobody loves me… am gonna just jump out this window and kill myself
(No ones interested)
HI5: so am going near the window to jump
(No one answers)
HI5: am by the window…n I am about to kill myself
(nothing)
HI5: I Will kill myself and rid the world of me..not like anyone cares..or anyone will miss me…not like they check on me..or ask…after me..or lo……yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
(BBM kicks HI5 out the window)
Laide: I tot ud never kick him out!

AND THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER!

FOR NOW!

APRIL 17TH...its kinda hard to forget the day u almost died

2010-05-14T01:49:00.000-07:00

April 17th would always be one I’ll remember, no its not my birthday….it is rather my friend Layo’s birthday and the day that would have been my last (no kiddin’) …if not for God. So it started out all nicely I had exams, I was pretty hungry afterwards, went to whitehouse….hung out with a couple of friends…. N then went to ozone and met another friend we got talking and all….yada yada yada…..so one things leads to another and we are on our way to Maryland to get some stuff at compu village … me and 3 other people…neways you know the funniest thing ever…this my friend is probably one of the very few people that has been able to describe my personality and get it to the tee but that’s by the way..so…everything in me said..laide! just go to the hostel and rest…but I ignored the voice within… and on our way to Maryland I was like what if we have an accident now..and m like tufiakwa! God forbid..and my friend says to me,,, if u rscared about something n you think about it too much it will happen….but I just brushed it aside.

We get to Maryland, stop over at sweet sensation…the owner of the car and his friend needed to pee in sweet sensation…while I watch for my friend so he could park the car, or rather jeep properly. He gets into the jeep and then reverses into the road and hits a bullion van….and me am shocked like wtf just happened..and expect one kain crazy scene..cause m thinking..bullion van - police escorts… I wasnt even allowed to finish my thoughts properly when the jeep just came forward and hit me….fuck! okay now heres the part where I think it was God…. U know all those gates that fold..well dey had them at sweet sensation…so somehow I dnt know..cant remember getting in between the gates in such a way that I was sandwiched by them….so the car sandwiched me in between the gates and a car behind me…. Hit us together……GBAM!...spoils the gates..
Lemme use this diagram to explain

->I me I<-

LMAO…. Cause most peeps don’t understand…

The first arrow is the jeep
Then first I is a gate
Then me
The second I is the gate behind me
and the last arrow is another car behind me and the gate

The jeep hits all of us together……

I know the first thing I thought was..FUCK! wat just happened..one minute I was standing there the next minute am hit….and all I tot was… if he wants me to live, he’ll get the fucking car off me NOW!... I don’t know who brought me out…but I figured nothing happened to my eyes cause I could still see..all I knew was blood was dripping from someone above my eyes..my forehead or my scalp … so one of the peeps I came with takes me behind sweet sensation to wash the wound….and gave me a hankie to apply to it….the hankie was soaked with blood in seconds..neways there were alotta people there saying sorry yada yada yada…then this woman probably a manger from SS..comes n starts shouting why did they bring me there, yall r gonna lose ur job…so I told my friend I wanted to leave that place..as I stood up I knew something was missing, my bb…. I shouted! WHERE’S MY PHONE? Lol…luckily I found it on the table..PHEW! I no trust anybody cause they wont hesitate to even rob me in my condition.
I was feeling sorta dizzy n didn’t wnt to get a concussion so I really wanted to get medical attention, finally that same dude with me got me a cab n we looked for a hospital around..the cab driver was just taking us in a circle n I was feeling weaker and weaker twas at that point I called my brother… just incase..so at least he’ll know where I was… finally got to this private clinic..yeye looking place and they r like 9k for just registration.nt for treating me ooooh…neways we decide to go to general hospital but am like lets just get to a pharmacy and do something about the blood first..so metropark was just right beside it…n there’s a med plus there...at this point I had to be carried…cause the same gate that probably made sure the car didn’t hit me …also injured me..my feet had bruises and where twice its original size..the right one still aches till now… and my thighs, especially the right thigh..…I couldn’t walk..the pain was maddening…my shoulders too…and my hands….crazy…so the owner of the car…who happens to b a medical student in Romania(don’t blame me he kept saying it)…helps me clean my wound along with my brother’s girlfriend….. n they all take me to general hospital.

Them doctors there are just a bunch of heartless mo fo’s yes I said it..neways some evil nurse says she has to shave the hair at the part where the deep gash is… and she shaves more than she is supposed to… I couldn’t tell whether she had hair or not…neways after which they take me to this really annoying female doctor who stitches the wound..damn twas painful..but I endured.. I asked if I could get an xray and the bitch squeezed her face like… like hell u can… and right now am angry and am like… see ehn am not like al those patients who don’t ask questions and probe… thass how person will leave hospital and gaan collapse somewhere not my portion sha…. I sha gave her a piece of my mind..cause i hate people with attitude..am I the cause of your problem? Is it not ur job…They still didn’t let me do the xray don’t blame dem sha….cause their services r free they r having brain touch…

My mom was at the hospital now she didn’t say much sha….but I knw she was thinking heaven and hell… “where did this wan carry her head to that she got hit”…….. what didn’t people ask me “where u in the same car with Da grin(b4 he died), where u on okada (people asked this one the most)..wetin una don turn me into..okada mama?.....”where you tweet-walking” …..”Where you using you bb and crossing the road” ….lol…so yall know now!!! Na jeje I stand.
I learnt a lot from this experience, I thank God it wasn’t fatal, I thank God for saving me because it was a very serious accident..i mean the impact was mad and if the gate wasn’t infront of me..there would have been nothing to protect my body…but I had not so serious injuries… I thank God because he was merciful, because he said it wasn’t my time, and he wanted me to learn from the experience. I thank Him for the gift of life….which I cherish..
It also made me think about life after death, if I died, where would I have gone..not heaven…. And that was like a wake up call… letting me know I need to get my spiritual life intact.
And it also taught me that it takes just a second for everything to end..just one second…one minute I was ok, the next I was spilling blood from my head.
And also that life’s short…so short… u never know what will happen next…so enjoy every minute, cherish it and don’t wait for a NDE..live life like tmrw aint guaranteed…take chances do what u gata do….cause life is short…..live a fulfilled life.
And lastly listen to that voice within…cause I know if I had… the only accident I would have had is running into a door in my hostel.

A week after the accident i was in the vicinity not near the accident site per se but i started but breathe faster than usual when i remembered it.... plus i just couldnt get the accident from my mind for a while..everytime i close my eyes i see the car hitting me... n i imagine all sorts... but thank God

But thank God for everything…..and thank yall…for the love, care and concern shown to me after the accident. God bless yall….
May the good lord guide and protect us, May he see us through this year and May we not be the victims of any Accident. May he guide our going out and coming in…and all our activities this year….and cover each and every one of us with the blood of Jesus. Death will not be our portion this year in Jesus name.

SHALLOWVILLE

2010-04-11T09:11:00.000-07:00

We strive to impress
those by whom we are opressed
who have unlimited acess to six digit accounts
born with silver spoons in their mouths
yet we starve to acquire
things they get on a platter
resulting in headaches and ulcers
our poor stomachs are left to suffer
the consequences of our low-self esteem
compounded with a hollowness within
there are no lenghts so extreme
we couldnt possibly reach
so we pilfer our parents pockets
just to keep up with the joneses
offer ourselves like meat
to old men who desire young things
and in return they dip into their pockets
to reward us for services we give
and with these disgraceful resources
we buy loius vuitton purses
and engage in shoppin sprees
hoping to fill the void within
but soon we come to realise
those from whom the scales have fallen from their eyes
we are residents of shallowville
a sad place where our worth is measured
by the material things we so treasure
and if this vicious cycle isnt stopped
we find ourselves back at square one
still trying to impress
those by whom we are opressed

FUTURE BLOG POST - 4/10/2014

2010-03-27T10:57:00.001-07:00

HOW I GOT MY 'SLUTY' BACK

Its funny how you can love someone one minute, and the next minute u are thinking up ways of chopping his body into tiny little pieces and stuffing it into a body bag. My husband is sleeping next to me on the bed and his snoring can rival any generator...i tell you sometimes its like sleeping with a generator...so i cant sleep, but thats not the only reason why i am up at this ungodly hour blogging, oh no it isnt... theres more to it...so we haven’t really been on good terms this past week... we’ve both been cranky, snapping at each other,acting childish and shit.... and its been real annoying because a gurl needs some and how can u get some from a big baby

ok so it started on Sunday when i wanted to change the bed sheets....i chose the blue bedsheet but he insisted on the pink...and in my mind i was like ‘which guy likes pink bedsheet’....but we fought back and forth on what friggin colour of bedsheet to use... i tried to tell him that ‘pink’ was a girlie colour so i didn’t understand his sudden love for it..or was this his way of coming out of the closet.... all of a sudden his mood changed.

‘What are u trying to insinuate are you calling me gay?’ and am like... ‘sheesh am only joking na! When did u start taking stuff serious like this’ but this man turned it into something else ooo and didn’t sleep in our bedroom... i even had to go beg him and apologise but e no gree, e carry face like shit and i kuku left him....

Tuesday wasn’t any different, at this point i was really pissed cause i was wondering if it was my lil comment yesterday thats causing him to act up or something else. When i went to run my hands over his chest like i usually do after his bath.... he was like

‘ wo! I don’t have time for this today jare!’
See me see wahala.... but i tot u always liked it and u always had time for it before... he didn’t answer me ooooo!!!
‘You know i hate it when u tie this ur yeye wrapper ‘
I don’t know how tying my wrapper is affecting you...
‘cant you get something a lil sexy, appealing’
‘what if i don’t want something sexy’
‘well id like to see you in something sexy’
‘something pink’ i joked?
‘ you know what i have to go to work’
‘my kiss nko?’
‘No kiss today, come back tommorow’
‘Chinedu what is all this about’
‘’I’ll see you in the evening’

Wednesday morning

i couldn’t find even one of my wrappers....
Chinedu pls have u seen my wrappers??
‘ I burnt them’
‘you what? U r kiddin right?
‘No i burnt them u can search for them, ull never see them...
‘What right do u have to take something that belongs to me and burn it..are u out of ur friggin mind’
‘Maybe’
‘So what am i supposed to use now’
‘Check ur drawers i got you some stuff’
What is all this rubbish, u must have mistaken me for some two-bit stripper if u think i am going to wear this.
Whats wrong with it, its sexy and i like it
‘You are kiddin right, see chinedu this isn’t even funny anymore...where r my wrappers’
‘i burnt them, i don’t like them, they are not sexy, they are a turn off’
‘And this garbage is a turn on?’
‘Hell yeah, try one on and come and give me a lap dance’
‘Chinedu are u alright, lapdance ke??? Are u okay?
‘You used to be real fun and interesting u know... willing to try new things.. i miss that’
‘ so i am not fun and interesting anymore, am just a boring old fart now?’
‘yes’
‘u were supposed to say no’
‘no’
‘and mean it’
‘ what do u want from me laide!’
I WANT MY FRIGGIN WRAPPERS!
Mscheew!! M going to work.

Thursday nite

Laide where are my boxers and who the hell owns these pants in my drawer
Your boxers were such a turn off, i think pants r better... they accentuate ur assets properly, i like seeing what u r working with hunny’
‘Laide where r my boxers?’
‘I gave them to the gateman..... oya put on one pant and shake ur tail feather for me cowboy’
‘ omigosh when did u become so boring Chinedu’
‘So this is payback laide?’
‘uh huh!,
‘u knw i was only trying to spice our marriage up’
‘whats wrong with our marriage, i thought it was fine the way it was’
‘its boring and u know it’
‘Because m not dressing like a slut and shaking my pom poms in ur face’
‘pom poms i like the sound of that...hmmn’
‘Okay enough ! my boxers!
‘Good nite!’

Friday

We didn’t talk at all!!! And i started to realise this was getting a little out of hand....and i started to think. You know it won’t be bad it i sexified it up a little.. like really if i were chinedu would i really be turned on by a wrapper wearing wife... and yea! I have gotten a little boring... sex has gotten blaaaah.. he wanted to try something crazy the other nite and i said ..NO! no not anal oooo... i would so give him an uppercut if he suggested that.... some kind of wheelbarrow style sex thingie.... i was like chineke! No be me and u..but ive been thinking.... and u know what i did... i got some French maid outfit and some sexy nighties from this sex store i erm...stumbled on...no i don’t have it bookmarked...sheesh.... and they are sending it tomorrow.....operation blow his mind has just begun.

Saturday

Honey wake up!
What is it?
Just wake up we need to talk!
Talk about what?
‘why is the room so dark’
‘and oh Gawd! U r back wearing ur wrappers...’

.....music playing in the background...... (Dwele – find a way)
*wrapper comes off and underneath is my French maid outfit*
*chinedu sits up immediately and cleans his eyes repeatedy*
U r not dreaming honey!
Come sit down here!!!
Hahahah don’t tell me u actually wore those pants...
‘Like i had a choice..nice package huh?’
‘why do u think i married you? ‘
‘ For my smarts and good looks’
‘What smarts and what good looks, don’t kid urself o!’
‘ am hurt!’
‘Shutup! And stay still!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*singing* ...am bringing sluty back

Blogville....the rest is none of ur business........
But er... the wheelbarrow thingie...gets the thumbs up! hehehe

‘

VALS DAY, NEW JOB, NO BOYFRIEND

2010-02-13T15:34:00.000-08:00

Its valentines day! whooptie doo...na that was fake..i aint feeling it..

So its the morning of valentines day and am here, sitting next to my brother who's snoring... updating my blog...how grand!

Its been a minute, missed blogville...its just so hard to find time to update nowadays..i dont even have time for myself...

So i started an internship at MTV BASE...been at it since January... its been good so far... got a bunch of weird and wacky co-workers..but mostly funny peeps.

My boss lets call him oga yellow..hehehe(he'll kill me if he reads this) is dis very rad, lively, witty dude...ok he curses a lil...just a teensy weensy bit...but nothing serious....

Then there's THE BIG DUDE.. yeah cause hes really tall..i thought i was tall he takes d cake...

Then the two musketeers.... D and G..no not dolce and gabbana silly.... D cracks me the eff up i tell yer..okay so one day me and sarah(d other intern) where just tlking after our morning meeting..and shes asking me how many times i came to work last week..and just as D enters the room i say 'I CAME TWICE'...lolz D gives both of us the side eye ..like wha tha fuck? andsays something like... " i probably came in at the wrong time, i shouldnt have heard that"...lolz..and we r laffing our heads off and he tells everybody else...lolz...

G on the other hand is just G.. i knew him b4 MTV BASE..long story..*coughs* nothing oooooo!!! hmmmn... i can see ur olofofo radars...

so there F..shes the bubbly go to girl... but dont u ever get her angry!!!!

and of course there's Tony...and theres Cynthia(MTV/MTN V.J) who is refreshingly down to earth...n good fun..so yeah dats the team...

Tony and I are slowly becoming buds... was giving him relationship advice..lol..like i know shit... but anyways was counselling him...as THE BIG DUDE put it...LOLZ...plus tony drives like a mad man...shit! pls yall need to put me in ur prayers oooo... dude can dance too....hes tryna get me to start loving naija music..not that i dont but its just a whole lot of d same stuff...gets me tired...but one song he made me like was DURELLA'S- ENEMIES..

oh yeah Sarah the other intern..shes bubbly too..maybe a lil hyper... she sings alot too... a whole lot..like seriously sometimes i just wanna shout 'SHUT THE EFF UP SARAH'...shez got a lovely voice though... HI SARAH..i know ull kill me..

Recently something embarassing happened..well two embarassing things... okay so sarah was going upstairs n sorta missed a step and i was laughing crazily at her... next thing i knew i found myself .....yakata!....on the ground.... twas like film trick i swear....i was just so happy she was d only one there..cause u know those kinda really embarassing falls...where someone has to help u up..yes.... i broke the damn chair....now id like to believe it was the chairs time to go...cause haba..i aint no yokozuna na......

Another thing that happened..okay so boss is with the lappie m using and he finds out m on twitter and uses my account to follow him..... and naturally m like objecting cause i tweet alotta shit and i dont want him to start looking at me like some perverted slut... *adjusts halo* ehen..so afterwards i tweet 'my boss is now following me, no more tweeting about sex'....and i didnt think he'd check that soon cause he doesnt tweet much.. but to my horror... he comes downstairs with a smile on his face and says infront of everybody 'MY BOSS IS NOW FOLLOWING ME, NO MORE TWEETING ABOUT SEX'.......i wanted to DIE!

and hes like... hes scared and hes gon unfollow me cause he doesnt wanna be reading about my sex life(more like imaginary sex life)....lolz...and he did unfollow me..thank God.... guess my tweet worked....

Talking about my sex life...which is non existent by the way... being single can suck sometimes sha... met a couple of dudes but they is dulling..like they be dulling on per second billing..and if u r reading this its true and u know it..

recently i met someone i really like though but dude just had to go have a girlfriend..like its so painful..like i dont like people like dis... but this nucca just had to have a girl.but am mad attracted to this dude..like mad mad mad...u get the picture....mscheeew...cupid je ko ri e kpe...so gbo...ode oshi!

There are some other dudes am talking to sha...but nothing yet we just tryna figure each other out....ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGH..why do i have to get married again..pls remind me......

so this valentines day am doing some O.Y.O somethings... but me and some girlfriends are gonna hang..and there might b a dinner thingie later on..MIGHT... a friend invited me(a girl)...dont have anything to wear sha....

HEY YALL CAN YOU BE A FAN OF MTV BASE NIGERIA ON FACEBOOK
click the link to go to the page and click on BE A FAN

id really appreciate it...

MTV BASE IS 5 THIS MONTH, THERES GONNA BE A HUGE PARTY AT TRIBECA of 700 people... i said huge didnt i? Its gon be at tribeca...the 12TH OF MARCH...you can win tickets at the fan page so check it regularly for more info!

Dear Abdul Umar Farouk ‘underwear bomber’ Mutallab,

2010-01-08T11:51:00.000-08:00

Hi u, good (whatever time of the day this letter meets you) hope u slept well or have been sleeping well.. I haven’t. I keep having nightmares of people shoving their gloved hands inside my vjayjay looking for bomb… *shudders* ..it is very scary I tell you…and its all your fault u know.. u cute underwear bomber u.

Underwear bomber..haha u see ur life? Shey na d name ur papa give u be that..smh...…oloju wonko wonko, pesin wey dem give everything wey no go siddown do something with im life.

How are you sha? Hows prison life in Michigan? Seen any of your terrorist friends? The ones who got you into this mess you are in now? NO? wait first…. *IN TOI*….your eye don clear now shebi.

I have known a lot of horny bastards in my days but u take the cake, I read about your postings on the net before the event and i quote

"As i get lonely, the natural sexual drive awakens and i struggle to control it, sometimes leading to minor sinful activities like not lowering the gaze [in the presence of unveiled women]. And this problem makes me want to get married to avoid getting aroused"

I mean did u have to go to heaven (in ur mind) to get some?? U probably heard 40 virgins and where like sign me up…sheesh..horny much?

I pity u… na hell u for meet yourself..na hitler and idi amin go dey service u…dem go use u do setting.

Hitler Mondays to Wednesdays… idi amin Wednesdays to Fridays… Saturdays and Sundays the devil will take over...

Abacha on public holidays.

You be fine boy na? Albeit fine boy olodo… but fine boy all the same.. do you know how many girls would have given an arm and leg…some of em on twitter sef to get with you….what the fuck is wrong with you?

No really what the fuck is wrong with you… Lord knows how much I wish my words could just reach up and give you a dirty blow , slap that your silly face…n then kick u in the groin repeatedly…for putting us on every news channel in the friggin world, for adding terrorist to our list of wrongs.. u should be ashamed of your self.

It wasn’t okay that we were labeled 419ers, now we are terrorists too? U gata be kidding me… next thing Oprah’s gonna do a show about us being terrorists.. u just wait.

Your lonely said u were, u never had any real friends, nobody to confide, that’s what you said about ur days in London. Daddy didn’t give you enough attention? If we all decide to become suicide bombers because we are lonely or are not getting attention from certain people or some other stooopid ass reason… people would be dying rapata!!

You got the best education, you travelled around the world at will.. you were one of them silver spoon babies..the fuck entered your head? Or perharps who?

I mean I changed the channel to FOX news on that faithful day expecting to hear Glen Becks loud migraine giving voice…and next I see is Nigerian held in an attempt to blow up plane….like fucking hell not a Nigerian.. like why a Nigerian..whyyyyyyyyyy?????? why anybody sef…

why didn’t you just sit your atole ass down in your lovely London apartment, being a good muslim boy, fantasizing about girls you couldn’t have.. why o why…. Did you have to bring shame to Naija.. as in..serious doti-ing of our already soiled name.

In the words of daddy showkey “somebody tun le se, somebody da le ru’…..

We here tryna change the world’s perception of Nigeria, but you’ve successfully undermined the rebranding challenge….you taken us back to where we were before…

infact u r mad!

I have been mincing words since but you are mad..u just have to be.wayray ni e sha… u still get mouth shey? … you bloody fool… ur eye go still open…

Ah I wish u can just spend one year out of your prison sentence in iddo prison for naija…. With four foot prisons filled with dirty yucky water… just one year…make all your leg peel first…. American still dey okay… na naija prison fit your kind..u bloody scallywag.

You are no Nigerian!

Do u know how hard getting a visa would be now..or what Nigerians will be subjected to at airports..do you?

Something like this? Or worse sef

They will have their hands so far down our asses…we wont know what hit us.. all because of YOU.

Pesin like me wey never take eye see obodoyinbo when I finally say make I go, e go come hard me…Wetin concern me, concern to go blow up plane.. I don chop belleful ni wey I go put bomb for my payint tlk sey I wan go blow up plane..blow up plane? Fun kini? 40 virgins in heaven..they can keep them!

wetin concern them Americans concern wether I put or not put explosives for payint? dem know me from adam.. na to subject me to the harrowing airport searches and scrutiny just because I am Nigerian!

Thunder fire you for there!

You’re a star u know, u have become very famous.. everybody knows u…not so lonely anymore right… wrong u fool.. u r known for all the wrong reasons. You are no Hero, your muslim counterparts have condemned your foolish acts, except the ones that are like you who would eventually meet the same fate as you.

Do you know what the new name for absolutely stupid spoilt idiot is…yes u got it right – Mutallab…

Mutallab can be used for anything that means
Stupid, spoilt, useless, dumb, suicide bomber, troublesome, someone who brings shame to others/his country ..name it..
No ones says ‘you are stupid anymore’ they just say ‘u be muttallab’
Why are u such a mutallabish child?
He pulled a mutallab!

You catch my drift? U bloody mutallab! no pun intended.

Of everything I feel for u I pity you the most.. I feel very sorry for you. Ur loneliness continues… too bad you had to mix with the wrong people, too bad you let them put radical ideas in ur head, too bad you decided to blow up a plane on xmas day, too bad the rest of the Nigerians have to suffer because of your stupid acts……its just too bad.smh

Oh yea about getting laid… am sure the kind folks in prison will be sure to sort u out.too bad!

RELATIONSHIP CONTRACT

2009-12-16T16:27:00.000-08:00

So there I was thinking…. Like I always do.. (When am I not thinking?)….so I was thinking what if, we could draw up contracts before we enter into a relationship..would it make things much easier…well I think so… both parties would deliberate on what they want in the relationship.. put it in writing and sign..boy wouldn't that be lovely- I think! Yeah the usual ingredients that make a relationship work will of course be there..that goes without saying..or should I say without being put down to paper..but what of those other little things...

RELATIONSHIP CONTRACT

I Laide west, (herefore refered to as the lady) being of sound mind and yada yada yada (pardon me I don’t quite have all the legal jargons down) have entered into a relationship with Kanye west (herefore refered to as the man)…by signing I hereby agree to all the rules in this contract.

1. Both parties will divulge information about
a) Past boyfriends/girlfriends
b) Any strange or weird habits e.g (chanting in the middle of the night, farting to the tune of a song, smelling of fart, braiding pubic hair)….etc
c) Financial status
d) Diseases
e) Religious beliefs or cult affiliations

2. The man should call the lady at least five times a day… for nothing less than 30minutes…he must say ‘I love you’ before he ends the call even if his friends are there and mean it too.

3. The lady must invest in sexy lingerie and nightwear... Torn up panties are a no-no, and those horrid looking hairnets should be burnt…no painting of her face wit nixoderm and tying of wrapper when she comes over.

4. The man must not rush foreplay… foreplay should last for 1 hour, after which he can now proceed to the main event…

5. Sexual positions should be limited what the lady can do, she isn’t a contortionist neither is she cirque du soleil performer so save those freaky moves you saw in that porno for another lifetime.

6. The lady must not nag!

7. The lady should always have the last word…to prevent her from nagging.
8. If the man forgets the lady’s birthday, anniversary, valentine’s day… all dates which are important to the lady …he will make it up to her by buying her something very expensive, nothing less than 30,000 naira (receipts should be provided for proof)

9. It’s the responsibility of the guy to pay for almost everything e.g movie tickets, grocery shopping, a bag, shoe, necklace, dress, shirt the lady wants, restaurant bill, sending the lady credit…the lady will also chip in when she can, the man Is not her father.

10. The lady must work out to keep her body in shape and looking as hot as when the man first met her, love handles will not be tolerated neither will double chins.. as this will serve as a breach of contract..

11. The lady must never! I repeat never! Disturb the man while he watches football, she must never interrupt his hangouts with his buddies too.

12. Sex occurs four times a week.. both parties should look at their schedule and figure out what days of the week works for them… except Sundays..even Jesus rested on the seventh day.

13. The man must not stare at the derriere or any other part of another female lustfully… if caught doing this…he will be punished severely…he must accompany the lady on all her girlie activities (as agonizing as it might be)… e.g going to the market, saloon, watching a chick flick, accompanying her to see a girlfriend, painting her nails)….for a whole month, relinquishing all football watching rights and buddie hangouts..

14. The lady must also ensure her armpits and other places are shaven..the man is allowed to look like a caveman.

15. The man will help the lady out in the kitchen, he will not sit his ass down, shouting orders from the sitting room.

16. What belongs to the man’s is also the lady’s.. what is the lady’s is exactly what it is - the lady’s.

17. Fights and arguments that ensue between both parties shouldn’t not be discussed with a third party.

18. Faking orgasms is encouraged, what can I say the man has got a big ego, such a big ego..you wouldn’t wanna deflate it now.would you?

19. The man is entitled to five or more acts of oral sex a week…but who’s counting?

20. In the event that the man pulls a ‘tiger wood’ …. Or the lady is caught cheating… both parties will go their separate ways… and in the future would not date friends, colleagues, family members of the other party.

21. In the event that the man or the lady wants out of the relationship… they should tender a three months notice. This will give the other party ample time to find a replacement.

RANT!!!

2009-12-11T14:24:00.000-08:00

I want to rant and I want to do it on my blog… right now I am hidden in a room in my house that no one would suspect I am in… why? U may ask…

So if you’ve been following my blog you know that our househelp of 16years decided to leave earlier this year, not long after we got another one- whats that his name again o!.. can u imagine I cant remember.. smh.. old age! Anyways lets call him determination…. Okay determination leaves weeks after, next up is tina fey… the diva and partime devil…. She was chased away… after her was Patience! Patience was God’s gift to us I tell yer, but last week her uncle came to get her….what a nice time for me to carry my big fat head home!
Since she left ive assumed the role of housegirl, everyday I wake up and I remember oh shit! Am the house girl…I put on my super house girl outfit… a pair of boxers and this black t-shirt I have….I sweep the whole house… see ehn my house is big so you can imagine what I go through every morning in an attempt to get the house clean, afterwards I wash plates… buy everything that we need to cook..and the annoying thing about my mum and dad is that they never think of everything they need to buy at once…so every 30 minutes you are going on an errand… seriously I am not caught out for this… pls spare me the ‘you are a girl crap’ …..
A funny thing happened today, so my dad said he wanted to cook efo, so I had to go and buy ‘shoko’ it’s a vegetable for efo… theres this mini-market like 10minutes from my crib so I get there and the woman selling the ‘shoko’ isn’t around…. But someone else was helping out… I tell the woman I need shoko and instead of the ram to bring it for me..she says I should go and take it.. there’s only one problem I don’t know which one is shoko….lol.. and I am too ashamed to say I don’t… lool.. what if I pick the wrong leaf now..does it mean I have to walk under this hot sun, endure my mother’s insults of how so-unlike-a-girl I am..just because don’t know ‘shoko’…so what do I do.. I see three different types of vegetable… I say a lil prayer and pick two.saying to myself one of them must be shoko…I hope so.even though I don’t need the other, to buy ogbono again na wahala… the dude was teling me his life history under hot sun…

Like seriously was I meant to be a girl… sometimes I don’t think so… I don’t like the kitchen, I don’t like house work…. I dnt know how to act with babies.. but I love lil kids… cute lil kids… I am more interested in being out there, making money, being busy… but I digress!

Today again pupcy was on my case telling me he knows all the work I am doing is hard for me cause its obvious I am not happy doing it..and he’s just looking at me and if he talks to me ill remember the day I was born…lol… I told him o! point blank that it is hard ooo!!
Hes like we are all useless(yeah right) cause growing up everything was done for us.. so we have become totally useless and yada yada yada… I just let the man talk… ok yes I grew up in a household where my clothes were being washed by washman, we had house keepers not helps ooh… keepers… they do a better job! I had my own personal driver… to sum it up I was spoilt… but I went to boarding school… and they showed me pepper…. And I was pounding shit in toilet 4 for three terms, mopping my room, sweeping, cleaning, washing my clothes doing things I have never done…and I learnt from there… I started entering buses… so I am growing…. so my dad can like to cut me some slack…I might not do the house work like the house girl would…cause er…I am not a housegirl..but at least I am trying.. and making my job easy would be appreciated..sheesh!

I have my project to type but noooo.. I have to go and pick the shoko in a few minutes, make eba …..wash plates… I don tire..i know I dey complain too much but really they need to get a new househelp a.s.a.p…… iv got stuff to do, ive got school to go to, got loads to sort out, my project… ive got meetings….ive got deadlines….

I just need a bloody break.

RANT OVER…back to SHOKO!

LIFE IS NOT HARD!

2009-12-06T00:35:00.000-08:00

In an attempt to get my writing mojo back, i made up my mind to put up a post everyday for as long i am at home and have access to the internet...

'Life is not hard'...this just means that i cant kill myself because of someone/something

Now its my favourite new term....i think in yoruba its 'AiYE O LE'

lately i have adopted an ' i cant shout' appraoch to most things, cause really I CANT SHOUT..i cant kill myself over issues that i can do nothing about....

if i love someone and the person doesnt love me in return...Life is not hard... i can like to respect my old age and creep walk out of the relationship....abi make i con die...no o! life ko hard ra ra ra..it will hurt ooh..but u cant force a person to love u.

if a friend is giving me too much stress, causing me too much wahala... doing the opposite of what a friend should do....life is not hard! u can like to ex me from ur life.

Gone are the days when someone will be crying over the fact that people are acting up...if someone is acting up...bye bye to rege rege.... i will not kill myself...no i will not..neither will i over stress myself with too much thinking...LIFE IS NOT HARD! WAKA COMOT.

Omo pikin don grow ooooh!!! i will not entertain any rubbish anymore in my life, no one will be begged to stay....bad friends will be done away with, negative people will be left behind....life is beautiful..and very short..i want to enjoy it to the fullest with people who want to be around me....who make me happy, who i make happy....

if i have one more semester to go....life is not hard! i will do it....

if u say u love me, but dont act like u do...life is not hard..someone who will love me in return will come around

if u say u are my friend...yet....u r the devil's incarnate..always discouraging, trying to get me down to make urself feel better... life is not hard o!!!

if u do not like me..... shey make i talk am again.. life no dey hard... ill live!

i am looking at a stress free 2010...make nobody take their blues come spoil my reggae...

This post is not directed to any particular person, because i know some people are now psychic and anything i talk about is about them....just so you know...it has nothing to do with anybody.

getting back my mojo.

2009-12-05T09:08:00.000-08:00

i am trying to rediscover my love for blogging/writing, there's no pressure, no trying to make anyone laugh or get comments..i am just doing this for me....u know it seems like alot of stuff around me just kept going wrong and i was just too caught up with my problems, they seemed to be choking me, consuming me....and i was allowing them to..plus with websites like facebook and twitter all vying for my attention its easy to get side tracked.

i miss blogging, i miss pouring out my feelings, gisting about whats going on around me, whats happening in my crib..my mumcy's wahala...(she doesnt seem to have much wahala anymore) and funny enough i miss that!

Life, well life's blaaah...but am alive who am i to complain...so am supposed to graduate this year..but i am not cause i deferred my 1st semester 200 level, which of course i have to do..ill do it, no wahala there....though i wish i was through with everything that had to do with school...but....hey...u know what they say 'if wishes were horses'...my school life's been frustrated by one problem or the other...but ill get there..its depressing and all..but really what can i do...be depressed about it or take it head on and get out of there...i choose the latter jare....my friend Yinka also deferred so we'll get eachother through it...

Loads of stuff going wrong but am just looking to God to make things right..and he never lets me down....

so once again laide olabode is single....lol like thats news...so the last relationship didnt work out...i promised him i wasnt gonna blog about it and i wont... i still havent found that great love of my life oooooh....not stressing about it sha... loves comes to those who wait...(there is a saying like that right?) or did i just make that up...mscheeew!!! ive met a couple of people ooooh but ehn... person needs to use sense nowadays before you jump into anything...

This year don end oooh, like seriously it feels like just yesterday it was january...its very weird oooh... i gata reflect on these years events oooh....my resolutions cant even remember em..oh yeah thats right i dont make resolutions i just resolve to be a better person that i was the previous year..and i think i was...learnt alot this year...and am so geared up for the new year..dunno why!!!

ill be doing this alot more nooow...i just need to start loving blogging again...i dont have a choice....

missed blogville...truly truly...hope yall welcome me back with open arms oooooh...

WHEN FACEBOOK CAUGHT ME IN BED WITH TWITTER.

2009-09-22T11:05:00.000-07:00

Facebook: whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat laide how could yu, hw cud u?

laide: *shocked* i..i....i am sorry

facebook: How could you and in our bed laide...how could u?

laide: there was no other place we could use.

facebook: and with him...with him..oh laide u break my heart,with him...

laide: facebook pls calm down pls...i..i...dont know what came over me

(laide moves to touch facebook)

facebook: Get away from me, u cheating bitch....and i loved you...didnt i love you
and you this bastard just lying there

(rushes towards twitter and rabs his neck while laide tries to seperate them)

facebook: let me kill that bastard....

laide: no please dont, dont! i love him too!!

facebook and twitter: you what?(both say)

laide: i love you twitter, i know its only been a month, but i love you, am addicted to you, i wake up and i think of you, before i sleep u are on my mind...but facebook i still love you, but i just got tired.

facebook: tired of what? didnt i give you everything u wanted..

laide: you did, but u were just too complicated, u talked too much, asked too many questions what sexualposition do i like? what inanimate object will i be in a afterlife,what percentage is my swagger? are you smarter than a kolanut, what perfume will my mess smell like...i mean just too many...too many long things with you, i got really tired.

facebook: but..but... i tot u loved it.

laide: at first i did,but the events oh my gawd..they drove me crazy....how many events can a human being attend...so many of your friends wanting to hug me, do all sorts to me..i am not into that mahn!twitter..well he is less complicated...so simple...so smooth..doesnt talk alot 140 characters per speech...listens to me...i mean thats what every girl needs..

facebook: you bastard! (to twitter)

twitter: you had her for a while, now its my turn to possess this beautiful body and worship it.

laide: I love it when you talk like that baby.

twitter: RT: I love it when you talk like that baby * i love you *

laide: awww!!! muah muah muah

facebook: the both of you deserve each other...u both disgust me.

laide: facebook i know u hate me, but i still love u...u just weren't giving me all that i needed

4rm the relationship..

facebook: wasnt the sex good?

laide: it was but twitsex was more exciting!!! he paid attention to my needs and got me tweeting all nite long!!!

facebook: (trying hard not to cry) i gave u everything, every fucking thing..i put ur name in the lights...i gave u a platform to showcase ur self, ur talent to the world, got u so many friends.....and this is the thanks i get?

laide: (crying) i feel horrible, i feel like the meanest bitch that ever lived and truly i love you...and i still want to be with you..but m confused...

facebook: i can laide! i can....i can be all you want me to be..you dont have to downgrade to this glorified facebook status.

twitter: Downgrade!!! i am most definately an upgrade from u!

facebook: Shut up! before i put my foot up ur birdy ass! you know i can.i know people in the mafia.

twitter: oooooooh am so scared...big mr facebook is gonna come after me..ooooh am peeing in my pants..

facebook: oh my god you left me for this...for this gay fish..i am the best you've ever had and...

twitter: I'm sorry to interrupt and immaletufinish but myspace was the best she ever had...

(facebook punches twitter)

laide: stop please...stop!

facebook: you know what i dont need this you need to choose now...i am not gonna be like that fool..whatshisface hi5 yeah, that confused fellow u just left hanging after u used him for all those years..whats it gonna be...are u in or r u out?

twitter: you were with hi5? sheeeeeet! baby yu get around...friendster too?

(i nod)

twitter: oh my! you didnt tell me all this..i only know about myspace..are there others?

laide: yes.

twitter: Gaddemit! hope u dont gat no SNHTD'S ..social network hopping transmitted disease..

facebook: Look i still want you, u and me baby we perfect together..u the best i ever had baby.the best...and i dont want to lose you to this gay fish..

twitter: bird

facebook: whatever..u still gay!

twitter: *sticks out tongue*

facebook:so whats it gonna be laide..u with me?

laide: am confused, i love the both of you..

twitter: you gata choose baby...u gata!

laide:i cant...i cant..if i cant have you both then ama just leave...i gave someone real special

for both of u....i just hope he'll take me back...

facebook: baby dont do this...pls..we can still kick it..u dont have to go..'

twitter: wait! there's somebody else? i been twitsexing with some social network whore...

(gbese! another punch on twitter's face)

twitter: what the fuck is wrong with u? y r u so violent?

facebook: you callin my girl a whore..u bastard!

twitter: shes about to leave both of us for someone else you fool...

facebook: is that true...are u really gonna break my heart?

laide: am sorry facebook...i cant make a decision...

facebook: so who is this bloke..telll me i want to know...

his name is blogger!

twitter: fuck it! my cousin!

wo! i no get title jare!

2009-09-13T09:43:00.000-07:00

TWHORE- Twitter whore

Okay when I first joined twitter it was blaaah, didn’t understand it..didnt see the purpose thought it was just a ‘glorified facebook status’…but now…am addicted like whoa! I shud really make one of my shirts for myself…’TWITTER ADDICTS ANONYMOUS’

Follow me on twitter- www.twitter.com/exschoolnerd

Oh yeah that’s another thing..ive been wanting to go into t-shirt designing for as long as I can remember..one of the many ways for c’est moi to express my creativity ..and this bloody asuu strike allowed me make it happen….i started working with someone already in the biz recently….but I seriously need to get my own line off the ground….here’s some stuff we did..

but thats his own line neways not mine...

I think the reason why I don’t like blogging as much is cause I am not anonymous..wanna talk about somethings but I cant because I don’t wanna cause wahala abeg! But I need to get them out of my system….arrrrgggh!

I am almost through with my project so am giddy with joy, that thing really stressed me out…man pikin don tire….it has kept me in school for the most part of the strike…which I don’t even mind sef because if I dey house now na to turn pesin into ‘it’s a pot….it’s a spoon… it’s a fork…no its super housegirl” and I am not even down for any house work till I marry…ahan what is it?

Of which is it so hard to get good help these days….remember that our househelp Innocent abi na determination the one that left because his scoin scoin no get part 2…dem employ you as houseboy u talk sey u wan dey drive oga go work..shey na oscar and the friendly ghosts go help u dey wash plates for kitchen or cook the food while ur ass is ‘driving oga to work’
Then we hired ‘Tina’ or ‘Tina ‘THE DIVA’ Fey as I call her, .chei that girl showed us STRONG THING..not the Banky W’s kinda strong thing o….some evil ass murrafucka this girl was…dirty sumbody like this…rude, chic used to mouth off to me, mumcy my bros n pupcy sef…..had so much wahala.to the point that she caused a fight on our street and someone almost died…..i think she thought she was on vacation in our house…u send a human being to buy bread make the person spend 3 good hours and then come back and still not buy it, the day I knew she had to go was the day my father walked in on her putting salt in her ‘v-jay jay’…and dipping her hand pack into the salt container….the poor man…he had to see such a sight….smh!!! with immediate alacrity dey sent her divalicious ass away….and brought in Patience!

Now Patience..so far so good…but this one that her fone is ringing every five seconds…may she not pour hot oil for leg one of these days...and she’ll smile sheepishly to me “na my brother o!” who ask u? guilty conscience….which kain brother be dat..my brother has not called me more than 10 times this year..and that nigga loves me..i think! na only u get brother? Wey e go dey call u dey text u every five minutes…one day she left her fone in the kitchen and I sharply went thru her text msgs and found the truth ..saw msgs from… ”sweetheart, my love, my yori yori” …brother indeed…. ….anyways her scoin scoin is on the minimal so its still okay now!!..if not we go just hold’ Olabode’s Next Top Housegirl’ till we find one who can be tolerated because all this wahala is too much and seriously am always gunning for a good househelp…cause if not..they will just bring me in as replacement..and biko nu….i cant!

Shey person no go go marry like this ,because its like this asuu strike no get part 2, make pesin kuku marry drop like two children sharply and hurry back and go finish up because I don’t like all this rubbish…like really….an idle mind is really the devil’s workshop…”thou must not go back to school looking like yokozuna” so am doing everything to keep myself busy..everything but exercise…am exercising my fingers at least on twitter!

Ill be back!

2009-08-27T10:49:00.000-07:00

For those who still care AM STILL ALIVE O! yes oh i never kpai o! and i will be updating my blog very soon...yelz alot has happened..too mush even...where do i start dont worry ill be back to knack yall the tory..missed all of yall loads..missed doing my blog rounds...ta ta!

Interviewing a dead M.J

2009-07-21T05:23:00.000-07:00

Laide: Er..M.J, I can call u M.J right?

M.J: Sure u can

Laide: so hows the afterlife?

M.J: hee hee! quite good actually, quite peaceful...can hear myself think,no one's tryna sue me, no tabloids placing bets on when my nose will cave in..feels like heaven

Laide: am actually happy to hear that cause, cause I am like a big fan not just one of them kiss ass fans.

M.J: hee hee! yeah cause if u r, u can just beat it! Beat it! Beat it beat it!

Laide: ok ok I get it no need to break into sing song.

M.j hee! Hee! Sorry I do that a lot.

Laide: I understand. So how do u feel about all the love you have received following your death?

M.J: hee! Hee! Gosh am truly overwhelmed, never felt so much genuine love, I mean am “speechless! Speechless! That’s how it makes me feel”

(I give him the side eye)

M.J: Am sorry no more breaking into sing song, I promise.

Laide: yeah and cut the hee hee! Out, we all know it was ur trademark scream

M.J: my bad! But its not exactly a trademark scream..that’s just me sneezing..

Laide(laughs) come of it…but u do it in all ur songs..

M.J: Yeah well I always have a cold, I don’t know why, so we just decided to include it in my songs.. it got tiring having to retake a shot like 10 times cause I couldn’t stop saying hee hee! plus it kinda sounded catchy..

Laide: Who would have thought..ok back to my questions.the world is mourning you, mourning the loss of a great entertainer, the greatest the world has ever seen.You saw the farewell service at staples centre in L.A right? How did it make you feel all those people gathering in your memory,your family, friends,colleagues,the whole world watching and mourning.

M.J: Happy..truly happy and grateful for all the love.

Laide: I am glad.I cried you know, when Paris spoke,she’s such a wonderful girl.

M.J: Aww! That just broke my heart, I miss my baby girl, I miss my kids.(cries for a couple of minutes and gathers himself afterwards)

Laide: so what do you miss the most of being alive?

M.J : Facebook. Lol.. jus kiddin…my kids, my family and my fans, the people that loved me and wished me well not the crazy ones that commit suicide cause of me.

Laide: yeah I was just about to go into that, what are your thoughts on that?

M.J: I am flattered by the fans I have all over the world but that’s just taking it to the extreme, I be their papa?

Laide: (shocked) did you just speak pidgin?

M.j: Am dead remember, I can do anything.

Laide: can you speak Yoruba?

M.J: yels

Laide:hahaha!!! Fucking unbelieveable..pardon my French.

M.J: jo o se won le sin mi si atan cemetery?

Laide: hahahahaha….this is getting interesting…abi se e le jo alanta? Hahaha!

M.J: I am dead, I can do anything dear.

Laide: so are you really dead? Are you sure u and ashton kutcher aint planning the greatest PUNKED ever? You know on the internet there are claims that you are somewhere on the caymen islands sipping magaritas , they say you faked your death just to get away from the spotligh so you could finally be able to live a normal life.

M.J: you are right that would have been the greatest punked ever, and the stuff about me being on the caymen islands is just a load of crap, do people really believe all the nonsense they make up.I am not on the caymen islands ,common! If I wanted to fake my death I’d do better than that. come on! I am M.J for crissakes.

Laide: how did you cope with all the insane things the tabloids said about you?

M.J: I didn’t cope, why do you think I did all the crazy things I did.they said hurtful things, I know I am weird and all but sheesh the things these people come up with.

Laide: Yeah, I know, I once read that you kept midget sex slaves in neverland.

M.J: you see what I mean, I mean am not perfect but midget sex slaves!!! Hells no!!! not that I have anything against midget sex slaves. Mi o man se n kan be…

Laide: Am still trying to come to grips with your speaking yourba, freaking me out!

M.J: so what’s your favourite Michael Jackson song?

Laide: oooh turning the tables are you? Well let me see.i know I watched ‘smooth criminal’ like over a hundred times and always wondered how u did that moved where u leaned forward so low, trying to see if u were attached to strings.I love your videos because they were like mini-movies. “Do you remember” was also another favourite, “Black and White: and who didn’t love “Heal the world” but my all time favourite was BAD.
“You know am bad! Am bad! You know it am bad! And the whole world has to
answer right now just to tell you once again,who's bad . .”

M.J : laide o! laff won kill me die…now who’s breaking into sing song and tryna burst M.J moves…pls sit down before you hurt yourself….wait I got one…”Jo o se laide le jo bi Michael Jackson”

Laide: you got jokes, u really are fun to talk to, who would have known.

M.J : shey? U probably imagined my face melting,nose probably falling off, my cheeks caving in, my lips all shriveled up..i get that all the time.

Laide: (laughs) No! ahan! But it would be nice to see that happen..jus kiddin

M.J: before nko, o ni fe te!

Laide: ha ha! So back to my questions…your children, you loved them a whole lot.if you could give them any advice what would it be?

M.J: Have a childhood and don’t try to grow up too quickly, surround yourselves with people love and care about you enough to always tell you the truth no matter who you are, always keep your head when everyone around you is losing theirs..oh yeah and remember family is number one”

Laide: that’s good advice M.J, really good advice

M.J: I do have a brain contrary to public opinion.i notced there are certain issues you haven’t rasied up in this interview, why ? I mean this is ur once in a lifetime opportunity to interview me, a dead me that is.

Laide: well M.J sometimes its better to leave certain issues alone, these issues have been flogged and beaten and talked about…you are dead! You were the king of pop, loved by many, a great entertainer but your life wasn’t exactly easy peasy..u made mistakes, people said and did hurtful things,u also did some questionable things but for crissakes..you are dead! I can at least spare you the same ol crap.

M.J: you know this is probably like the best inerview

Laide: ever?

M.J: not ever since I died. TMZ has already been here.

Laide: those guys how do they do it.

M.J: but I enjoyed yours better.

Laide: that means a lot to me M.J, it was wonderful talking to you.

M.J: who did you say you worked for again?

Laide: Sound city’s BLAST MAGAZINE, one of the best magazines in Nigeria…quality articles, creative interviews and great events coverage,we give you the dibs on the latest fashion,music,art in a way you’ve never experienced.

M.J: cool down na! U go fear advertisement…but u are good and they are lucky to have you.

Laide: you knooow, I tell them everytime..(laughs) Sorry for the shameless plug.This is wonderful M.J, a dream come true..thanks again.

M.J: no thank you, and I lied this was my best interview ever.

Laide: (moved to tears) Thanks M.J wish you all the best in you afterlife affairs…you rock my world.Goodbye!

M.J: Laide! Wait!

Laide: yes!

MJ: Wanna see me dance alanta?

Thoughts in my head since i last blogged.

2009-07-13T03:37:00.000-07:00

first of all i have missed blogville and its inhabitants....so so much....and i want to thank everyone who left a comment on my last post...thnk u very much, ur words are the reason why i am back...and hopefully wont leave like that anymore.

Gosh its been a while…cant believe I haven’t written anything in like forever, well except the article I wrote a few days back…my imaginary interview with the dead Michael Jackson...for my column in Sound City’s Blast magazine…it just came to me, cause i had no idea what to write…but under an hour I had it all done and was quite pleased with myself..slowly but surely I am climbing out of the pit that is writer’s block.

Schools on strike, but am in school…home is blaaah…quite annoying actually…ever since my bro got a girlfriend that I think he’s actually into…we don’t really talk….he used to inspire most of my write-up’s..he’s like the funniest person I know..u think am funny u should meet my brother…my dad’s acting up not talking to anybody so we don’t yarn except good morning and all..mumcy is still her ever screaming-dramatic self and I cant shout I tell u…so I pretty much avoid her at all times, my other brother is in another state…and our house girl Tina…frankly I just want to strangle her anytime I see her…so u pretty much know how I feel about her …and rooney..well he just barks all day and annoys the hell out of me and sometimes I just wanna go out and give him a good smacking and then I remember he’s a mutt and I don’t want to be featured on the next episode of “when good animals go bad” did I mention I cant shout?…plus Nepa hasn’t changed their shitty ways ..and DSTV is sorta blaah nowadays..internet connection’s expired cause no one is home…home is like my favorite place to be… but it is sort of not it for me right now…so I had to go back to school..not like school’s any better but id rather be there right now than home…

The bad thing about being in school during a strike is that you spend money like a dunce…I mean boredom does strange things to your pocket…….i mean its not my fault…I mean those accessories where to die for…they were calling my name…they were tormenting me day and night…screaming Laide! Laide! Buy me u accessories addict you! I mean those poor lonely accessories I couldn’t leave them without a home..and I really needed those bell bottom jeans cause I loved the last one I had but I tore it when I was trying to scale our fence (long story)…and that top and those leggings I’ve been dying to get and a gurl can never have too many undies now, can she?...how could I say no…the fact that theirs a bloody tradefair in my school everyday for the past four weeks isn’t helping matters..
Theres also the matter of watching movies...i know I shouldn’t watch too many movies at the cinema but boredom…I tell u..it makes u do crazy things you shouldn’t…like watch 1or 2 movies per week…makes you buy credit to browse on your fone, and call all your horny boy ‘friends’ at 8:00am in the morning and play funny moaning sounds for them over the phone and have a good laugh with your roommates at their reaction..makes you show your roommate the purple glittery vibrator your friend bought for you recently and watch them freak out as you chase them with it…makes you gossip about the girls in A block who always have somewhere to go every friggin day, and their scandalous outfits and ashawo heels…not that they are ashawo’s just aristo girls…but whats the difference? Makes you spend money stupidly at café’s just so you could feed your facebook addiction…..

For the past three weeks since the strike started I have eaten nothing but indomie and egg and bread and butter..occasionally when I just want to have something different maybe garri and suya…and maybe once in a blue moon rice and stew,beans and bread, bread and acara or maybe spaghetti….gosh I swear I must have eaten like 500,000 naira worth of indomie since I entered the university of Lagos..Now spare me the lectures…”u r a gurl cant u go to the market,,,balderdash’….u no hear sey money no dey..transport to market like 150, to cook small stew sef you go spend like 600..plus meat o…because I no fit eat food wey no get meat…and other ingredients..…stew wey go finish when you and roommates pounce on am….who get 600 naira to dey spend every two two days… but if you buy two indomies 70 bucks, 1 egg 30 bucks and maybe sardine/cornbeef….u r home and dry plus it doesn’t take long to cook…..thats the lure of indomie so no matter how tired I am of it…it’s the only thing I can eat right now except I go into campus…and that’s just long thing…the day we ate bread and beans ehn….it was a wonderful day..omowale ‘hipsdontlie’ lawal God bless you for cooking that treat…as in finally something different..and beans again..my favourite food…one morning when hunger dey fire us….we ran to one of my roomies house wey far like that….we never even baff o! ok I had my bath but they didn’t(smelling girls)...just to eat morrin food….na so the hunger they do us….the way we pounce on the bread and stew at her crib ehn her mother was shocked and gave us enough food stuffs to take back…na im my roommates come dey form o..because one carry cooler and the other one carry food stuffs inside bagco super sack I con dey tasi dem for bus sey…pls how much is your meat? and shey u don dey sell cement..can u imagine dese crase girls won drop food sey dem no carry again..sey shame dey cash dem…in dis critical no food/money having time…if I dash both of una blow…I sha help am carry the small cooler..u know sey me I no dey kuku send anybody mama.whish one consain me wit if fine boy c me dey carry cooler…e no go better for fine boi…

To entertain myself I listen to the gists from my roomies..now me and another roomie are the oldest in my room..the rest are in their teens, and you know teenagers and bois…so its nice to listen to them coo and gush at being toasted..us old mama’s that have been there, done that, gotten the t-shirt and probably have some experience just look and smile…and remember when we were so young and naïve and had butterflies in our tummies….ah! the good ol days..till some degenerate scumbag came along and dashed our romantic dreams….not that it might play out the same way for them..but its just fun listening to their gists of who toasted them…and insulting the different boys/men that approach them…some men no get shame sha…dey chase small small gurls and these gurls are actually good/nice girls from good homes but they r not mugu’s, they have these men buying them stuff…these set of like five teens are also caught up with fine boys..they have caught the fine-boys bug….we all loved fine boys till we found out there’s more to it than looks but they are getting there and I am trying my best to lead them in the right path, not that I know the way myself..but I dey try small…try to keep them perverts *coughs* qube the wordsmith *coughs* chiago*coughs* with their grubby hands away from them…lol..

A lot has happened with me and my boyfriend, but I guess it makes the relationship stronger…a lot of mistakes..there have been some bumps here and there and alot of other stuff…but it happens..the real test is getting over it and moving on….alot of people say stuff about the relationship, they act like they know what’s best for you, but i know what i want and why I am in it so they don’t really matter..

Michael Jaskin…lol..like me n my roomies call him..that was sad…really sad….i was a fan…listened to him growing up, he was weird and all…but I didn’t mind that….just hope he has found the peace that has long eluded him…

I am tired.

2009-05-24T01:39:00.000-07:00

Dictionary: leth·ar·gy (lĕth'ər-jē)

1.A state of sluggishness, inactivity, and apathy.
2.A state of unconsciousness resembling deep sleep.

Even as i type this i dont want to, i just want to sit and do nothing,worry about nothing,want nothing...

now the first definition totally sums up the way ive been feeling for a while now.I dont want to do ANYTHING.

how can i not want to write? for God sakes how can i not want to do the thing that gives me so much joy? that makes me forget all my problems? how can i not want to do that...how can i not want to update my blog? want to quit blogging? i told myself id still be blogging 20 years from now..thats how much i love writing,expressing myself,its been 6 years since i started..but updating my blog lately seems like such a chore...its used to be fun, it used to be the only thing i looked forward to..now i update once every two weeks...i remember when people used to tell me i updated my blog too much..now i feel like i can't even be bothered and i hate feeling like this.

I write for a popular magazine and i am supposed to send in two articles..but nothing comes to mind..nothing!

I have alot of projects in the works but i have lost the will to set things in motion, i dont know if its cause i am afraid i will fail woefully...that i dont even want to try...that i keep putting it off...

i just dont want to do anything anymore...i dont know whats happening to me.

i pick silly fights with my sweetrat! I think i am trying to sabotage myself..i am trying to spoil a good thing slowly...

i just find that i am moody...like i feel like i cant go on anymore..i guess life isnt finally taking its toll on me..wearing me down...i am tired.

Thoughts in my head before and during a class…

2009-05-19T05:39:00.000-07:00

Hate the fact that I have to wake up by 6:30 every friggin day so annoying,didnt sleep till like 4:30...was doin i love u talk ur own with sweetrat!…i need to boil water, shet! No kerosense…I cant fit to bath with that cold water…I swear I cant..abi I go just do rub and shine go class ni yen! Hol mai side through out the day make pesin no go misyarn sey I dey smell…gosh id feel terribly uncomfortable…but that cold water….noooooo!!!! which kain Monday morning dilemma be this nau..lemme gaan beg Mr Kunle to put on the gen for 5 minutes.

Gen’s on…gata boil water sharply! Hace hace! Don’t try that ruff play will u put that kettle down do u know what I had to do to get Mr. Kunle to put on the gen? stop that!...ok nothing dirty…I jus promised to buy a bag of water from him…is it beans!

Ooooooh this is what I hate, when I plan to wear something and then in the morning it just looks so wrong…these flared pants make me look lik pesin wey get elephantiasis and that bish justina says it makes me look like I have a dick, now I have to look for something else to wear…I hate this I swear…its 7:20…to think I woke up by 6:30…

Finally decide on something to wear, grab my bag and start stuffing it phones, ipod..money..wat am I forgetting, oh yeah lip gloss, hair brush…wat else…my hanky….eh I think m forgetting something…biros? Mirror? ……boooooks…ode oshi..u forget ur notes!!! Please don’t blame me jare…a girl has got a lot on her mind…like which ring to wear today.

Ok am leaving now…7:35..ill just fly bike..would be in school in no time..wer r all those bloody okada riders wen u need them…

Okada!...shit! hausa dude!

Erm..Unilag gate

Okada rider: 150

Me: ur head like 150,u no talk 250? For gate for here…wey be 40 naira…u know the place wey I dey talk about sef

Okada rider: okay pay 120

Me: con carry yourself comot jare! Oloshi…no be only 120….

Abeg lemme walk to the junction jare and get a bike!

Yeeeeeeeee!!! What is this again….my slippers has cut…I so so so hate this…what to do! What to do..this is so so embarrassing…and its because of the multitude of people that wear it with me oh..i know what ill be doing now..when I put padlock on my slippers yesterday they said ive come again…as silly as it looks…it stops anyone from wearing it…need to reach that shoemaker at the junction…hw I go tk walk now…abeg jare! Make I vex hol the slippers and waka barefoot…after I dress fine finish…shet! This is not a good day for omo girl..but I understand God does things like this to humble us beautiful people..u know..embarass us a lil and bring us down to earth…lol…I must look a sight..who cares anyways!

I wonder what people would think if I just stretched out my hands and just started shouting ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh on this okada….i really want to do it…I mean the wind is blowing in my hair….feels like I got no worries..i just want to shout…but mehn this na naija o! okada man sef go take hin helmet knack my head.

Gosh and I thought I was early…class is for 8:00 and its 7:50 and its this full…some people sha…abi dem wan help sweep the hall..mcheeew!!

Gata get a seat, gata get a seat….and a table too…and a seat for that ram dey call yinka dat can’t be on time to save her life…I tire for that girl I swear..

Lecturer’s not around yet…listening to my ipod…early momo like dis pesin dey listen to ‘doing it’…na so d think dey hook me..talking about things hooking me..lemme text mai sweetrat!!! I remember our rhyming/freestling battle with text messages yesterday..lol..and I murdered his ass..i can remember one of my lines ‘I am fresher than a baby’s bombom’ lol!! And then he said something about lyrically clearing up my mouth like tomtom…lol…twas fun! Lemme ask the bugger what he’s doing..probably staring at my picture and wanking..lol..…probably in class…and hating it just like I am right now…miss him so much..ud think he was in far away obodoyibo oh…bt still d distance is killing..cant wait for may 31st!

Yinka’s still not around…oh no! he’s coming this way…our eyes met…no pls..dont come..this bombastic element of an ex-friend ive been trying to avoid..the boy is so annoying…u know when sum1 feels like he’s the coolest thing since (whats cool now) and he is most definitely not…pls don’t bring your yellow-pawpawrized self here jare…with ur ‘I Love New York’ shirt and go-slow bones! Ooooooh he’s coming. Oh my and what in the jerry curled mess is that on his head?

Laide baby!!! Was popping chic?

Segun how far?

We need to yarn ooh!! As in am doing big things now…I need to see you.

*acts bored*

Ok!

Laide baby! ….quit calling me that fucktard!

Laide baby! ..doesnt this mumu have anything to say but that!

Laide baby! Apparently not!

Akward silence…

I really have nothing to talk to him about..he has obviously forgotten what he did…

Thank God! Yinka’s around…

Says hi to Yinka!

Yinka doesn’t answer….hehehehe….

Okay laide baby! Ama ri ra!

Ok ok!!!

See as this one dey greet pesin..abeg put ur hand down..u must be foolish did I beg u to greet me..if u cant greet me like a normal pesin..dont greet me again…they greet me like pesin like sey I get leprosy..am tired of these unilag people..this pesin dt lives near my street..wan con form for me for here…next time…

Oh my days…only in unilag will u see scary ass hair styles like dis one….i am so tempted to go over and pound her weavon in place…looks like the middle of her head has a hard on..it rises like a mountain..its the strangest thing..ever…I am so itching to go and press it down! Mirror! That’s what most girls need in this school…a friggin mirror that speaks the truth…we’ll have less ojuju calabar’s parading themselves as bigz girl..nonesense and rubbish…..pesin go take eye pencil draw eyebrow wey reach the end of im ear..i mean..gosh!!!...lol…see the kain scary ass shit I gata deal with on the daily…and her friend is gisting with her and cant tell her o!

My note is not complete o! this dude’s note looks like it might be..lemme ask him..he’s talking to some chic…

Excuse me! I say sorry to the chic.. Pls can I borrow ur 402 note ?

Come again!

Ur note! Ur note! Before u start to dey look like ajamilokpa!

…can I pls copy ur note before the lecturer comes.

Thnx!

shuooo shebi I said sorry wen I interrupted him and this heffer’s conversation why she con dey eye me..na ur boyfriend..dont worry I am not interested..even if u dash me..i no go collect..so save your eye rolling for sum1 else!

Lecturer is finally around and blabbing bout why she’s late!

Dreaming, thinking, fantasizing of you, I cant stop thinking of u even as I sit in class, I cant even comprehend what the lecturer is yakking about..all I can think of is ur chocolate coloured skin….i can taste you in my mouth already…I long for you, for your taste, to feel you in my mouth…as u slowly enter inside me, I have craved you for many days, many nites and I just found out where u are,,I cant hold myself any longer..i need to have you..need you to fill me up…make me satisfied…satisy my hunger for u….oh dear ewa agoyin and bread….i cant wait for this class to be over so I can eat u up…

Fun weekend!!! and a main squeeze.

2009-05-02T06:11:00.000-07:00

Whoa I cant believe it, haven’t been here in over two weeks, how did that happen? And nobody bothered to check on me..am hurt! But ill be fine…a lot has gone down o!
Okay were do I start 4rm….am back to school..which isn’t exactly a good thing cause I have 8:0am lectures from Monday to Thursday!!! Only good thing is ill be bringing u more ‘thoughts in my head during a lecture posts’….also got my project to think about and spent a week in the library doing research..longest time ive spent in the library I tell u, usually I don’t like reading in the library..too quiet for my liking.

Last weekend was fun and at the same time crazy….went with friends to TAKWA BAY..in the past I swore off that place cause of the boat ride, and my phobia for water.. but I don’t know why I changed my mind and decided to go. It was mad fun,I tell you…the boat ride was kinda scary though…and I was pleading the blood of Jesus all through, but we got their safely and the fun began..couple of bloggers were dere o!! Wells, FBA, Rayo…M.I made it this time..hehehe QUBE..too bad u couldn’t come this time, I know how badly u wanted to meet him…but M.I is short o!!!! There was dancing, there was eating and drinking, bumping and grinding *coughs* Wells *coughs*…..yes o! Wells was grinding like there was no 2mrw..lol…I told wells he cudnt carry me…but the dude carried a whole me…heavier than a bag of rice and wanted to dump me in the water…I was friggin scared ehn…

And yeah I wore shorts..lol…ive never worn shorts in public..lol..i don’t know why..i always thought I had horrible legs…my brothers used to tease me that I had chicken legs..and in ss3 I once cried because of my yams..lol..…but I looked pretty nice..if I do say so myself..well u judge….

After changing at city mall!!

At the beach!

Took my roomies and my friends along…we all had a blast I tell u!

On our way back two boats capsized, people fell into the water and had to be rescued..by then me and the rest of the people on my boat were safely on shore by then..i swear it was some scary shit…cause my friends were still on their way and other people we went with and I was so scared for them but thank God nobody died…so yeah am definitely not going to Takwa Bay ..i shouldn’t have gone in the first place, it was a stupid thing to do..specially with the kind of boats that were used….really really stupid..and ive been having nightmares about it and so are all my friends..i really sat down to think about it recently..lots of what if’s in my head…what if it was in the middle of nowhere and not close to shore their boat capsized..what if what if…what if I was the one…gosh! Well it has happened it has happened..lesson learnt…Takwa Bay is a lovely place if u have a nice boat to take you there!

Yeah so enough fun last weekend….i told u a lot has happened right…so yeah um…well..u know..its like..but..sha..ok ok I met somebody! Ok well , am about to say those four words I don’t really like saying ‘I HAVE A BOYFRIEND’…why don’t I like saying it..because living with girls and all…you find people who carry their relationship status on their head like a title… Moji Bamgboye , Girlfriend of so so and so….they make it seem like the beginning and the end of everything….so I was always put off from saying it…anyways heres how it happened..one of those days on facebook I was down in the dumps..put up some status message..we started chatting and I found out that he was easy to talk to, we had a lot in common and the sexiest part of all..he was intelligent and he reads…anyways at first we were just friends…like really close friends…like friends that send each other 400 text msgs in like 5 weeks….but seriously just friends..had no feelings whatsoever for him and he was also complaining about some chic that broke his heart and how he wasn’t ready for anything.
Plus when we met he wasn’t really my type , mainly cause I was taller n bigger than him and that usually poses a problem for guys (insecure ones) if I might add.. but day by day we became closer and closer and all that seemed unimportant…he was always there to provide a shoulder to lean on an ear to bend….lol..he once listened to me crying for like 2 hours over the phone…but he never complained, he always listened, always cared….and like every one predicted…feelings started developing (isn’t it possible for a guy and girl to be just friends? mcheeeeeeeeeeeeeeew!!!) so I was doing the whole celeb denial thing ‘we are just friends, nothing more and then some months later they are kissing on the beach…no we didn’t kiss on d beach o!...i don’t do PDA..even though he does.

Anyhow anyhow long story short..i liked him but didn’t tell him cause I didn’t want our friendship to be strained just incase he didn’t feel the same way..though he had been giving me hints that he liked me…but I didn’t want to jump the gun jare..ova sabi has never been my forte..so I just chilled and one day it all came out and he confessed that he’s been dying to tell me but didn’t know how id take it..and bla bla bla..we both lived happily ever after…lol

Anways I can say it feels heavenly being dotted on, like I never liked guys who like me..never ever…I don’t know why..jus turned me off..its usually the jerk off’s I like(and I don’t mean all d guys iv gone out with are jerk offs o!) but usually the ones I really really like treat me like horridly…so much so that I got used to being treated badly that I didnt think anything better existed..silly me!

So being held, acting all googly eyed and lovey-dovey…lol…its new to me..and am trying to get used to it…to someone saying am beautiful, I deserve better than I have gotten and gbo gbo e… I put up this status on facebook a while back.

“They made me believe I was ugly for so long that when he told me I was beautiful I thought he was the liar”

Well they lied.

They lied.

no title o!

2009-04-19T06:10:00.000-07:00

Whoa! I haven’t been here in a while.

Thanks for the birthday wishes everyone..i really appreciate it..yall r far far too nice..make a gurl blush like a fool..thanks a lot..ur messages were part of what made my day.

So my bday has come and gone, I was determined to have as much fun as I could..as I did…but the day hectic gaan.

In the morning I was SUPER HOUSEGIRL..washing plates at the speed of light, sweeping faster than a speeding bullet….it wasn’t funny..after I prepared breakfast and lunch my fairy God mother came down turned me into something fabulous and was like off u go with ur foine self...and i was on my way too have some fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun!!!

First stop the bank…to cash a cheque…but when I see the queue for bank wey reach door…as in there must have been like 40 people before me…I ran out…and took a bike to anoda branch…same thing dere…I think dey hv some problems n people cudnt use the atm to withdraw..anyways the bank was also full bt not like d oda one..took an hour to cash the cheque..walking back to my get a bike to my hostel.i hear laide! Laide! I see some dudes in a car..and m like.. who be these ones! Cause I didn’t recognize them..neways they start shouting..laide! laide facebook!..lol..and I sha wave to them..

I meet them again in the front and dey r like we just checked facebook and its ur birthday…my name is ……… and I remember I actually know him, we yarn on facebook..they give me a ride to mai hostel.

Anyways buy some stuff for me roomies and then I treat justina, layo and chiago to a movie at ozone!!!

The only watchable movies were ‘marley and me’ and 12 rounds..and we decide to watch 12rounds…big friggn mistake..but neways I had a good time, we took pictures!! Justina and I acted a fool big time..taking crazy pics…like people were staring laik ds chics r definitely lesbians…hehehe..jus wnted to gv em sumthing to talk about.

You know I complained the last time I went to that bloody ozone…bout some chics dt just cudnt shut up..there was this one chic dat was worse…lol..as in..i cant even explain how retarded she was..if uv read my story ‘biliki goes to sliverbird’ that would help u picture how she was actin..every friggin minute this girl was shouting making a comment, laughing when it wasn’t funny, forming scared when na action movie we dey watch, asking silly questions..making foolish comments…up to the point wey mai friend talk shut up! And then another one of my friends-Godwin actually told her ‘excuse me you are disturbing us here’ that was when she actually shut up..and that was when the movie was almost ending….frigging annoying I tell u!

I had so much fun that day, hanging out with mai friends was just the best! Thnks yall for making my day and those who called, texted, facebook msgs, wall posts, blogville love..thanks a lot.
So uncle innocent is gone…lasted for only two weeks..he caused it anyways ..so goodbye fine-boy no blemish innocent

Helloooooo tina!

Or tina fey! Like my brother calls her lol.

She comes scoin scionlified too o! but better than innocent..her own quanta is dat she can watch tv…and the sad thing is u can see the tv from the kitchen so she has burnt soup twice cause she was watching tv.have u ever seen sum1 look so mesmerized when they r watching tv..as in she’s so engrossed in it…but she’s smart and even though she only speaks broken..she is able to grasp anything she watches…even Fringe!!!

its back to school 2mrw!!! drats!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME

2009-04-05T16:43:00.000-07:00

CONVERSATION WITH BADDERCHIC JUST BEFORE MIDNIGHT..HELEP ME SAY AMEN!

Badder is B and i am T

b: 60
b: 59
b: 58
b: 57
b: 56
b: 55
b: 54
b: 53
b: 52
b: 51
b: 50
b: 49
b: 48
t: lol
b: 47
b: 46
b: 45
b: 44
b: 43
b: 42
b: 41
b: 40
b: 39
b: 38
b: 37
b: 36
b: 35
b: 34
b: 33
b: 32
b: 21
b: 30
b: 29
b: 28
b: 27
b: 26
b: 25
b: 24
b: 23
b: 22
b: 21
b: 20
b: 19
b: 18
b: 17
b: 16
b: 15
b: 14
b: 13
b: 12
b: 11
b: 10
b: 9
b: 8
b: 7
b: 6
b: 5
b: 4
b: 3
b: 2
b: 1
b: HAPPY BUYDAY
b: <:-P
b: <:-P<:-P<:-P<:-P<:-P
b: <:-P
b: <:-P
b: <:-P
b: <:-P<:-P<:-P<:-P<:-P<:-P<:-P
t: thnx dear
b: ITS A PARRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
b: JO!
t: :-*
b: JO!
t: u rock
b: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
b: PARRY YI SHA
b: A MA DI TIT PA NI
b: TITI
b: WE SHALL CLOSE DOWN
b: OZUMBA
t: lol
b: ODEKY
t: u know hw we do
b: ALAKIJA
b: OJELEGBA
b: FOR THIS PARRY MEEN
b: PUBLIC HOLIDAY FOR ALL IN TEJUOSHO MARKET
t: lol
b: LAIDE IS A YEAR YOUNGER
b: SORRY OLDER
b: HEHEHE
b: Happy birthday my darling
b: his blessing over you now and ALWAYS
b: his favour will porshooo
b: you
b: his love will overpawer you
b: you shall be sane in Jesus name
t: lol
b: your ward in Aro shall be allocated to Baroque
b: your membership card shall be passed to FBA
t: loooooooooooooooool
b: your official motor shall be inherited by Ibiluv
b: your were club card
b: shall be transferred to
b: afrobabe
b: many more years
b: may you last longer than fineboy did plus 80 years
b: you will live to 100
t: amen
b: you will have sex and enjoy it
b: you will scratch that
b: you MUST always come]\
t: looooooool
b: you will not stp till you have 6 children
b: even after that you will stilll be balling
b: May you have more orgasms that farts
b: lol
b: you will find a friend to marry
b: he will love you more than you love him
t: AMEN
b: he will build you a house in pakistan
t: ahan
b: and uzbekistan
t: for y
b: he will collect visa to dafur for you
b: sorry i meant dubai
b: may you have more fame than bella naija
b: lol
t: lol
b: all the best now and Always In jesus name
b: oya your money is 600 for special prayer
b: =))
t: looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool
t: c ur head

HOW FACEBOOK DESTROYED MY RELATIONSHIP

2009-04-04T13:51:00.000-07:00

The Laide and Teddy series started with WHY I MURDERED EXSCHOOLNERD

so u can check it out before u see this new note.

Now i posted this note on wednesday..ON facebook.and the thing sort of blew up and next thing i see 960 Comments!!! its just been crazy and to think i almost didnt put it up...

ENJOY!!!!

A FECKING LONG RANT! (you’ve been warned)

2009-04-01T09:10:00.000-07:00

It been six days without light, its been so bad that all my dreams have been about there being light, apparently that seems to be the only place I see light these days cause those fuck heads at NEPA don’t want to get their act right..its not like something’s faulty cause some people around have light..

Three days being alone with mother , my brothers are away, daddy has travelled, the new househelp has travelled, the old one has gone.
Just me, mother and rooney. I am starting to think she prefers rooney’s company to mine, going by the way she’s always talking to him..asking him if he’s been a good boy today.

Sometimes I want to remind her ‘it’s a friggin dog’

We’ve managed to argue about every friggin thing from sardines to plantains, to fuel, to me being selfish, to everything being my bloody fault…and I am so so tired.

I’ve been in school all this while, so we really haven’t had to deal with each other. Three days together and its a shout fest every minute. At least if someone else was around my portion of her wrath would be greatly reduced.

Yesterday we had to wait till 8pm to put on the generator…and I had to endure mothers singing. Whenever there’s no light, mother sings..she never fails to disappoint…i have a feeling she thinks she has a pretty good voice…at one point I almost pulled my eyelids off..when she kept repeating ‘Halleluyah halleluyah halleluyah hosanna hosanna hosanna’ continuously for like 30 minutes…I thought id go mad..i almost forgot myself and at one point almost shouted ‘SHUT UP!’…but then my dad and my brothers would come home to meet my dead body…

.
Gosh she agitates me, I can never do anything right if u hear the way she talks you’d think I was the daughter from hell!!!

And then how she makes everything seem like there’s a demon behind it don’t get me wrong I know there’s evil in this world the things I’ve seen have proved that but what’s with attributing every single thing to some demonic force, its bordering on paranoia and its slowly rubbing off on me i don’t want to be that way…

A wall gecko that retreats when she says Jesus, forgetting it might be purely coincidental definitely has to be her sister doing some astral projection shite and monitoring her.

The neighbour’s dog that barks a lil too loud when she passes is definitely possessed by some demonic spirit.

And when I tell her that she mustn’t attribute everything to demons, she shakes her head as if to say ‘ki lo mode mo’ (what does a child know)

I cant live my life thinking every cockroach and rat is monitoring me..

Thank God for the PVR decoder (Its kind of like a TIVO) makes it possible to watch two DSTV channels at a go and record and stuff…she has one channel on locked down on style network….i mistakenly changed it yesterday and the way she came at me you’d think I came home and told her I was pregnant for baba musibau our plumber and was running away with him..

Takes things too frigging serious.sheesh!

The other day she made me take innocent’s picture (new house help) that one mistook it for a fashion shoot and when to comb his hair and wear his very important person shirt..he was supposed to be travelling and she was paranoid…I don’t know what taking the picture actually achieves…but I did it after much arguing..while innocent posed..change ur syle..another one..another one..be like that.

Of which innocent has started his own problem..laughing around the house like a rat at apparently nothing…and singing songs so loudly that have no head or tail..and when they send him messages he’ll squeeze his face as if they asked him to ate spoilt beans..does he think he is vacationing here or something?

Hold up I need to change the channel…Kiss me thru the fone ko!

Phew! I was able to save some brain cells….oloshi..just because we accepted ‘crank that’ doesn’t mean we have to accept this foolishness.

I wish mother would just chill, we have our fun moments when am telling her about slumdog millionaire and we are talking about celeb marriages..and just life..but other times..she just gets angry and agitated easily and I don’t like that.

WHY the hell is this stupid FLORIDA song number one?!

This cunt from GTB bank annoyed me yesterday ehn what’s with some stupid gurl’s that work in banks…with their attitude problem and all…they need to check themselves cause one day I will curse one of them out.mcheeew!! am I the one that said u shud have a face like a wood pecker…whatever is wrong with u try to keep that shit at home.nonsense!

I am reading a novel – ANYBODY OUT THERE by MARIAN KEYES..anybody read it? Its too hilarious for words but also tear jerking…I don’t want to finish it in a hurry.

Can anyone suggest good/interesting novels for me to buy? (Please no romance)

I have to go now..they r doing a 30 minutes thing on my baby – the dream.

Christina Millian is just for publicity.

Who do u think he was singing ‘I love your gurl for?’

He was taking to my ex-boyfriend..the douche bag.

And yes I did talk in a falsetto..damn! didn’t know I had it in me.

I met my blog boo –Qube the wordsmith.(yes o I gas to belong).he’s just the sweetest thing..we had fun at the beach on Sunday with a bunch of other fun loving peeps ..and he just made the day all the better…We definitely hv to do it this month.

Ill be 23 on Monday. Fecking hell!

NA JEJE I SIDDOWN O!

2009-03-27T10:28:00.000-07:00

wey SIRIUS con tag me...gimme award... so here goes nothing

15 HONEST THINGS ABOUT ME..

1. When I hear people talk about their relationship with God, I get envious because I don’t have the kind of relationship with HIM..and I really want to but am not making any effort..and I don’t know why…I love God and he has been very good to me and my family but I want to love him to the extent that nothing else really matters.I don’t go to church frequently and make excuses about not having anything to wear and hate it when people ask me if I went to church. I know the most important thing is having a relationship with HIM but going to church is also important.

2. I used to have low-self esteem but in the past few years my confidence level has risen…but sometimes I still get insecure. If I go out and no one stares at me I feel really bad, like I don’t look nice..i know its silly but it happens…but there are some days were I feel like the best thing since ofada rice and couldn’t care less if people stared at me cause I know I look good.

3. I get angry easily….but its usually little things that piss me off..my father says I need to pray about it..

4. Even though I get angry easily I don’t stay mad for too long..u could annoy me and make me angry but the next 5 mins I’ve forgotten about it.

5. I am a loner. I have friends and hang out with them but ultimately I prefer my company and find solitude relaxing.

6. I have finally accepted myself, the way I look and all.In the past I was a very depressed human being. I am 6ft 1 and a big girl…a size 16…in the past I used to fantasize a lot about being slimmer and had a traffic stopping booty to match my huge mammary glands…and when I walk id be the cynosure of all eyes and everyone would love me and blah blah blah…I even used to plan when I would fantasize..like if I was in school..and was having a bad day…id make myself happy with the fact that when I get home id fantasize about being slim..and that would brighten me up and give me something to look forward to. Although now am slimmer than I used to be…I have accepted myself the way I am..if I lose weight..fine..but if I don’t…I am not going to beat myself about it and be unhappy.

7. I hate it when people act like they know me. DRIVES ME MAD. I had this huge argument with my brother because of this and we didn’t talk for a while..my own brother oh..talkless of sum random person who isnt as close to me as my brother…people who presume stuff but just don’t know the half of it….GOSH I CAN STRANGLE SUCH A PERSON…and they just keep yaking and yaking ‘I know you laide! I know u more than u know urself’…mchew!!! Okoma! (that’s pig in Afrobabes language)

8. I find it hard to hate/hate on someone….i think its just a waste of time. Thats why I don’t understand those anonymous peeps that leave mean comments on blogville, facebook or in real life.…I think its such a lily livered thing to do. The only time I did something like that was in secondary school when I wrote letters to some chic saying nasty things about her and lying that the letters were from the boys in our class. And turning everybody against some chic in my room…not my proudest moments…

9. I call myself an introverted-extrovert…hope it makes sense to you. The people who don’t know me think I am quiet while does who know wish I was. I don’t open up till I am in the midst of people I care about n who care about me, people I feel comfortable around. That’s why if you ask some people, they’d say laide doesn’t talk…shes quiet..shes shy.. while others will say I belong at yaba left.

10. One thing I like about myself is that I have a mind of my own. So I never had the problem of peer pressure. I cannot be easily swayed.

11. I am not a great fan of sex but I like thinking about it and fantasizing.

12. I am very emotional.

13. I am very stubborn

14. I come off as a snob, unfriendly, anti social.....but am not all of those things.I want to make friends sometimes but don’t know how to go about it. I don’t like making the first move…I know that’s bad..you cant always expect the other person 2 extend the hand of friendship..but I am trying to change.So I might be in a gathering acting like I don’t want anybody to talk to me or don’t care if they do..but deep down I wish they would…

15 RANDOM THINGS ABOUT ME.

1. I have really lovely finger and toe nails.

2. Not a fan of weddings…and I want a small but memorable wedding.

3. sirius bought me my first bra not my mum...she was the big sister i neva had.

4. sirius, afrobabe and i were neighbours

5. If i were to make a perfume it'd smell like chocolate

6. i have never been on a plane.

7. i am an ex-lip gloss addict

8. i am always rooting 4 d underdog

9 i can type a text message with my eyes closed.

10. i am a facebook and text messaging addict

11. i like sleeping with music playing

12. i cant whistle to save my life

13. i get on better with people when we are always ragging on each other..its sorta like an ice breaker.

14. some nicknames ive had - russian(pry school cause of the way i used to write N), TOMATOE(my brothers and their friends) puff puff(wells baba) ide wa (mummy) naija's finest( name i used on hi5 but my ex and his friends kal me dt) Exschoolnerd (some peeps)

15. dont like pounded yam, love yam.

YES i won in the CATEGORY B awards and i am so so happy and grateful.thanks to all those who nominated and voted for me..like ive said a number of times it means alot to me..appreciate it.Thanks to the organisers TOLUWA, STING AND GEISHA..you guys did a great job...and deserve awards urselves...thnks for organising such a wonderful event...kudos yall.congrats to the other winners..

Finally i want to introduce a new blogger...pls show this chuck bass from gossip girl lookalike some love MY ROYAL SCRIBBLES

ehen...

2009-03-22T07:58:00.000-07:00

so i am back, hope u guys have been voting o and for me o!! cause if i dont win this time..i swear if i no win ehn...hmmm...una no wan know wetin i go do if i no win...if i no win any award for category B ehn....i go, i go CRY!!!!!!! lol...so pls VOTE FOR EXSCHOOLNERD....my birthday is in 2 weeks...it'd be the perfect birthday present...

so exams are over..thnk God...after my exams i decided to go see some movies...went with my fwend IFY and her friend DETOLA..whos been living in 'Yaba left' since she was little...lol not as a patient oh!!! her father works dere, so they had a flat in the compound...but i wont deny that living in that place may have affected her a lil..lol..cause home gurl is MAD!!!! likes to act like shes a lesbian...and has the ability to totally find something sexual in everything you say...lol...

Anyways we went to 'Sliverbird' according to Biliki..and we saw PINK PANTHER 2...funniest moie ive seen in a long long time, i wasnt expecting it to crack me up as much as it did..but even when he wasnt doing anything funny i was laughing cause i remembered some scenes...worth my 500 bucks jare!
Also had some sumptuous icecream in this new ice cream place that has a bowling alley..finally been wanting to try bowling since forever....the ice cream was okay the chocolate had this horrible after taste i didnt like but the caramel was ok...

Also went to see 'The international' with Justina at OZONE...(E-centre).i dont know why am not a fan of that place, the only good thing about it is that its within walking distance of my hostel or 50 naira okada...apart from that the place is such a bore..anyways 'the international' was a cool movie..my favorite part wud be at the museum..damn they thrashed that place real bad..at that point i was loving the assassin i so didn't want him to die...i almost lost my mind watching the movie..its almost like some people were just watching a movie at the cinema's for the first time...there were three foolish heediots sitting beside us...these girls were just talking through out...like u wud talk if u were in ur crib...

"oh my he shot him"

ode no he will wait for you

"ahan did u see that...hahahaha hehehehe hohohoho...gimme popcorn, ah they have shot him...oh my god...titi are u watching?"

I WANTED TO DIE!!!!!!!

My friend couldnt take it anymore and was like 'eh could u guys please quieten down, u r disturbing us'...which they did for a while and then continued..i was so burnt..as if that wasnt enough everybody was making noise with their popcorn paper bags...every friggin person...i was like...wetin be dis..i was at silverbird last week..them comport themselves well...shey these foolish unilag students cant ya themselves brain..abi dem think sey this na extension of their classroom....three foolish goats in front of us were whispering...one mumu at my back was hitting my chair till i turned around and was like 'excuse me u r disturbing me, STOP hitting my chair'....gosh i was so so angry...after the movie all the HEEDIOTS were like the movie was stupid...how e no go stupid..u watch am at all..mcheeew!!! Elede!

Ode's...people whose idea of a good movie is 'probably something showing on Africa Magic'...they were grumbling that the movie didnt end well...like every movie is supposed to end the way we want it to...i gbadun the movie jare...

when we were leaving i thot i saw a blogger...but wasnt too sure.

Apart from movies ive been reading alot of novels...just finished a JOHN GRISHAM novel -THE INNOCENT MAN..his first non-fiction work...i absolutely loved it...its a page turner..read it in a day or less sef even though it has like 400pages..thats how hooked it got me..its a sad sad story i tell you..moved on to a stephen king novel...(compilation of short stories actually)-EVERYTHING'S EVENTUAL

Now am reading KING OF TORTS by GRISHAM...not enjoying it as much sha..but am going to finish it...saving it for those days when nepa decide to show themselves...

Looking for stuff to do now that am on hols, places to go, people to visit....as in ive not had a holiday since for ever..my last holiday was spent on Teaching practice and i intend to take one month off school...nonesense and ingredient..won fe kpa omo lo mo....mcheeew!!!

We have a new househelp oh..the old one's leaving..ayah...Tailor's been with us for like 13 years.he touched my breast once when i was little and i reported and he denied it so much i tot i formed it all up sef.until my cousin told me that anytime shes sleeping n he wants to wake her up na for laps e dey tap..hand dey oh..but na for laps e dey tap "tomi! tomi! wake up"...yea he cud be a pervert at times...his wife left him and hes been without a woman for like 16years..i am so sure of it....one thing i know is d man can lie...his name is Mr Oyekusibe but we call him tailor because....wait for it....he's a tailor..lol..neways its been a good 13years..he has provided enough comic relief to last us 5 more years...wish him all d best..

Meanwhile our new househelp.wetin be dat im name again..determination, abi na endurance..ehen...innocent...he's yellow ehn...and cant cook (but can pound yam die)so tailor is teaching him before he leaves...so far he's been okay..the first day he came e just dey look me..dey look my boxers..i dey fear o!...e con sleep for parlour cause them dey organize im BQ...i lock my door oh! me wey no dey like sleep with cloth sometimes..make e no go enta room sey na toilet e dey find...so far he hasn't done anything crazy..he forgets every now and then...and talks to himself alot..and the boy can sleeep!!! anyway i am happy...i wont be as overworked as i used to be..i don com house now...i don go on errand wey no get part 2...dey waka kakiri like sey i dey find promise land...every five minutes laide! laide! i go soon change my name now...

Ehen dem don dey call my name!

sob sob

2009-03-19T07:28:00.000-07:00

Thanx 2 everyone who took the time to read my last post and left a comment...ur words meant alot and helped me snap out of it...you guys are just the best...and i appreciate each and every comment..thanks...makes a gurl wanna cry.....and this gurl will try not to worry as much...my Adam will locate me by fire...no le le!

talking about crying.....

I am seriously bummed that i didnt win in any of the categories i was nominated for in the NAIJA BLOGGERS AWARDS(CATEGORY A).. *sob sob*..like for real..am not even going to lie..but its all good..i was nominated i should be happy about that...thanks to all those who nominated me.Thanks alot and those who voted for me to win to...God bless yall!!

So i was also nominated again and this time, CATEGORY B AWARDS...yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!

Thanks again to everyone who nominated moi...means alot to me...muah muah muah!!!

Please VOTE FOR EXSCHOOLNERD....lets make it happen this time..pls

goto

NAIJA BLOGGERS AWARDS

VOTE FOR EXSCHOOLNERD...

thanks...

will be back to post a proper entry...

Where the fuck are u?

2009-03-11T09:16:00.000-07:00

AM JUST RAMBLING..THIS POST MIGHT NOT MAKE SENSE...or it just might.

i am sitting here, all alone, at home.Well i can hear rooney's heavy breathing through the window where his cage sits.Silence fills my house,nepa has refused to bless us with light for five days..The boredom is unbearable but theres only so much i can do...at least i have my Stephen King novel, my ipod and my two phones..someone is bound to call.What have i become someone that sits by her fone waiting for someone to call and in the event that no one does...thoughts of no one cares feels my head..but as pathetic as it seems i still hope and wait to hear
"i fly like paper , get high like planes" - my ringtone.

i am a very weird person...i feel like no one will really ever get to know me..know the real me..understand me...at least no one does yet..well i think no one does.i feel like i am one of those people that are incapable of really connecting with another person..yeah theres connection on some level..but never as deep as id like it to be..and i dont know if it's me..maybe i should just accept the fact that i am a loner.which of course i am...i will have friends and all..but when it all boils down to it...i am still a loner..and no one will ever understand me or take time to..

...i am starting to think i might not get married..but when did i become the girl who thought about all these things and even if i did it wasnt a big deal, when did everything just become all about marriage..i used to see beyond that, all i wanted to do was finish school, do my masters, work my way into the advertising industry and do my t-shirt designing and jewelry making on the side...not this marriage nonsense that seems to feel my head.

its been what 3 years since i had a serious relationship...no 4...there have been relationships but didnt last enough to turn into anything serious...i have ended every relationship ive ever been in..well except one..it has always been me who pulled the plug.I dont know what i am looking for but i just know i havent found it yet..a couple of times i tot id found it but if that was it why didnt it last. ...but what if i never find it or it never finds me.It sucks when everyone around me has supposedly found someone who they feel they can be with...and i havent..but it doesnt matter.I cant settle...i cant..id rather be alone..than continue to be unhappy...iv been unhappy for long time its only recently hat streaks of happiness can be found in my life...i deserve hapiness...so no i cant settle.sometimes i think about all the people that have approached me all this while and ive said no to...maybe am making a mistake.but i havnt found what i am looking for...ive seen it..but its always taken...no am not talking about the rich guy with the car and the money and all that stuff that has never held water to me...ill make my own money...ill buy myself all i want...so mr look-at-me-mobile, mr i gat-ten-gazillion-in my account , mr-i-am-a-star thats not what am looking for.....

so what am i looking for? do i even know...

i have been celibate for 3 yrs...no 4....i dont know if i should say i hate sex ...i dont think i do.no i dont....i just think over the years ive met people who were more interestd in exploring the phsyical part of me...than any other thing..And that is so not what i need...and until i meet someone who takes the time to know me as a person.gets to know me on a deeper level... thats when i might really open up sexually...no pun intended.

i met someone recently and the 3rd time we saw he was telling me ' i can just imagine what your hands can do on my body'....it just took that sentence to turn me off completely and delete his number...i was abused as a kid and it might have distorted my view of sex...so when u come to me and the first thing u talk about is frolicking in the hay with me...it puts me off!!!

I also have a problem with people i cant talk to.Now i dont want to have to think of what to say to u when we are together.causing akward silence..we should just flow naturally, der should be a connection ....

thats why it didnt work out with u...yes u! u are nice and caring and all that good stuff..but i didnt feel that thing i was supposed to feel and didnt want to lead u on cause i care about u and wouldnt want to be led on too..thats why i suggested we stay friends..u understand now dont u....u were interested in my mind more than anything...which i thought was just incredible..u wanted to know me as a person more than anything else...sex wasn't paramount to u...and i appreciated that but the chemistry...did u feel it? i tried but i didnt...

and u..i cant be with u, cause u talk alot of game but ur actions dont follow suit..u want me u say...we shud get back together you say...but i cant...cause id be settling..i was settling the first time and i didnt know it...and u saved me by suggesting we be friends cause i wasnt ready to fulfill ur needs sexually..but now u want us to get back and as much as i like you...i dont want to settle...

and u.....i always wanted an intelligent man and u came around...and at first i was fascinated and was in awe...cause everytime u spoke i learnt something but later i was horrified to learn that there was no chemistry...and things just fizzled..and the 'love' u had for me...i guess that fizzled too...

and u...i dont knw what we r doing..i know i am really attracted to u cause u r intelligent,u make me laugh and ur witty,artsy and caring ud have been perfect .....but..there r so many buts and u know it...and i dont know what u want from me..cause we aint defined it yet...but..but..i dont do friends with benefits....

how many failed relationships or almost relationships do i have to have before i meet u.

u foolish goat...with the toothy smile...intelligence that leaves me dumbfounded...our chemistry will be electric...u would bring out that part of me that has been buried long ago in my teens years...under my many self esteem issues..ud bring out the real laide..the happy one..who isnt scared..doesnt care what people thinks...dare devil...feisty....fun....friendly...outgoing....and id do the same for u...help u discover things u didnt know about urself...we'd be inseperable...and go for literary events hand in hand...and silence wont be akward..cause even in silence it feels so good..and we'd take those goofy pictures and upload on facebook and everyone wud be positive that we are mad...and it'd feel like i had found what i have been waiting for for a very long time...and then sex would be toe curling..mind blowing....sheets grabbing....head board hitting..neirbourhood waking...police calling...kinda sex...

where the fuck are u?

howdy bloggerians!!!

2009-03-08T10:08:00.000-07:00

WHOA!! I Have never stayed off my blog for this long....ive missed my blog..missed yall...*sob sob* ..so i had exams...the exams get as be ooh..as in...is like...i cant talk too much..u see ehn...Thunda will faya that unilag...cause i started lectures on the 26th of jan cause of teaching practice and then had exams 23rd of feb...shortest semester iv ever and i had 10 courses to read for and these courses are not easy courses o..as in i said it on facebook..whoever said ENGLISH as a COURSE is easy needs to be slapped....but neways make i no talk too much..i did my best and left the rest for God...I am having a breather..though i have one paper left but its in like 2 weeks(got postponed) and i really need to rest...ehen exam period was hmmm..what can i say...not as interesting as it normally is...no time to scope bois or wish dey were sitting near u except they also happened to be brainy too...was more interested in having me course mates around..just incase i forget anything..ahh that SYNTACTIC ANALYSIS did everyone strong thing...the hall was filled with a bunch of head scratchers, birror bitters,day dreamers,ceiling watchers, neck elongators(permit me)...as in if it were possible to remove one eyeball and let it scoping people's papers for me i for no mind...cause ehn...lol...hmm..i dont want to pronouce bad thing for myself sha...i sha did my best...hopefully it pays off.

i got nominated in d NAIJA BLOGGER AWARDS...*blushes*...thanks to everyone who voted for me....means alot to me....THANK YALL VERY MUCH...now go VOTE for me please!!!!

GO HERE TO VOTE!!!!!!!

MY holiday doesnt last very long but i intend to enjoy every bit of it...this semester was horrible..gosh i need to start my project..so much to do!

oh yeah for the first time ever i saw prostitutes actually standing on the road...yeah i need to get out more...but i had never come accross them...i was so shocked am sure the person i was with was like...ki lon se mumu yi...cause i was like really staring..one of em came towards the car and jiggled her titties....i think i puked in my mouth...the first one i saw wore just a bra and a very short skirt and tot it was just some random club hobbing chic and i wanted to say 'see what this one dey wear dey waka for road' then it hit me...we r on the island its night..these r friggin prostitutes...i saw really young girls, old scraggy ones, pot bellied ones, no teeth having ones, really cute ones...as in....gosh i was shocked....as in how bad duz a persons condition get to be pushed into such..i just felt sad and sorry at the same time for the girls....(note to self: u need to get out more and stop acting like a JJC)

so what to do ,what to do...first i need to finish season 7 of 24...watched the first two episodes and m already loving it, then SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE(a must watch)...then what else...

Thoughts in my head during a class!!!

2009-01-29T12:15:00.000-08:00

So the doo-doo brains at the Faculty of Education finally decided to renovate the decrepit edu hall…I swear I was always scared the damn roof was gonna cave in on us during one of our faculty lectures when the hall is packed….stupid people didn’t knw they’d start renovating during the hols so when school starts we’ll have somewhere to use for our faculty courses…ssemester is almost over and they havnt even started real work on it..and it’s the only place that can take us all..so what do the do they move us to one of the Multi purpose halls where they rent for weddings and other events so we gata make do with plastic chairs and tables and it is so friggin hot…they don’t even put on the AC for us…how wicked could they be at least if the place was airy it wouldn’t be that bad.

I have a class now! I am quite early sha…whaaat…last week the chairs and tables were all set up for us but this week the hall con empty…

So man pikin go have to start carrying chair and table from the back..what sort of rubbish is this….mchew!!!!

I better gaan carry one for me and that foolish gurl yinka that is always late..iv told her she’ll be late for her wedding too…chei I have to walk infront of all this people with this my vibrating buttcheeks..….this one wey Igo wear thong 2day… …m feeling so self conscious..lol…but it was d only thing I cud wear with these pants…these sesky looking pants…

Abegi jare!

I grab 2 chairs after squeezing through the crowd and find a space to set it…now a table…chei how do I safe guard these chairs now…ill just put my bag on it…shud i? wat if dem steal am…no dey wont…how I go do am now…if dat stewpid gurl was around this wud have been easier…

I see this boi that I greeted earlier, we r just watcup..how u dey friend..cause me no won take am further..he stays on the street near mine…I see him coming my way with a table…ope o! maybe he wants us to share…

Maybe not….

O boy just carry the table pass me! ..mcheeeeeeeeeeew!!!!! chei and I had that look on my face like I was expecting him to put it infront of me..he must have been thinking…ode! No go carry ur own table…shet! I will treat his fuck up! He cant even be a gentleman and give me his own table..

There is no problem ill gaan get mine,,vibrating buttcheeks or not…so na this small space all of us go pass with our chairs and tables …okay I fit pass mine through the windows…I’ll pass it to some bois inside and ill go in and carry it….but m scared by the time I enter some people feeling smart with themselves go just take am….gotta get in fast! oya move now!!..excuse me!!! Plix the leg of ur chair is poking my side…carry this thing up now…some people don’t have sense I swear!…enter!!!!..chei! they’ll take my table oh..plsss!!! move…phew! Finally…

Now to get my…..

Table…where is my table..i see two barawos walking off wt it…

Where are u carrying that table to!

Excuse me! Excuse me!

Be acting like u cant hear me oh! I will collect that table today…

Excuse me that’s my table….they turn around smiling…who dey smile with u…if I chook u this biro ehn…

That’s my table!

“Can we share with u?” one of the heediot asks…

I dirrin even look at him…oloriburuku….after I suffer go carry table for outside….una one gbaju me…

“I am not sitting here I told the maloo and grabbed my table from the two fools…agbaya oshi’s a gurl went to carry table outside u two elede’s siddown jaburata dey wait steal her table…thunda strike that u and that ur trouser wey dey fear ground…con gimme my thing jare….

I went thru the arduous task of carrying the table to the back…I was scared my bag was gone but found it but with only one chair!! Why do sum people always feel they r fast and smart….

The person that stole that chair will have pile for 3 weeks…morrafucka! I didn’t wake up by 6:30 to get here early n secure a sit so one fool will take it…wo I cant get another chair wen that perpetual latecomer of a friend called yinka comes she’ll find chair for herself…if not…I no go meet this table!

Pls sister can I share table with u

I turn around and see this dude!

U cant gaan carry ur own ni…see as person dress fine finish con dey carry chair n table they sweat like ram…gaan suffer ur own too..but I said

“ well am sharing it with someone but u can sha manage”

“thanks”

mcheeeeew!!!

This lecturer can dictate note sha…wrist don dey pain person…this is the fifth page already…chai…shey I no 4 do sex education instead….as in…u know…that one would have been sweet..who no go pass…who no go attend class…am sure that’s one of the courses people pass a lot…why o why wasn’t it one of my required courses…instead!!!

Gosh this permanent frapas called a thong is very annoying…all because of VPL oh!(visible panty line) .shey VPL don kill person before..abi if I get VPL I go go hell…never again…this is the last time I put myself thru torture..i don get new catapult!

(*Frapas- when ur panties slip in between ur buttcheeks and become uncomfortable

This guy can like to stop asking questions so this lecturer can leave…ahan wat is it..whenever it feels like the lecturer wan comot im go raise hand

“Scuss me ma!”

and no be sey na queshun wey get sense im dey ask o!

upon all the suffer suffer I do for that yeye yinka she go siddon sumwer else…

Hmm I got a text! From my ashawo friend…we don dey send rubbish rubbish messages ooh!! Na im even put me for trouble wey I go mistakenly send my reply to popcy’s fone..

Popcy for call me…cane in one hand…bowl of pepper in the other….oya off pant and lie down here…shey this is what I sent u to school to be doin shey..u go tell me when u turn puff puff wey u want make person dey eat u..oniranu omo oshi…

But as God wil have it(gosh that is such a Nigerian line) the next day popcy fone get small madness…my ashawo friend sey the fone no fit handle the kind ashawo text im receive…lol..na so my papa com hand me the fone the next day sey make I look am…me wey don dey dream of how I go enter im room steal d fone n delete the text…cause I no sey popcy no dey bother read im msgs im go just think sey na from INzain…im just deliver am for my hand..i swear God works in mysterious ways!

I am going to do sumthing for us this yeye gurls wey no sabi close yansh…if to sey the camera for this fone no get brain touch…I go dey take ..compile am…print am out….and post am for notice board “Can u identify your butt crack”..i mean why would u buy a trouser that’s clearly not ur freaking size n wen u sit down all ur butt go jus spill out they assault the eyes of other people….if na fine butt crack at least we no go too angry but not dis…lapa lapa infested dirty looking ones..some gurls just don’t have sense…...dey gv ur self wahala..all in d name of wearing low waist jeans…

So dese gurl even dey do this course……no be im and im friends wey me and yinka jam yesterday for were we go chop…chei JENIFA has nothing on these chics...very uncouth set of gurls…see as dem turn the place to market yesterday…
“silifat I go shop hout hof ur rize hooo!!!. U go shop wetin?….na so dem start to dey fight for the food..they use spoon dey knack plate dey beg each other for food…as in some people just don’t know how to shut up and behave in public places….one of them just they tabon like no 2morrow…”you know am a fine babes!” she said it like 3 times I almost chocked on my meat…na wa o….na so so SULIAT’s AYE TORO KAN’S full UNILAG…dey pretend like JENIFA’S….dont be fooled by how dey look oh..make dem just open mouth…u go fear tabon!

Lecturer is asking if we are tired!

Yes we are tired ma! Can we go now..there r some curries that need 2 b scoped…

Lol….she still dey dictate ooh!!!

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawns! Gosh my 200 level lecturers were so interesting…plus I could get my fine boi scoping on…e be like sey everybody don dey ugly…where r all d fine bois now.....ok spotted one…chei! dey used 2 b everywhere…..

I cant scope fine bois
Lecture is borin
Not taking sex education
My wrists are about to collapse
My friend is sumwer else so we cant gossip
I don’t have credit to text my ashawo friend
….could this day be any more horrid….

Yes it can…I just found out this is a two hour lecture not one!

Shoot me!

2 truths and one lie

2009-01-22T15:49:00.000-08:00

Thanks for all ur comments on my last post...i am much better now just tryna stay off certain foods and exercise...ill be fine by Gods grace..thanks once again i really do appreciate it...u guys rock..love yall...

TWO TRUTHS AND ONE LIE

1.I GET TURNED ON BY LOOKING AT NAKED WOMEN, NAKED WOMEN KPANSHING, NAKED BOOTYLCIOUS WOMEN....NAKED WOMEN DOING THINGS TO EACH OTHER.

2. I ONCE DATED A MARRIED MAN FOR 3 MONTHS

3. I DONT WEAR PANTIES TO SCHOOL SOMETIMES.

lol..good luck guessing which one's true n which one's a lie.

Who do i tag oohhh!!!!

ill b back jare.

PLS CAN SOMEONE POINT ME TO THE BLOG THAT WANTS TO DRIVE BADDERCHIC INTO PRIVATE MODE...THE SILLY ONE DAT POSTS STUFF ABOUT WHO'S SLEEPING WITH WHO..

SO THIS WAS HOW I SPENT THE HOLIDAYS-BED RIDDEN!

2009-01-03T23:51:00.000-08:00

It all started on the 27th of December, the day started like any other....when i woke up i felt a slight pain at the right side of my tummy but i just put it to the way i slept that night..i think i slept on something hard. Anyways the pain wasn't sharp and lasted for only 30 minutes and i continued facebooking...that same day i went to Alade Market, went to YABA and met with a friend and discussed at the MR BIGGS in the area for like 2 hours and afterwards i headed for the POETRY POTTER event at the National Library where i met up with Bloggers-Woomie,Isi and Naughty Eyes....

That was when it started.

The pain...at my right side...it was worse now...not like i had in the morning..and it left me feeling really uncomfortable....and restless and holding my side.Isi noticed the look on my face and asked if i was that bored..but i told her i was experiencing pains in the right lower side of my tummy..when i couldn't take it anymore...i went outside accompanied by Naughty Eyes who could really tell something was up with me...i jammed Tosyn Bucknor downstairs and she too could tell something was going on cause i couldn't stay in a place....i decided the best thing was to go home..i couldnt wait stay stay for the event..Woomie escorted me and i took a bike to a BRT bustop...all through the okada ride the pain was horrid,unbearable...i couldn't stand up straight at the BRT bustop, i though i might collapse any minute and wished i could just teleport home...all thru the ride home i was squirming in my seat,gritting with pain..and discomfort..it was the most horrible continuous pain ever...it didnt even cease for a second..i have felt nothing like it in my life.

I finally got home to see my brothers, told them what was wrong with me and went to my room 2 lie down..my brother came 2 check on me and met me crying...the pain was too much to handle now...he took me to the pharmacy but the pharmacist wasnt around so we went to a hospital in our area..the nurses...cunts that they r wasted enough time when it was quite obvious that i was in so much pain..writhing and a few seconds away from rolling on the floor and shouting in pain..i was this close to start cursing them out when they finally took me in to see the doctor-an old guy who didnt look anything like a doctor but oh well...he told me to lie down on this bed (i forget wat they call it jare) in his office,take my shirt up and he poked my tummy here and there and immediately announced that i had appendicitis which i feared might be the case...but i was like how could he tell so quick...i was wary and told me bro to call popcy cause i am so sure popcy would want a second opinion because of what happened to my bro.(A doctor said he had appendicitis but on getting a second opinion we found out it was only Ulcer)

As expected popcy said i should come home..took some pain killers and went to my dad's friend's pharmacy he gave me drugs and advised we do a scan the next day...

I took the drugs and after an hour the pain stopped but i was still feeling feverish and took drugs for that, i also went online to research possible ailments...i didnt want to believe it was appendicitis...i was too scared..i didnt want a surgery..plus this ass has been able to evade injections for 8 years..and i wanted to keep that record (yes injections scare me shitless)

Anyways the next day was sunday so had to wait till monday to do the scan...i had to drink a whole EVA water..the big size(drinking water had never seemed so hard)..cause i needed to feel pressed before i do the scan but 2 hours later.. and i still didnt feel pressed..but i did the scan neways and thank God i didnt have appendicitis..so that alakoba DR. wanted to make money this season at my expense...and make me go through a surgery i didnt even need...chei! can u imagine the kind of mental torture he put me through?

So after the scan i didnt have appendicitis but it was discovered i was very fertile(hehehe) and my liver was inflammed and i needed a LIVER FUNCTION TEST.

I did the test and it had something called 'fatty liver' or steatosis due to elevated cholesterol and triglyceride levels.

I dont know if i totally agree with the diagnosis...(WHERE IS HOUSE WHEN U NEED HIM) but the symptoms sorta match what i was going through.

Apart from this i was also stricken with TYPHOID..so ive been bed-ridden for over a week..it has simply been horrid.

So here's the deal my diet needs to change drastically...and i need to start exercising..shucks!....i still have abdominal pains but its not as excruciating as the first day.

Still weak and can't eat anything..ive lost weight sha..m sleeping most of the time or lying down..nothing tastes nice in my mouth..gosh i want to be well so badly..m tired!

I thank God it wasn't Appendicitis..and although i am not happy about the FATTY LIVER thing either there's only so much i can do..guess i just have to stick to a diet that is rich in fiber and low in calories and saturated fat...(yall have any suggestions on what is okay for me to eat...i know what not to eat)

HAPPY NEW YR!!!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO MY ALL MY BLOGVILLE FRIENDS!!!

2008-12-25T02:28:00.000-08:00

WITH LOVE FROM EXSCHOOLNERD!!!!!

Ive been around!!!!

2008-12-18T10:49:00.000-08:00

I thought i was finally done with TEACHING PRACTICE..i mean it was great while it lasted and yesterday they had their last paper and me and the other student teacher were given gifts(i now have six tumblers) and the students said bye! The staff begged us to stay and eat rice..only for my partner to call me today and say it was extended...bummer!

WRITER'S ANONYMOUS....i never used to go for events but in the last three months ive been to a lot of events,mostly literary events(I am tryna get my writing mojo back o) and get together’s like S.H.A.R.E and ive met alot of people...who would have thought i was capable of making friends...lol i know that sounds weird but i am not one of those people that makes friends easily...on the internet its easy peasy but in real life....not so much..i made a bunch of friends but alot of them r guys...with gurls its not so easy....except with a few...i think i get on better with people when we r ragging on each other, i dunno it sorta just breaks the ice...anyways ive been to two WRITER'S ANONYMOUS events....the first one was great but i couldn’t stay long...alot of people read their stuff, poetry, excerpt from their book,from their blog and all..a couple of bloggers were present FBA,CHARIZARD,WELLSBABA...and a host of other great people...I of course didnt read anything of mine...lol..am a writer not a talker...the thot of going out and reading terrified me and i put it off saying one day i will....one day being never

The second WRITER'S ANONYMOUS was this month, i invited a couple of friends/bloggers WOOMIE O, RUKKY(JOURNAL OF A LIL WOMAN), WELLSBABA was there, ISI (who has a lovely book titled EKO DIALOGUE, that you should read for details on how to get the book go here WOOMIE ) and so were FBA and RAYO...i also invited my friend JOHN. This time i stayed till the end and guess what i read my stuff...you know i just thought what the hell...okay they made me do it..all of em...pestering me to read something and i just happened to have a copy of SOUNDCITY'S BLAST MAGAZINE which i write for so i just read my column 'PAPER BLOG' and it was funny and they liked it and they didnt have too many questions so right now i am looking forward to reading at the next WRITER'S ANONYMOUS.

I was also at WAPI with WELLSBABA!!!

I was also at Tosyn Bucknor's S.H.A.R.E event and met some more bloggers....the weird one with the beautiful mind-THE RIFT ...we had chatted on facebook but met for the first time there, and his friend JOHN who is so much fun...and an ex blogger too who i found out stays real close to me. It was nice sha, i dont get to do all this, so if was really fun for me actually making friends-without the help of the internet.I know u r surprised!

I am just one of those people who doesnt get along with everybody..am real weird so making friends is not that easy for me..peeps don’t understand me..and i didnt know it was that easy...first time meetings never go well..cause i am quiet and all and people assume am boring...but i am one of those peeps that need to know u first before i open up..some people can be crazy on their first meet...not me!

AND RECENTLY I was at the FARAFINA literary and visual arts events at BAMBUDDHA RESTAURANT (the place is fab by the way, u shud see the toilets)

i stole the pics from THE FARAFINIST CHECK THE BLOG FOR MORE DETAILS ON HOW THE EVENT WENT.

Chiedu Ifeozo read from his book THOUGHTS ON A PAGE…lovely! Another inspiring poetry collection. Timi Dakolo from West African Idols sang and he does have a lovely voice!!!! Really amazing!!! Jumoke Verissimo read from her poetry collection ‘I AM MEMORY’.CHIMAMANDA ADICHIE (she’s gorgeous) and ODIA OFEIMUN were in attendance too. There was some spoken word, Molara wood’s interview with Bank Okri. There were a couple of other writers talking about their novels and the usual suspects were there THE RIFT, WOOMIE O , WELLSBABA, RAYO, FBA….it was great, I had a nice time…oh yeah except getting my cash card stuck in a Zenith Bank….and its all THE RIFT’S fault…if he wasn’t trying to be a bloody gentleman saying “Ladies first!” then his card would have been stuck instead…lol…

All in all its been a blast…the FACEBOOK CARNIVAL is from 19-21st still contemplating whether to go or not….if ull be there..lemme know!

I HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN MY DEAR KOSOFE STUDENTS..I REALLY HAVENT..I JUST OPENED AN ACCOUNT TODAY....WOOMIE O IS TALKING TO THE CARPENTER....WE WILL MAKE THIS HAPPEN...IN MY NEXT POST ULL GET ALL THE DETAILS!

I miss secondary school!!!

2008-12-02T09:59:00.000-08:00

Teaching in a secondary school, i can't help but get nostalgic about my secondary school days.I got to school early on monday-suprisingly....Just as the students were lining up for assembly.Lol i miss assembly, who would have thought..i remember when i used to scale assembly....id be in class pretending to be sick,scared shitless that a senior or a teacher would catch me and ill be flogged...so i always had an excuse/lie prepared...but i was usually never caught.

Whenever i did attend assembly...i was so terrified about leading that i had this face i always reserved,sorta like a dying chicken...so if by chance some evil senior wanted to disgrace me by telling me to lead..i do my dying chicken face,hold my tummy,and act like i was about to faint..lead assembly ke...i was bloody shy in secondary school and terrified of people, leading assembly can be likened to a death sentence...

In jss1 and jss2 i went to school with my brothers and two and their friends,imagine me with four guys in a car and the driver,we were perpetual late comers.no fault of mine though...while evryone was on assembly our car would pull into the school compound.we'd usually stay in the car till assembly is over..other times teachers would catch us and force us to go for assembly..and then we'd be punished for being lated...at times we were either made to do frog jumps around the school...

I remember all the school anthems and pledges...how we used to chop mouth in some parts...how all those walking had to pause immediately the national anthem was being sung...marching to our classrooms afterwords...

I remember getting flogged for not doing assignments,i had this citizenship teacher who was very evil..he never flogged on ur hands or ass...always on the back...we had this teacher we called 'Da rod' in Chrisland..i dont know if it was because of the huge size of his cane or the huge size of something else that was visible through his trousers...lol..every body dreaded being flogged by him....chei! whenever there were people to be flogged and the principal called on the services of Da Rod...fear would seize everybody!!!

There was also our yoruba teacher which we nicknames "box head"....You know all those over sabi teachers that can never let a thing go....always taking panadol for another persons headache,their oju aye/eye service knew no end...they found joy in kobalising students and took certain things too seriously...like how deep your brush was...i mean how does the depth of my brush affect the maths test i am going to have..brush or no brush i am still getting zero..i mean as long as i keep it neat..but no..box head must definately talk...he will be only to talk about the frills on ur socks..why you are using a hair ruffle with a colour other than the ones allowed..stupid trivial stuff..

In my teaching practice school they just had their interhouse sport heat, and it was actually fun...their interhousesports is just days away,i am actually exicted about it..

I miss practicing for interhouse sports...marching...all the excitement that surrounds the whole day...f course i missed two interhouseports...cause whenever i wnet home for midterm i always had typhoid..two bloody times...gosh i was so crushed..not even one..both times i had typhoid and then id hear stories see pictures...it used to hurt alot..the outfits the short skirts..missed it all..

The madam koin koin stories...Mr face cap..Dress-make-i-sleep..lol..i am so happy i never encountered any of them..the closest i ever came t experiencing those scary stories was when certain peorl came back from olumo rock with rocks and several people claied to have slept and saw something white telling them to return the stones or face their wrath..see pronouncements.....some people brought out their bible's n dusted off the cobwebs that had engulfed it and began to pray...

"I shall not die but live"
"No weapon fashioned against me shall prosper"

It was not funny oh, i think they returned the stones sef cause alot of students were complaining about seeing things..

The punishments...in primary school i had two ghanaian teachers, ghanaian teachers are known to be very wicked....u remember that riding okada punishment...Mr Christian would tell me to do it and put one ababio looking book on my lap and if the textbook falls...he'll decorate my back with cane marks...i once pumped tire so much...i couldnt walk down the stairs....but all these punishments wer part of school life me thinks...and i sorta miss it all...i know crazy huh..who would have thought.

When i was in Chrisland, i was a boarder and provisions were not allowed....i dont understand why...so back then we'd come up with creative ways to sneak provisions in..trust me..id empty the content of my persil packet in a nylon and empty my milo or milk in a nylon and stuff it inside the persil pack..i once put my milo in a nylon and hid it in my underwear bag..but the evil wench that was searching for 'contrabands' no gree o...she empotied the contents of my underwear bag for ground..yakata!! infront of the gate mean..out came my payints,shimy..i didnt have a bra then..mumcy no gree buy for me..even if my breasts were crying for support...i could have died...she just stared at me like..u think sey u smart...mos times i out smarted them...other times we used ourtr parents to sneak provisions for us on visiting day,till they made this stupid rule that u had to eat whatever u geton visiting day on that day./..and nothing gets carried into the dorm...i thought it was a joke oh..thats how mumcy and pupcy brought stuff from Mr. Biggs and some green apples for me this one time...na so i dey fill like james bond..genge genge..i look left, look right.start making my way to dormitory...only for someone to start shouting..stop there! stop there! i tuned around it was a secirity guard...what did i do..i started running to dorm! lol..u would think the jobless idiot would retreat..the man chase me oh...i didnt even know i could run like that...u go think sey i tiff something...the dude chased me inside the dorm and caught me..some peopele said i should have ran inside the toilet...i was like how now!!!..He said principal was calling me..chei my own don finish....i went to meet princi who was talking to some parents...she just told me not to take my stuff inside dorm and finish it outside and then i explained to her that it wa sjust a couple of apples..
.i am very sure if she wasnt with anyone.she for don slap me with tha nylon...i told her.yes ma..yes ma!!! when i ran into the dorm i quickly hid the biggs stuff in the common room so it was only the apples that were with me...so i explained to her that i only had apples...and she told me that in that case i could go...lol..u know want make me too go pose for room with the things my parents brought for me..make i dey look as everybody they chop make longthroat dey kill me...mba!

Socials!!! i wasnt one of those people who enjoyed socials..mainy cause i always had my back up against the wall..with no one to dance with...ayah..plus i was really shy so even if someone asked id have said no...so i was one of them peeps who stayed behind and borrowed peeps her clothes to wear for socials and wait to hear the uicy stories,who smooshed who, who danced with who...who slapped who for dancing with his girlfriend,who stole someone elses clothes from theclothes line to wear for socoa;s....the stories were always hilarious!! I did attend our end of year socials this one time..i had planned for it..when i went home i tod pupcy to give me money for clothes..and i went to a friends mum's store and bought a spaghetti and hipsters..lol..that was what in then..i felt real cool with myself..like dey don hear am...i couldnt wait to rock my new baffs for that socials...so the day came..wore my spaghetti and hipsters went with a couple of my friends..ended up not dancing..sitting with a bunch of other chics while evryone enjoyed themselves...the life of a nerd!...anyways there was dis one irritant...that no one could stand..he was like a cross between Napolean dynamite and Dumb and dumber....his name was Ernest...Ernest now started asking girl from girl whether they wanted to dance..and the replies were the same NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!...when he got to me,he was probably expecting me to say no...i said "my brain is paining me"...and everybody started laughing..like laide! only u wud give such an answer....

I was two different people i class and in dorm...quiet in class...crazy and agressive in dorm..they once nicknamed me 'Agresso"..LOL...this one time in ss1 i wrote this essay..My favorite food and my English teacher asked me to come outside and read it..as i made my way to the front, i started crying..the nasty boys in my class were laughing saying they bet my favorite food is Ponmo and Garri!!..lol...i was so timid..plus i was like 12 or 13 then..my English teacher started insulting me...i felt so stupid i swear...she asked if thats how i behave in dorm..but thank God no one opened my yansh.if not she'd have made me stand in front of class and read my essay...

I miss the fights...i miss london cell..not that i ever went there o! Okay london prison was a cell-like room they sent unruly kids for 2weeks...in Chrisland...and friends and classmates brought food and notes for them..lol...

I miss trekking to the kitchen to carry food and fighting along the way....

I miss watching channel o in the common room, i miss scaling prep and being caught.

EVIL MISS DIBIA.who would ask us to drink the imaginary blood ...for someone so prayerful she was the most evil person ever....only God knows what she was telling us to drink..maybe tryna initiate us...and whenever any of us tried to open our eyes we were greeted with a slap...our breats pulled..anything..

I miss after exams when we would play ten ten, tinko tinko,just run around...be crzy..watch movies in the hall for 50 bux..the first movie we ever watched on that huge screen was titanic i think i slept thru it, also saw Enemy of the state, and i know what you did last summer..oh and matrix...those days were the best.

I miss my morning duties.some of which included washing toilet...emptying the bowls they used to wash plates.sweeping and mopping half of the common room, cleaning box room

I miss passing through the place we tagged "the evil forest' and we would try to scare each other as we ran thru it...

fetching water from sick bay and doing rub and shine something...you rub and hopefully you shine!!!!

I miss recess in CTC, eating biscuits and tea..and then break when we ate proper food with our classmates and our second break where we were treated to juice and cake or something...

I miss mid day lunch in Chrisland...it was introduced in ss2..i think...the school decided to startgiving us drinks and gala or cake/biscuit(ok we were actually paying 10k for it) the first few times...we all got our mid-day snakcs..then slam slam slam and forget urself began...boys would take more than their fair share n u know gurls we cant rush,always forming so most of us wont get anything...after a while we got angry and soji-ed oh..we started slamming..lol..there was a slamming war in school..all classes started slamming.it got so bad..the teachers found out and slamming was prohibited..bt we continued after a while..

I miss sunday breakfast...Bread,sausage,butter,cornflakes and tea...miss that and hang urself..cause it was the best meal of the week!!!

I miss scaling school in Home science to go and play snooker, or go to the video club!!!

i miss saturday morning jogging...

i miss using my tooth brush hair brush..and scarfing my hair till it lemo-led..lol...pink oil and perm repair were a girls best friend

I miss chatting with OK(who i heard is now gay) like anyone's surprised about that news...
chatting in the biology lab in D-IVY, just gisting...and laughing...lol ...i miss him though he was fun!!
I remember when michael told him he was gay...that was before he came out...and then he asked michael if he f^&ked his father and proceeded to insult the life out of michael...you know how gay guys r..sharp mouths and can insult...lol...michael had been trying him and he just let it all out on the boy who couldnt say anything afterwards...i eventually met him in unilag,and there were still d same gay rumours surrounding him..even my brthers said "Liade this ur friend is gay" BUT I DINT CARE...after uni he travelled to yankee and that was when he came out of the closet!

I MISS SECONDARY SCHOOL!!!!!

I haven’t forgotten about getting the chairs for my students…I should put up an update next week....so all those who expressed their interest in it and want to help out..nows the time people..lets make this happen.

Oh and the blogger JOURNAL OF A LIL WOMAN..wants to thank yall for your comments..she hasnt been able to update or do her blog rounds cause her internet acess has expired but she would do so a.s.a.p.

What doesn’t kill you, only makes you stronger

2008-11-22T11:38:00.000-08:00

As I made my way home last week after teachin practice I stopped to take a bike home, like I usually do…the okada man was like 100 bucks…and I looked at him like…r u on that cheap stuff…u don see mugu, u don see mugu…I told him it was 60 bucks I normally pay..ofe gbaju omo lo mo….anyways he agreed,if he didn’t id just find another okada man…and after that bargain as I sat on the okada I just smiled and was really proud of my self…lol…I was proud because years ago id probably have paid him the 100 bucks or even more, he’ll ask for 100 and ill pay him 120..sugomu rich man’s pikin that I was.

I used to be one of those spoilt kids, I went to five of the best private schools in Nigeria. I had a personal driver when I was 11 and in jss3, Mr Ben. I mean money was spent lavishly and stupidly if I might add…frugality wasn’t in my books or my parents.. it was almost as if they felt…if u have the money spend spend spend, well if daddy had the money, presurrize him to spend spend spend…….not spend wisely..just spend.
I never bothered to price stuff…clothes shopping I always bought the most expensive but horrid looking things…I bought a shirt and skirt for 7500 , and that was like six years ago I mean i am pretty sure it didn’t cost more than 3500 or 4000, my school shoe in ss2 cost 15,000…they were boots…but what did I care, there was money and I was spending, am sorry my daddy was spending.
My father was kind of a big deal back then, every other day he was in the papers, he practically ran one of the leading advertising companies in Nigeria.

Most of my clothes were not bought in Nigeria….I had more clothes than I needed when I was much younger, too many clothes that when relatives came over they stole and I didn’t notice till much later. When I watch “My super sweet sixteen” show on MTV even though it makes me want to hurl, that parents could spoil their children that much and children could be that spoilt. I was once like that and if I weren’t so young then my dad would have probably done all of that and more. Now when I watch the show I am so disgusted by the antics of the drama kings and queens of the show…and I want to reach into the TV and slap them silly. Like wake up!!!!!

I was one of those overprotected kids, I never spent a day in anybody’s house, people always came over, always chauffeur driven, wasn’t allow to use public transport, I had to give like three says notice if I wanted to visit a friend.At home every last staurday of the month we had these lavish five course meals where our chef….chef oh…Mr Ben Ironbar..who later went mad…I don’t know why…used to cook sumptuous meals…I mean there’s nothing this man couldn’t cook…basically we were living the life. The folks traveled every other day,lodged in places like Waldorf Astoria in Newyork, attended parties, drove the nicest cars….We all went to church but not to worship God but to see who was going to out pledge the other today, or gossip about whose father’s car is the nicest…very shallow stuff that shouldn’t really matter.
Whenever we traveled it was always in a convoy, stayed at the best hotels, my dad threw the biggest parties, the biggest of which was when his mother died in Ibadan, it was the party of the year. Daddy had so many friends, Mummy too, she was one of those society women who changed her hair every week and spent her husband’s money buying lace and gold…but my mother worked, she wasn’t just spending money.

I just want you to picture how good it was….
Basically life was good and I have lived the life….

And then it happened.

My dad left his job when I was about 11, there were some problems in his office, certain people ganged up against him and he had to leave, my brothers had already bought all their Betta forms and where ready to go abroad for college but that had to be put on hold.

My dad set up his own advertising company and set up a school for my mother….some of the staff from his fomer company left and joined his company. He was doing very good for the first four years…and then slowly but surely it started going downhill…am not going to go into all that happened but it was a long hard couple of years of trying to survive…I wouldn’t say we were suffering…God still sustained us but our standard of living dropped.

The girl who had a washer man and washing machine suddenly had to wash her clothes, that only lifted a broom in boarding house had to bend down, sweep and do house chores, we had a house help now not a chef anymore. No more personal driver, my brothers filled that position.
The cars reduced from like 9 to like 4, the dogs also reduced lol…No more last Saturday meals, me and my brothers always joked that the song that reminds us about that period was that song by the group Ruff Ends - “No more shopping sprees, no more late night treats, no more doe….”..lol….yes! it was pretty much like that, we went from very comfortable to just average folks, from upper class to middle class…sometimes things got very good but then they’d take a nose dive. All the friends I thought my daddy had were no were to be found, my mother’s friends with whom she formed her own “destiny’s child clique” where too cool to hang out with her. My dad’s company went belly-up…we learnt a lot from what happened but I am sure finding God, was the most important thing we took away from the whole experience, church was no more a chance to show-off, we changed churches and now it was a time to serve God
We became a more close knit family. Had do make do without all the luxuries we had before. Clothes were not bought every Christmas now or whenever we felt like, we had to make do with what we had or an amount that wasn’t quite what we were used to.

When there’s no money, problems always arise…my mom and dad argued every now and then…but it wasn’t anything too serious..the next minute they were all lovey dovey but money used to cause a lot of arguments..I have seen my mum cry, seen my dad sad….i have cried….i know my brothers have!

When I knew it was so bad was when I had to leave school cause my father couldn’t pay 100,000 to complete my school fees, not that he didn’t have the money but if he paid, other important things would suffer, he needed it for the maintenance of the house and I had to understand. My mum’s school was sustaining us but it wasn’t doing as well because there wasn’t any money to advertise and get more buses and attract more parents.

My daddy promised I’d go back to school, and I believed him, cause I believe in my dad, he had never let me down and I had to be understanding and I believe in God,he sees what is happening and he will answer my cries and prayers.

I entered public transport for the first time when I was 19, I would not be staying in my 75,000 naira hostel anymore….i was scared…most of my life id been shielded, I didn’t know how to act, I wasn’t street smart and you could probably tell by looking at me..the first day I entered a bus a girl way younger than me,who lived on my estate held my hand….and showed me the ropes…it was horrible!!!

Its been 11 years since my dad lost his job, 7 years things till got real bad…2 years after I started entering public transport…I am 22 now and I am happy we all went through those harrowing times because we came out stronger, wiser, with a stronger belief in God and his ability to change a person’s situation in a blink of an eye, God doesn’t work on your time, its been 11years, me and my brothers said we were going to sing Daft Punks “one more time” when there was a financial breakthrough!!!
And oh boy we are singing now….God has been wonderful….even though things are a whole lot better now, i have learnt to be a lot wiser with my money, I am less dependent, who would have ever thought that id be happy at the fact that I don’t have to wait for anybody to drive me around, I can do things myself…I call myself pako ajebutter, lol…..i am no longer the terrified girl who dreaded the outside world, who had long been in her cocoon…..
I can handle what life throws at me, cause ive been through a lot and I know with God, things will get better. I don’t spend foolishly anymore..lol..i am not a cheapskate oh..but I will not buy something that looks horrid for 7500, never again..thou shalt not be a mugu again!!!! I don’t believe just cause I have money I must spend spend spend…..i now deliberate on whether I really need it or whether it is worth the price, I am not out to impress anybody anymore…I am thankful for what I went through cause I believe it made me stronger.

I would like to introduce a new blogger,shes a friend and an ex classmate...oh yeah and i pretty fine writerpls check out her blog and give her the whole blogville welcome.... JOURNAL OF LIL WOMAN